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Argh… had written a huge post and it got refreshed and lost it somehow 🙁
(timeframe removed by Moderator) years divorced after a very long emotionally abusive marriage, long story short had bought him out and hoped to stay in fam home with kids, but with higher cost of living decided I had to downsize to free up some money to support kids through university in the next few years…
I know its the right and safest decision financially but it’s so hard to leave a place with so many memories if the good times..
I’ve moved a lot but always with him, who was my best friend, to share the fun and the anxiety, and now doing it all alone, worrying if it’ll be the right thing for kids, is so hard…
He doesn’t speak to me anymore, safe to complain about money or blame me for something around kids, but I still miss the good him… even if I’m in a new relationship.
Its sad to have to leave a home we love, because of my decision to divorce…. and bring even more disruption to the kids…
Even if he’s still toxic for the 50% of time he has kids, I still kind of hope he will be his good self again… he’s still so bitter blamimg me for all that’s wrong in his life, saying he wishes he never met me, even if we have the most incredible kids and we had happy times together. It hurt to hear he wants to dismiss any good and choose to hate me, when I can’t do the same.
I get overwhelmed by the nostalgia and this move will be an even more decisive cut in my story, starting on my own with this new big move.
I know it can be exciting but I still feel loss and fear. Kids deserve so much, they are in amazing and it’s horrible not being able to.protect or defend them when he goes crazy on them to feed his n**********c needs…
I guess just wanted to hear from anyone who maybe had to downsize after initially hoping would be able to keep fam home.. or anyone really to help me see I’m in the right track! It’s difficult as obviously I wouldn’t have to move if hadn’t divorced, so there is guilt, but I know we are so much happier for the 50% of time we are just us 3…
Hate the trauma bond! Wish I could just unplug from him, but still always worry about him, despite him getting physically abusive during separation, and making me so afraid…
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i hope its ok to respond even though i was able to remain in the property shared for decades but want you to know that i do believe you are heading in the right direction. i feel differently to you as there is nothing but but triggers within these walls – dont get me wrong like all abusive relationships there were ‘good’ times (i also felt like this person was my best friend). but after learning all i have i no longer see them as good times as they were the reason i ended up so deeply trauma bonded to a toxic individual – they were actually part of the abuse. so ‘it wasnt a good person with some bad behaviour but a bad person with some good behaviour’
with you feeling the way you do this move could actually help you by removing all those ‘good’ memories that surround you because it could be these that are keeping you a bit ‘stuck’ – any trauma bond could still exist just by you recalling these good times. and one of the biggest reasons we can have difficulty ‘forgetting’ our ex partners is only because of how strongly we believed we felt for them & how we thought they were our soulmates – it may have felt like we would never experience such an amazing relationship ever again. but this was only because of the abuse involved causing such incredible highs & devastating lows making our emotions seem so much more powerful thats all
moving on this way is naturally going to cause anxiety because it will all be new & unfamiliar – but exciting too. and there will be grief as well because you will be leaving behind the place you called ‘home’ – you will be mourning the life there that you had wanted with a person you thought you knew. but if you & your children are happier now that is the most important thing so it really wont matter where you end up living – and you can slowly start making new memories in your new home where you are all free to be your true selves
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I have been in my new house for (number removed by Moderator) months now and I absolutely love it!! Doing loads of work to make it mine, it’s amazing to make all decisions and finally have a home that feels like me. I don’t miss old house a tiny bit, love the new neighbours… It was 100% the right decision 🥰
If anyone is going through the same, go for it, starting again in a place without the bad memories and that you can make your own is amazing… no matter if it’s a lot smaller and in a less nice area, it’s perfect for me…
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