My counsellor doesn’t believe me.

[Copperflame]

Hello Ladies,

I haven’t been on here for a long time, but I have recently started having counselling for depression and anxiety with an (detail removed by moderator) and would appreciate your views.

This counselling is not going well because the counsellor doesn’t believe me about the abuse I have suffered in the past – I’ve had more than one abusive relationship – or the abuse I experienced as a child. Consequently I feel misunderstood, unheard and invalidated. In one session she even told me I had not suffered abuse, but had had “fractured relationships”. She also told me that I was not trauma bonded, but I think I was.

She suggested that I had difficulty making friends – which I don’t, but when I am depressed I isolate myself and don’t want to talk to anyone, and don’t even go on social media.

I have read a lot of books about domestic abuse, have attended recovery and empowerment courses, and have had specialist DV counselling as well as trauma therapy, so as a result I have acquired extensive knowledge about abuse on an intellectual level. Unfortunately on an emotional level, I’m still suffering from the effects of the abuse and I think they are contributing to my current depression and anxiety.

She says I am living in the past and that I should be focusing on the present. Is there something wrong with me that I’m still struggling to get over some of the things I’ve experienced?

I’m now thinking of stopping this counselling because each session is causing me to feel angry and resentful, but I am worried I will be penalised if I do and won’t get any more help. Should I just stick it out as it isn’t for very long?

I know enough about DV and have spoken to enough DV professionals to know that what I experienced in my past relationships was definitely abuse and not simply “fractured relationships”. The hardest thing about this is that I am not being taken seriously.

I am currently awaiting some more DV counselling, which I think will be more helpful.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Copperflame, I am so sorry that the counsellor you are seeing doesn’t understand DA/DV… was she meant to be experienced in DA? You have every right to ask her if she is trained/experienced in this area as it us greatly overlooked.  Also, only a counsellor/therapist with DA/DV training would recognise Domestic abuse, just how you now know what it is (trust your gut).

It is a personal decision as to whether to continue seeing her, however,  if it was me, and this counsellor was causing anxiety with her dismissive attitude, I wouldn’t see her.  If you also have DV counselling in the future you will get the correct help

 

DA is massively overlooked and dismissed in society and unless someone is trained in it they will not understand.

 

Having said that, the attitude you have received from your counsellor is very poor… the you ‘should’ let go of the past blah blah… that is very insensitive and not something I would expect from any counsellor…

Like you, I also educated myself on DA, trust your own knowledge and experiences, you know what you have been through and the areas you are struggling with (I am some years out and still struggle with certain elements of the abuse I survived)

 

Massive hugs 🫂

[Copperflame]

Hi Hereforhelp and thanks for your reply.

The counsellor isn’t experienced in DA, I was referred by my GP for depression and anxiety, but it would be nice to be shown a bit of empathy and understanding even if she isn’t a DV/DA specialist.

I’ve had psychotherapy in the past to explore my childhood and upbringing as well as numerous other issues, but even though my therapist wasn’t a DV specialist, she nevertheless understood about abuse and how it affects a person. When I was seeing her, she did show empathy and understanding and most importantly, she believed me.

What I am struggling with is that my therapy sessions seem to be a battle of wills, with her challenging everything I say and not being interested in how I feel, or how the abuse has affected me. I also have some quite serious health issues, but she isn’t interested how these are contributing to my depression either.

I agree with you that the attitude I’ve received from this counsellor is very poor – no one should be telling you to let go of the past, because ruminating on the past is usually due to unresolved issues which need exploring. In fact, she reminds me of my abusers, when after an abusive episode, they would tell me to “forget about it and move on”.

I think I will stop seeing her.

thanks for listening

 

[Copperflame]

My counsellor also challenges everything I say as if I am getting it all wrong, but she isn’t interested in how I am feeling. 

She doesn’t seem to understand what it feels like to feel controlled, even when your abuser isn’t around. She doesn’t seem to understand what it feels like when your abuser’s voice is still in your head, even when he is long gone. She doesn’t understand what it is like to feel triggered by seemingly minor things, even when you are out of the relationship.

[Hereforhelp]

DA is so misunderstood, you are right, to understand what it is like to be controlled without fully understanding how that happened as it builds up…. the triggers are real and it is very painful… I also do not understand how so many people, whether professionals or not just do not understand how deeply the abuse goes and affects us.

 

Xx

 

[Copperflame]

Well I phoned the organisation yesterday and asked for a new therapist. This was a big step for me, but because of my history of abuse, I tend to put up with a lot in the hope that things will improve. I actually felt guilty about complaining and asking for someone else.

The therapist I was seeing was dismissive of my feelings, and this left me feeling unheard and invalidated. Not only that, but she was making excuses for my ex’s behaviour and seemed to be taking his side. I felt resentful that she didn’t believe I had suffered DA or trauma bonding and was very sceptical of things I told her about my health issues and how they affect me.  Her attitude towards me was very abrupt and antagonistic, which to be honest, put me on the defensive.

There was an incident when I challenged my ex about something, and he became verbally abusive and I started crying. She told me he was entitled to express his own views and opinions, to which I replied that I was entitled to question them or challenge them, and there was no need for him to be verbally abusive as we could have discussed them in a healthier, more respectful way.

My ex used to gaslight me by hiding my things, or moving them around without telling me so that I couldn’t find them in their usual places. He once hid medical equipment that I need to manage my health condition. She told me it was his house too, and he didn’t have to tell me that he was rearranging things. I told her that if they were my possessions I had a right to know what he was doing with them, especially important medical equipment. Yet if I was spring cleaning and decided to reorganise things I would always tell him out of consideration. I felt as if somehow I wasn’t getting through to her because she just wasn’t ‘hearing me’ and I didn’t like the way she kept making excuses for his behaviour and suggesting that I was overreacting.

Anyway I’m glad I plucked up the courage to ask for someone else. They were very understanding and I’m now waiting for an appointment with a new therapist.

Thanks for listening.

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