Moving forward

[Notjustme]

Hello again,
I just need to share my way of moving forward…

Now, don’t get me wrong, I struggle with the aftermath of long term abuse almost every day. I have nightmares that I’m still trapped. I imagine that he’s following me. I see him in different people I pass on the street. Sometimes I feel like I’m battling more with my own imagination than what is real. Sometimes I feel that my monster created a monster. I am still waiting for counselling.

I have spent years trying to get “me” back. Trying to remember who I was before I was almost driven insane. Then it dawned on me, all of a sudden, as if a lightening bolt from nowhere that I will never be that person again. At first this thought was overwhelming. Then I realised that it’s okay not to be the person I was before.

I am not the same person and that’s not just okay but actually reassuring. I am still “me” but a better version of the former me. Yes, partly that’s because I’m a few years older, but I’m also wiser too. Nowadays, I love a bit differently. I no longer wear rose tinted spectacles. I am able to say no and really mean it and walk away without guilt. I know what I want and more importantly what I really don’t want.

I am more alert to the warning signs of abuse. I pick up when there’s something not quite right about a person. I know how to protect myself from negativity by walking away at just the right moment. I know that I don’t need to save people and that sometimes it’s okay to put myself first. When I smile it’s because I mean it. I’m not pretending any more. This is “me” now. I don’t want to be the person I was before.

I think it’s the same for all of us here. Trying to remember who we were before we were broken when maybe we need to focus on who we are now, on who we are now capable of becoming. Look forwards and only look back to see how far we’ve come. It’s not easy but I’m trying so hard to do this every single day.

[White Rose]

Really good points!
Its easy to become a permanent victim and put ourselves at risk of exploitation. We’re all incredibly able women with a huge range of skills and abities, some of which may be more developed than they used to be as a result of the journey we’ve been on.
I often say I’m me again. I am, but the me that I am is better, more able, stronger, tougher and much much wiser than the me I was then. I quite like the new me and am looking forward to seeing how she grows from now on!

[iwillbeok]

Hi,

Both your posts are so spot on! I was very young when I met my husband and can’t really remember who ‘me’ was. But I do know that I am now more ‘me’ than I’ve ever been before! I have my down moments/days but on average I am so much happier than I have been for decades! I am proud of how far I have come.

Iwillbeok x

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