Mother- Blackmail?

[Serenity]

I posted this week how my eldest has made a decision to drop out of his A’ level course and do an apprenticeship.

The reasons for this are varied, and a bit complex.

But the fact is, my mother ( who I often cite as being emotionally abusive at times) has taken it upon herself to say that he doesn’t have a choice- he needs to do it and that, if he drops his A levels, he will be removed from her will.

Is that normal grandmotherly behaviour?!!

I told her, he doesn’t need to be on anyone’s will.

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Serenity,

Using that old chestnut called ‘money’ as a weapon – doesn’t get much more obvious and shallow in the scheme of life than that.

[White Rose]

Your mum sounds like my ex “do it my way of there will be consequences”! Who cares?
Your son is making a choice – his choice not his grandma’s. It may not be what everyone had “hoped” he’d do but apprenticeships are a great way of learning and seen very positively and if I was there I’d give your mum a piece of my mind.
I expect this is all a bit (understatement!!) stressful for you so please look aftr yourself.
Keep an eye open on private messages later – not got time now but will send one to you later
X*x

[Ayanna]

She probably wants his best and tries to threaten him so that he does what is best.
A-levels are great and he has the opportunity to do them. He should go ahead.
On the other hand do teenagers have lots of ups and downs even in smooth family situations.
The good thing about England is, that he can do the A-levels anytime later in his life too, should he regret his decision one day.
For this reason it is never too late and all doors are still open.
I doubt that she would really remove him from her will.

[Bubblegum]

My Ex mother in Law once said to me if her grandsons continue to miss behave she would cut them out if her will .Id understand if my boys had done something really bad but they were just being normal silly young boys messing about .

[Serenity]

Ayanna,

This is only in keeping with dozens of other times, when she doesn’t have her way about something or something isn’t as she hoped, she does tend to resort to threats.

Once, I had (removed by moderator) I did. The deadline was that night. She knew. She phoned up screaming that no one was helping her (removed by moderator). It wasn’t urgent. It’s like she chooses times I am under pressure to home in. I am perfectly capable of dealing with my son myself. I don’t need dictating to. And she puts my parenting techniques down in the process.

Even if she has concerns for my son’s future, it’s very upsetting putting up with threats intermittently. What happened to warm and open discussion?

She used to tell my son he was ‘small fry’ and make fun of him at times, though she could see him bristling. She used to ‘jokingly’ tell everyone they he was the ‘black sheep’ even though – like Bubbles says- he hadn’t even done anything that bad.

All I wanted was for her to treat my kids equally. She’s always made my eldest scapegoat and my youngest golden child. It’s glaringly obvious, and I don’t feel that’s helped my eldest’s self-esteem either.

It’s like he’s been her project- to fill her life. Bossing him, teasing him. No let up. She would engulf him. If it was unfolding kindness, fine: but it was engulfing control and even humiliation.

I think my eldest reminds my mum of my dad in a way- quiet, will of his own. My parents divorced. It’s like she was trying to control my son like she couldn’t control my dad.

My mum weirdly said once ( she was a bit tipsy) that my son was like her ‘replacement husband.’ How unhealthy.

What with my ex always cruel to him too, it was too much.

I wouldn’t be surprised if my son is rebelling against all this control.

I’ve explained to him how he can go back and do exams at any time. Even evening class, if he ever chose.

[Ayanna]

Oh Serenity, your mother is a devil!
She reminds me of my grandmother. She was like that.

[SunshineRainflower]

It sounds like abusive and controlling behaviour. Absolutely nothing wrong with apprenticeships, in fact as someone who went down the purely academic route and ended up with loads of certificates and unemployed, I’d say they are preferable these days as they lead to work and careers rather than mounting education debt and frustration.

