Mixed messages from those who are meant to help

[Lottieblue]

I’m really struggling here.

I still, even after all this time, all the records I‘ve kept, ask myself – is it abuse or is it me? I wake in the night and ask myself, how am I going to get through this?

Sometimes I just need to thrash it through. I need to talk about what goes on. I suppose what I’m after is for my messed up thoughts to be untangled so that I can see, one way or another, where the problem actually lies and if I can make things better.

Before lockdown, I went in to my local WA. They are doing nothing face-to-face now, don’t know if it’s the same everywhere. I asked if they were able to recommend a therapist, to try and help me get my head round stuff. They told me not to bother with a therapist, just to use them.

I have emailed Samaritans in the past. They told me I should get help from Women’s Aid etc. Last night (middle of the night when I woke) I did online Chat with my local women’s aid group. They told me they weren’t there for talking, just for helping women leave.

I don’t know where to get help. Sometimes I feel so desperate I don’t see any way out and just don’t want to carry on.

[Anonymous]

Hi Lottieblue, I found through my experience with my abuser, that it has been more the talking to someone that I needed. Mentally I knew what I had to do etc, but just the talking is what I needed towards the end. It really helped just to speak about the abuse. I have found this forum helpful and during the lockdown I found myself having online chats with people at victim support at 2am, because I just needed to speak to someone.

Have you considered counselling? I am in the process of receiving counselling through my employer, so didn’t need to speak to my GP, but I know even now I have to keep talking and working on myself because the damage these perpetrators cause is real and even the toughest of us still need some help. Sending hugs xx

[coffeelover]

My partner blames me for everything. If I try and talk to him about something that I feel isn’t right or something he’s done it’s always my fault or in my head. You end up thinking that it is you but the rational part of me knows it isn’t.

I need to get out but like you I don’t know who to talk to. I want legal advice first, we’re not married but joinly own a property then I think I’m going to get counselling once I’m alone. These are my grand plans that I’ve been thinking about for 2+ years. I always hope things will get better but they never do for long, it’s all lip service.

Have you got a trusted friend? I have lost all mine because of this relationship, I wish I hadn’t.

You will get through this, it’ll just take time.

[Lottieblue]

Thank you both for your sympathetic replies. You seem to know where I am coming from.

I do have one trusted friend and she is great. She is watching me struggle and trying to help me and tell me that I will survive when I get out and I can do it, but ultimately she has enough s**t of her own to deal with and I wouldn’t call her in the night saying the silence is too loud and my head is exploding and I just don’t know any of the answers.

I know. I know that the way I’m living isn’t right and that the constant walking on eggshells is just going to destroy me in the end. The constant criticism. But it is all so subtle that even others in the room probably wouldn’t notice. It is very much the pattern that defines this. It has been going on for decades. And I feel so small and so worthless because of it and I want me back.

But while I stay because I haven’t got my ducks in a row and am not ready to leave, the chip chipping carries on and I become less and less… everything. And I become so uncertain. Is it me? Could I be better?

My big problem is that, apart from a small interlude of running my own business, I haven’t worked since our first child arrived. The youngest has just left school. That’s a long time. So I have been homemaker all that time but so, so much more. I have done everything. He thinks he played a part in bringing the children up but he did nothing. It’s always all been about him. And it still is. He wants me to go on being his domestic slave and I’ve had a gutful but it would seem that I haven’t earned enough points or respect or whatever I should have done, to say ok now it needs to stop being about you because he’s the one who runs the businesses and needs the support and needs someone to look after him because he works so hard and I, after all have nothing else to do.

So, I say to myself, get something else to do. Easier said than done, partly because I have been out of the market for such a long time and also because jobs right now…
and then I say so, either I consult him on this or I just go ahead and do it. If I go ahead and do it without consulting him does that not make me as bad as him? Should couples not consult one another on that sort of thing? And if I do consult him he will crumple me up like a piece of waste paper and toss me aside. What sort of job do I plan do get? Why? But there are no jobs anyway. And he wouldn’t say this but it would be so obvious. Who would give me a job? And why do I want a job when I should be looking after him, who works so hard and deserves some support.

And then I say to myself is he right? Should I be allowed to be selfish about this? I don’t deserve any respect anyway, how could I? I am a nothing.

And round and round I go.

And I don’t have the language to put my case to him and he doesn’t do discussions anyway. He leaves the room. Makes it clear that he’s not impressed and woe betide me if I even contemplate going there again as it has been made clear to me what he thinks.

It feels like noodles. Or spaghetti. All tangled up in a pile. I need to be able to think straight and be absolutely clear. I need to pull each noodle out and lay them side by side.

