Must look forward

[anotherlife]

It’s awful how many of us are going through such hard times and wanting to get out. I’m calmer for a few days asy husband is working away but ina few days, I’ll be anxious again and checking every time I hear a car as I dread seeing him each night. Jekyll and Hyde, hot and cold, etc.
Today I’ve been trying to fix something at home and managed but it reminds me how few practical things I can do, as this is one of the ways he controls and I hadn’t really realised – leaving me feeling useless. But I fix or do something well that he’d normally do, he still finds a reason to have a go or a moan so we’ll see what he says this time.
Anyway… I was wandering in a big shop, just to get a little part for my fix. I was looking around, just trying to relax and be calm, seeing so many lovely things for a house at a lot less money than in many shops. I love charity shops too. It just lead me to think, and hope, that one day of I can get out of here, I will no doubt struggle a lot but I’ll be able to have a pretty coloured bath mat, a duvet cover of my choice, an ornament of my choice. Even if it’s second hand, it’ll be my choice.
I walked my daughter to school this morning and realised on the way home, that I walk along looking down at the pavement. I rarely look up and I miss the nature and colour of the sky. So many ways that he has worn me down.
He’s not spoken for days and went on a work trip and is now messaging me being nice and asking how I am!!!! He’s like a yo-yo! I can’t stand it.
I started this post to say that we all have to
look forward, keep looking forward in the hope that we will be ok. And I want to believe
But he’s already turned it around with a fewessages.
Deep breaths, make plans, look forward, get advice, stay one step ahead of at all possible.

[anotherlife]

Wouldn’t talk to me for days – as he got in a strop when I didn’t want sex late one night (Detail removed by Moderator), went off at me about loads of things, went and slept on the sofa, not talked properly since. Just sent me a message saying he loves me! I don’t swear but he makes me want to say the f word!!! What does he actually think love is?
I’m sorry to be ranting, he’s just doing my head in.

[fizzylem]

Sorry to read of your stress and angst Anotherlife. Are you tying to get an exit plan together? Sounds like you know this relationship is toxic. FL. x

[anotherlife]

Hi fizzylem, thank you. Yes, I know and I intend to get out one day. I am waiting for a call from a WA advisor this week who said she would be able to talk to me weekly I think and give me lots of info. The thought of it gives me a sense of hope but I’m not sure how I’ll get through the calls without crying. But that’s ok. I’d really leave if it wasn’t for the kids, I always thought people were stupid saying that, but I get it now. But I will get out, I just need to know everything I can. He works away a lot so I don’t intend to move out, he’s ruined my life so he’s not kicking us out & he wouldn’t do that it people would see what he’s like & he wouldn’t want that!
Thanks again & I hope you are doing ok x

[Poets corner]

Thanks for your lovely post another life – I messaged you in another post but wanted to add that I like to think of it like a rock climb (Detail removed by Moderator).
Working my way to the top, one small move at a time – trying not to look down, hanging on by my fingertips and always protecting myself by having more than one point of contact with the ground, in case I fall.

[anotherlife]

Hi Poets Corner. That’s a good day of thinking about it. I feel like I can sometimes get him out of my head a little when he’s away but I’m already feeling anxious that he’s coming home in a few days. I think I just need to tell myself all the time that I’m looking forward, any bit of planning is good. I know it’ll be hell when it happens. He’s made angry threats before to go / get a solicitor (he earns all the cash, he’ll be just gone after if it ever happens!) but last time when I couldn’t take any more, i told him to go ahead so of course he panicked and backtracked and smoothed it over.
I’m watching my kids and making sure they’re ok, my youngest doesn’t notice too much but I think neither miss him at all when he goes away now.
What surprises me is that my family (mum & sistets) knew about the awful time I had in (Detail removed by Moderator) from him, when I was physically vulnerable after an operation and now think I’m making too much fuss and need to make more effort with him as he works so hard! I just don’t understand. So I must take support from a few friends and from all the lovely ladies on here. So much support and help x

[Author]

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