Mutual friends wedding

[Escapedbuthaunted]

Hi
mutual friends are getting married this year, I’ve not seen my abusive x for over a year I know he will have been invited
No one in our friendship circle are aware of the real reasons why we split he told them I left him all I ever said was we no longer got on and wasn’t happy
I want to go but am afraid of having to spend time where I will be in same room as him and don’t want to upset my friends by not going
Am really in a quandary wanting to look after myself but angry that every time I think about going and having to come into contact with him I’m going to be scared and not enjoy myself
Not sure what to do

[Iwantmeback]

Hi, I’m not sure how I’d deal with this either tbh. I suppose it all boils down to how strong you’re feeling now. we can’t say how we’ll react to something if, we’ve never been in that situation before. If it’s making you too anxious don’t go, if the closer the date gets, you feel more so,dont go. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone as to why you’re not going. BUT, if you feel so strong and aren’t going to let him win, go. Let him see he means nothing to you. You’ll know, you will.💜 Either way it’s your call, you’re in charge of your life now, he’s not and neither is anyone else. Best wishes
IWMB 💕💕

[maddog]

I hate going to weddings. I have gone as an accessory or to fill the numbers. I don’t like it. I imagine from whst you write that these are not close friends. You do not have to go and there will be other parties with people you really want to be with.

If you are able to make a quick getaway and make a contingency plan so you feel safe then go and enjoy yourself.

You have no duty to go however it might feel at the moment. Your safety must come first. I really hope I don’t sound like I’m coming down on you like a ton of bricks.

If the nuptial couple are real friends you will see them anyway and maybe one day you might tell them. Or not. They may not be that kind of friend.

You will not be letting them down by declining an invitation. I wish I had understood this sooner!

[Escapedbuthaunted]

Tbh I was quite close to one when we lived in same city and text lots but when we moved away we got cut off more in part to do with x .
I saw them at Xmas first time properly since I escaped and it was like that time hadn’t passed which is why I feel so torn now .
I know I don’t have to go but I’d like to go if my x wasn’t gonna be there I would definitely go.
One of my fears tho is the drinking involved ina wedding, he is an alcoholic and I avoid being around drunk people in general esp males for obvious reasons. it’s a trigger for my flashbacks. I managed to go to works fo this Xmas past but one of colleagues got v drunk he grab me when wasn’t aware I totally freaked and that was it for me, had been doing quite well til then, friend who knows a lot but not all came to my rescue. I don’t know I can face that sort of thing atm or on own as no one there will be aware of what’s happened. No one in my family knows either they just got told we grew apart and that I didn’t want to carry on as was unhappy. His mum knew about his drinking and knows that was a factor but nothing else.
Sorry rambling, guess I’ll wait til closer to time see how strong am feeling

[maddog]

I don’t think you’re rambling. Even so, rambling is ok here. It’s a horrible confusing time and we are all trying to make sense of what makes no sense. A long time ago my mum was asking me what to say to a man she knew I knew. I told her to tell him nothing: he’d raped me. We never spoke of it again. I had hoped to keep it from her.

You have so much else going on. You don’t need to put on a brave face. My ex lied to me and told me that he and his then wife had ‘grown apart’. Just No. He abused and raped her too.

[maddog]

Sorry for that information overload, Escapedbuthaunted! People simply don’t know what happens behind closed doors and most people asdume the best. I hope you are ok. I apologise for banging on. At the moment I am reeling & not in such a good place.

[KIP.]

Hi, I think this would be a good time to come clean with your friend. Just explain that because of his past abusive behaviour which has left you with trauma, you’re sorry but if he’s invited then you won’t be able to come as the impact on your mental health would be too great. Try to do it before the invitations go out. I was at a relatives wedding recently and my ex was not invited. Sometimes people just have to pick a side. There’s no middle ground where abuse is concerned. She may surprise you and say she knew all along. It’s just a suggestion as I don’t know your situation but I do know abuse thrives on silence and keeping secrets like this are damaging to us. At the end of the day, it’s your decision but I do not have any mutual friends anymore. It was much easier that way x

[Flowerchild]

I agree with KIP! Somehow I always do – she’s wise.

This is an excellent time to tell the bride/groom you’re close to. Why not check whether he’s actually been invited (who wants an alcoholic at their wedding?) and then explain that it wasn’t just his alcoholism that broke you up, it was his abusive behaviour. You could explain that you don’t want to give him the opportunity to misbehave to upset you, embarrassing the important people at the same time: the bride and groom. You could tell them nothing would keep you away but for his presence, but that you’re not asking or expecting them to uninvite him; you’ll stay away for everyone’s peace and safety, including your own.

I expect you’ll get together afterwards to see photos, video, etc. It’s not the same, I know, but the risk of him kicking off or flaunting a new relationship is probably too high. It’s what they do! Disappoint him and protect yourself, I suggest. Better not to go at all than be harassed and have to flee.

Flower x

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