I really have had enough.

[1hotcoffee1]

@Lottieblue i have read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. It may help untaggle some of the thoughts you are having.

[Lottieblue]

Yes, I have read it several times, and while I’m reading it I go “yes! Yes! Yes!” And there is one particular scenario that is SO our family it’s extraordinary.
But the minute I put it down it’s gone. I don’t really know how to ingrain it into me. I can’t quote from it. I can’t say to him “I’ve read this book and it says…” (oh dear, can you imagine?!!!) so how do I make it into something concrete, something that has an impact for me and for my way forwards?

He is Demand Man first and foremost, followed closely by Mr Right. There are elements of other types in there too.

And yes, I come away from each session with the book saying it’s clear cut, he is an abuser. In fact he’s lots of abusers. But where does it get me. Because he’s just going to cut me down again.

[Sleepy]

Could you try the text messaging service? They are there to listen from what I gather. https://www.giveusashout.org/

Or try writing it all down If you can then its not Going through your head every time.
Talking in counselling is helping me a lot.

Wish I had a bit more time to help. Thinking of you and hope you get help somehow.

[coffeelover]

Oh Lottie he sounds so controlling.
I wrote a big list earlier and I do find that helps.
I’m glad you have a friend to talk to, could you go and stay with her? Just to have a break, make out to him you’re supporting her?

[Camel]

Hi Lottieblue

The thing that comes across so strongly from your posts is that you still look to him for his agreement and seal of approval. But you must know by now that you will never get it, even if it was in everyone’s best interests. I know it’s easy for me to say, having escaped, happily self-sufficient and speaking to you from the other side of this huge fence. But if you want to do something outside of the home, do it. OK, so traditional jobs are thin on the ground right now, but there are other opportunities. Charities are struggling to keep afloat, for example. If working isn’t primarily about earning then you’re perfectly placed to offer your time for free.

He will have hammered it into you over the years, but know that it’s all lies! You do not need his permission to do anything. Neither do you need to ‘discuss’ it. This isn’t the 1850s. Wives are no longer the property of husbands.

I do get what you mean about the spaghetti. Try pulling gently on a single strand and ignore the rest. I suppose it comes down to whether you feel brave enough. I hope you do. x

[Lottieblue]

Thanks Camel. I had actually written quite a long reply to coffeelover, saying that I had read her own thread and how good your reply was. But I didn’t submit. Hopeless.
I am interested that you say there would be no need for someone to discuss their plans with their partner – would you not expect, in a normal loving relationship, for both parties to do this?

You are right though, I know. I seek his approval. Why? It’s back to that old thing, I think, of wanting him to know what he’s doing.

I’m c**p. I know. Hopeless. It’s in my hands but I’m frozen to the spot.

[iliketea]

Hi, going to jump in with some practical things on jobs for women who have been out of the workforce for a long time. You have skills, more than you know, you have organisational skills par excellance!! Put that in modern speak – Project Management. So thats number 1. Then there are a lot of practical skills. Cleaning, cooking….can any of those be twisted around to be something else when you add it to the project management? That could bring in money. Set up a cleaning company, have employees. Or cook for local people, deliver to their home, a homecooking to your door service…just thinking out loud. Its just a way of rethinking, reframing.

There are also jobs in schools for women who have had children, matrons, housekeepers…they’re usually live in, they usually pay well, and holidays too. And then there are PA jobs working for people who work from home, self employed etc – going to be a lot more of those around now too…. A lot of this work is virtual too, do it from the comfort of your own home…There are carers jobs. There are lots of project management type jobs for councils. Going to pm you. xx

[Camel]

Hi Lottieblue

I’m so sorry you feel so helpless. I hope I don’t make you feel worse. I know I can come across as very direct but honestly, it’s never my intention to make anyone feel bullied.

You ask a reasonable question.
‘I am interested that you say there would be no need for someone to discuss their plans with their partner – would you not expect, in a normal loving relationship, for both parties to do this?’

Yes, of course, some kind of discussion would be expected in a relationship.

Can I ask you to consider these points though?

1 What do you mean when you say ‘discuss’?
Do your discussions sound like this?
You: hey, I’ve got an interview at x! Him: Great, when is it? Maybe I could drop you off.
Or,
You: I’m thinking of applying for a job at x Him: Bad idea. You’re barely coping with your duties at home.

Or something along these lines…

A discussion isn’t asking for permission. Neither is it having to justify your wants and needs.

2 ‘Normal loving relationship’
If you had a normal loving relationship you wouldn’t be tying yourself in knots. A normal loving partner would already know that you needed and wanted to work. Because they’d be interested in you. They’d be telling you about job adverts they’d seen. They’d be building up your confidence, helping you with your CV.