However, that’s besides the point. It should be your son’s decision what he does with his life as it is his life to live, and he will end up being terribly troubled later in life if he is forced and coerced into doing things he feels deeply unhappy about. It sounds like your mother is issuing a deeply unpleasant but ptobably empty threat, but I guess it’s always possible she’ll cut him out of the will depending on what kind of a person she is. In the end if it was me and I had a child I’d want them to be happy and follow their dreams and would feel terribly violated and helpless if I let my parents threaten them into changing their paths, it is all just very abusive and unloving. I’m sorry to hear you are going through it. How does your son feel about it all?

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

Hi Serenity,
I have read most messages and your post obviously.

First of all may I try to reassure you that your son, being young, needs support in his decisions, and I am sure you will have had many helpful and respectful discussions with him about his A Levels. I do not doubt one moment that despite being the main carer (a very good one) you have all the skills needed to encourage your children in finding their path in life. That role can be draining at times but I trust you to know what to do.
Second, whatever he chooses to do, it will be fine. I think you know that too. Your son only needs to know he is not judged, belittled, arbitrarily diminished. He needs to know he is supported, even if the situation changes with new decisions, changing his mind or not, trying and applying for various training schemes, several times if need be. Part of growing up is discovering yourself and knowing no one will mock you if you choose things that don’t work out. It’s the same for us as adults!
Third, despite the damage done by your mum, try to see her own suffering, past and present, and go beyond, stay tuned to her as a daughter, don’t dwell on what she said, flippantly or not. Sometimes parents can say nasty things because they try to “control” things the only way they know how to. Forgive her. Relationships are not plain sailing. You know your are your children’s mother, so brush away the agro and focus on what you and your children need to do. You have enough problems generated by the other “beast at war”.
Tackle what matters with faith, don’t analyse too much what your mum said. In fact ignore it completely. Tell your son to do the same if he heard about the will, and joke about it. Brush it aside.
With my parents, there are many things I could reproach them, but ultimately i see them as human beings who I know were severely abused, traumatized in fact. You mention your mum being abused…none of that ever goes away, it emerges back at times from our subconscious. Your mum probably wants the best for you all but can’t find the right words to say it, so the situation triggers a reaction. We ALL are capable of saying hurtful things.
Ignore. Don’t dwell, and keep most of the situation guarded to the people involved ie your son and you. Your son will probably be thankful to you to keep his problem as least triangulated as possible. Keep it simple and clear cut to both of you, involve others only when needed.

I hope I am saying the right things, they come from my heart. I know how hard it is for you. You know I am here if you need me, PM me when needed.

I have not been on this site for a while so forgive me for not reading posts.

[anna]

Hi Serenity,
How hurtful and abusive to both you and your son. It sounds like your mum wants your son to do A levels and is being controlling.
As all the other posters said its totally up to your son what he chooses to do with his life.
It sounds like you are doing a great job as a mum and giving your son appropriate guidance.

Maybe to suggest to him not to discuss big life choices with his gran. That takes him out of the ‘firing line’ of her advice/control! If he knows he can come to you he will soon realise its more hassle than its worth chatting to gran! She then has a chance to moderate her behaviour or lose out hearing lots of interesting chats with your son. This is not being mean but helping your son to care for his own emotional boundaries and gently letting gran know she does not have the influence to bully. much better than arguing as they never change their behaviour and often telling them a boundary no matter how gently or kindly said makes the abuse worse. As they see it as you trying to control them.
As your son is (detail removed by Moderator) he probably will start getting a bigger sphere of influence anyway with new friendships and what have you, so the natural course of things will mean he sees less of her anyway. ( parties and girls are far more intersting at that age than visiting relatives ) so it will to an extent sort itsself out. And i doubt very much he is even in the will as parents usually leave money to their children first and if they do leave something for grandchildren its a token amount of money or piece of jewllery that sort of thing. Meanwhile take a deep breath and know we all understand and know what you are going through my own mum told me she was cutting me and my sibling out of her will and when I said people will think you dont like us she said I dont like you!!! Now what can you say to that!!!!

[Author]

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