[Camel]

Oh! And I forgot to ask, can you remember when your partner brought anything to you to discuss? And listened to your answer, took note of your opinion?

[Camel]

I just read your original post again. I feel I’ve got sidetracked talking about jobs. Getting work isn’t part of ‘getting your ducks in a row.’ No one would reasonably expect you to climb this particular mountain as part of an exit plan.

It’s mostly worrying me that you have already contacted the Samaritans and end your post by saying you don’t want to carry on. I am so so sorry that I missed this! I do pray that you would make a phone call to the Samaritans if you felt desperate again. They are there to talk for as long as you need and won’t fob you off.

From what I understand it’s not been easy to get one to one counselling, even before Covid. So it’s probably sensible to take whatever is available right now. Some years ago, dealing with bereavement, not sure if I was depressed or just sad, I signed up to my local authority online counselling. It started with the questionnaire designed to see if you had suicidal thoughts. I didn’t, so was directed to some online sessions. If I had registered as needing urgent help I would have been bumped up the list.

I don’t know what there is in your area but can you have a look? Your GP will have information. And, being frank, you should make an appointment and tell them how you feel. Be open and honest and I’m sure the help you need will be found.

Please, would you start somewhere? x

[Eggshells]

Hi Lottieblue, Don’t underestimate yourself. When you have responded to others on this forum, your posts are wonderfully empathetic, comforting and helpful. You have so much to offer the world outside your bubble.

Getting a job would be wonderful. It would give you the opportunity to get away from the false identity that your OH is pressing upon you and for you to see just how many skills you do have.

Counselling can be really helpful. Provision is very sporadic and depends very much on where you live. Please ask your GP as your first port of call. Perhaps try WA again and explain that you’ve been told different things but that you really need help urgently. There are also charities that offer counselling but again, this can vary from area to area. A google search might help.

You could also try private counsellors. Sessions usually cost around £45 each but not sure how viable this is if you are relying in his income.

In the middle of the night, try the Samaritans and the forum. I’ve noticed that a lot of us don’t sleep or are on a different time zone. If just one of us is awake, that can be all you need to help you through. Two of the ladies on here kept me from tipping over the edge one night. They kept me chatting until I was able to get hold of my son.

From some of your comments in this thread, I can hear how much you have been put down over the years. I don’t know you of course but from what I’ve seen of your posts on the forum, I see a capable, strong, kind and beautiful woman whose confidence is under siege from an abusive partner. You don’t deserve to be treated like that! xx

[Camel]

Well said, Eggshells x

[Soulsearcher18]

Hi Lottieblue,
A few things I completely relate to in your post, that are similar to how I felt before leaving. The feeling of not being worth it- feeling worthless. Not wanting to go on. It being like noodles.

If I could give any piece of advice, if I knew then what I know now-I would say, please visit your GP without delay. Write down your experiences of how you feel if you can’t speAk them (just make sure he doesn’t see it). I am sure if your friend is trusted and able to, she may accompany you to see GP but if not, you can do it. I think that possibly you don’t realise how low you actually are right now, you’ve been dealing with this for so long. It becomes your normal.

Reading the info does help but when you are in it, there is only so much you will be able to process. You will not be able to see things clearly until you get out.

I know I shouldn’t tell you what to do but it’s so hard when I can relate to what you say. I would suggest your GP as first port of call. I would book in regularly to see them if you can- ideally with the same go and one that you like.

I would then contact your local DA support service again to access more info and your options about getting out. I take it your local service will do that for you? They usually do an assessment to assess your risk and will discuss option from there. I don’t know how things are working at the moment with covid and increase in demand. I would guess that priority will be on women who want to plan to get out. Prior to lockdown some areas would have been offering things like the freedom programme in weekly groups and this may have helped you get support to learn and prepare but they stoped with covid. In my area it was telephone only but I think they are starting to move towards face to face contact now. I

If you really need someone to talk to out of hours, The Samaritans has been recommended by other survivors on forum, you could also contact out of hours gp service for support.

Take care

Soulsearcher18

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Lottieblue

I am so sorry to hear what a horrible time you are having in your life right now with this man.

Please keep talking on here and everywhere you can while you work through your thoughts and decisions to head for a much better life.

What he thinks is not relevant to what you actually deserve. Its in his interests to keep you feeling you don’t deserve better. You won’t be the first or last woman here to be told they wouldn’t find anyone better! 😆. Or that you aren’t good enough and dont deserve a better.life than what he subjects you to.

What you think of yourself, and what he thinks are two very different and unrelated things.

What helped me was to know that whatever anyone does, they don’t deserve abuse, no matter who they are, and that I realised I wouldn’t do what he is.

I bet you wouldnt either.

The only thoughts that matter to you are your own, thinking about what you need to be happy. You already know how unhappy he’s making you, and he feeds your bad thoughts, thats very toxic for you.

Anyway, I just wanted to see you some good thoughts for you today, just for you, and for you to know that noone deserves this treatment, and his thoughts, because of his abusive treatment of you, are not your friend. He’s not your friend, not someone you can trust with your heart and mind.

Trust the women here, and keep reaching out.

I am at a loss as to why a support service would tell you they are not there to discuss your feelings, when processing this is necessary for your sanity and decision-making. Do you have a gp you feel comfortable to confide in? They may be a great source of help and keep on touch with you.

I hope that you are feeling more positive about what you can do to change your life, you can, ypu just need to believe this could really happen.

Sending you hugs and strength today, and every day.

Warmest wishes

TS

[Catjam]

Hi Lottieblue,
I am in the same position and mine has been decades too. Its hard because i think we need validation. We need to hear that we aren’t crazy or making it up but mostly I think we want to hear it from them. I want my husband to admit what he has been doing all these years and try to change. I so want him out of my life but i also want things to be how they were when times were good. He could make me laugh like no one else. He was my first love and probably my last.
I mourn what has gone.
Its small steps to gaining strength. Trust me I know how hard it is. But we need to do even 1 small thing that is just for us. Not for them or anyone else. Take that step and enjoy it then move onto the next.
I find i want to constantly analyse every conversation we had but that isnt healthy and that is part of the crazy making.
Stay strong and keep reaching out to us. I find just writing it down on here sometimes helps. It slips down the forum but I know its out there. My version of events.
Take care xx

[Daisy Fairydust]

Hi @lottieblue
I’m so sorry to hear that you feel lost and unsupported. Talking does help, do you have a friend you can confide in? I’ve found one that has been brilliant, other so not so much. I’ve only recently reached out for help and have come so far in terms of what I’ve been able to achieve.
Victim Support have been great, I have an allocated worker who messages me regularly and isn’t phased by my essay sized emails.
Have you had any support from Women’s rights? I’ve found them particularly helpful too.
You are not alone as both Twisted Sister and Catjam have said.
It is a really confusing situation we are all in but to feel that you have no support from the agencies must leave you feeling a bit rubbish.
I spoke to my GP, they did offer counselling but they felt is was a little generic and wondered if Women’s Aid had something more specific. I eventually told my employer recently and they have suggested I speak to HR as they may be able to signpost me to counselling. I’m still a bit of walls up at the moment and am just taking each week as it comes in terms of what I’m doing to break free, at the moment it still feels impossible and like a life time away.
This whole pandemic has magnified everything we are going through and then some with our abusers, please keep talking on here.
I’m a big advocate for self care too, it doesn’t have to be huge, it could even just be listening to your favourite song, have a cuppa or if you can five minutes alone in the bath, just something you can do that gives you a moment to breathe.
Please Take care
(name removed by Moderator)

[Lottieblue]

Thank you all so much for your kindness. It means so much, and to have so much understanding.
The solicitor I have consulted, who is a DA specialist, has recommended a counsellor, so I think I’ll give her a go. I really don’t want to eat too much into the money I’ve tucked away though…

Thank you, my friends… 😌

[PaleBlueStar]

@lottieblue I just wanted to say I relate to what you are saying. On the job front can you volunteer as that often leads to a job?

[Lottieblue]

Hello Everyone,
I thought I’d give you a little update on my original message. I spoke again (only the second time) to a solicitor and she said she felt I could really benefit from some counselling. I think it’s a real advantage having a solicitor who is experienced in DA – this one was recommended by my local WA – as she understands my state of mind without me having to explain.
She then recommended a counsellor (psychologist) with whom she has worked on a book, and who is frequently called to be an expert witness in abuse cases.
I spoke to her today, on the phone (and she is happy to proceed with phone sessions) and she was fantastic. I am really looking forward to her helping me to be strong and to overcome the “freeze” in “fight, flight or freeze”.

I feel like I have an ally.
X

[Watersprite]

Wow – we can all relate to where you are at. No one but you can know what to do or when. I always wanted someone to tell me what to do. The thing in the end for me was the risk and my kids . BUT perhaps one of the key things is to believe in your own version of the narrative not his. They take over your head – We hear YOUR voice LB. Little Women “write your own story.” It could end up being … what you want it to be!

[Camel]

Hi Lottieblue

It’s truly heartwarming to hear you sounding so positive x

[Author]

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