My daughters hate me

[Irise]

Hi there, I’m new here and feeling broken even though I divorced my husband over a decade ago. When I finally left him our children came with me and I kept on telling myself I can survive this – the stalking, the death threats, the court battle – because I had my wonderful daughters and we would make it through. I was severely depressed when I left and I did the best that I could to rebuild a life for me and my children. I know that my depression impacted on them and I think they were angry with me. They still are. Their father is now really rich and although he left me in financial crisis whilst they were children since they became adults he has lavished them. I am happy that he has been able to support their studies and their lives but it feels like the more contact they’ve had with him the more they have turned against me. My oldest daughter has cut me out of her life completely whilst my younger daughter has left the country and whilst we have communication and she comes to visit it is always very difficult as she tells me in so many ways that I am not a good person, that the things I say or do are ‘insane’, that I gaslight her when I try to defend myself from her bullying me. It is only calm if I erase myself from the conversation and don’t have an opinion that she does not share. My heart is breaking right now. Christmas has been horrendous – she came to visit but just wanted to argue with me and then sprung her partner on me at the last minute – I ended up agreeing to them coming because I was scared how she would be with me if I said no. I am beginning to wonder if I am insane and I have to remind myself that that is how he used to make me feel. I am still scared of him and he uses finances against me. Now I feel he is manipulating them against me and I am being constantly challenged by my youngest adult daughter. She says there are two sides to every story and that she doesn’t believe me. That she feels sorry for her father. This man abused me physically, psychologically, emotionally, financially for (detail removed by Moderator) years of marriage. Now I have lost my daughters. Now I am alone. I struggle to trust people and form friendships, or indeed relationships. I lived for my children and now I have nothing. I feel like I am a failure. I feel everyone thinks I’m a bad person/mother because my adult children hate me.

[Footballfan1]

Hi Irise,

I’m sorry to hear how difficult things are for you.
It sounds like your ex has been manipulating your daughters.
The youngest sounds like she is mimicking her dad’s behaviour.
Please know you are not going mad, like you said, you recognise the behaviour that your daughter is displaying.
I am really sorry, I’m not sure what the best thing for you to do is.
I’m sure other ladies will offer advice soon.
Please keep posting, use this safe place to share your fears and frustrations.
You are very brave, and have already been through so much.
We are all here for you xx

[Irise]

Thank you for your response @Footballfan1. It is appreciated. I carried so much shame during the many years of abuse and never told a soul. I was the cliche making up stories about falling over, knocking my head etc etc to cover up what he was doing. I blamed myself and tried to do do everything ‘right’ so he wouldn’t hurt me. It took me a long time of recovery and healing before I could understand that the shame was his and that I shouldn’t have to be silent. Now I speak about it openly, if people ask about my life I tell them. I don’t hide that I was abused. I don’t want to hide anymore and I don’t want to be silenced anymore so it is awful to be told by my grown up child that I mustn’t speak about my abuse to anyone we both know.

[Footballfan1]

It is typical victim behaviour to lie about the injuries, cover them up, minimise the issues.

You should have no shame at all, and I’m glad you do see that.

Your daughters probably don’t like hearing it, but it doesn’t mean it’s not true.

Most people can’t understand what we went through or are going through, unless you are subjected to it yourself, you can’t understand how truly awful and soul destroying abuse is.
You have been amazing to heal as you have, keep strong and look after yourself.
Your daughters are old enough to be self sufficient.
Take the time to focus on your wants and needs now xx

[Headspin]

This is so sad to read and I am very sorry that you’re going through this. I was in a similar situation, at first my adult daughters supported me, then did a U turn and it shocked me to the core. I was completely devastated. All I heard from them was that I was the sane one (meaning their Dad was crazy) and that I should have left/protected them/not had more children to bring into our dysfunctional family. It literally broke my heart. I had more therapy, medication and I have come through. I have a really good relationship with my daughters now but it was hard work, but stay focused and on a mission to earn your daughters’ trust.

Of course, all relationships are different but I can tell you what worked for me, if that’s of any help to you. I stopped contacting them unless it was something positive, even a simple picture of one of my pets, a meal I’d made, not asking questions, even “how are you?” meant I wanted a response. When one of my daughters wanted a meaningful conversation I started to listen and not talk about how it was for me. I learned to say “I’m sorry that must have been awful for you, it must have felt as if I wasn’t listening to you”. I kept acknowledging her feelings and affirming how awful the arguing and chaos must have been. There was a great book I read at the time, can’t remember now, will look it up and post the title. It was about how to stop an argument from escalating, how to listen. I stopped saying anything negative about their Dad because that was hurting them and after a while it didn’t seem relevant. I learned that my adult daughters have their own lives and issues, they don’t want to hear Mum complaining about Dad.

My daughters really needed to believe that their Dad was a hero, they couldn’t face the fact that he had abused us all, mentally, physically and financially. It was just too much for them to comprehend. It hit home to me when one of my daughter’s told me that she want a “Mum and daughter relationship”. They wanted their Mum back.

You must be going through the most hideous pain, there’s nothing as bad as being rejected by the ones you love. Take courage in your truth and the love you have for your girls and please look after yourself and practice self care.

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Irise

I too am here in support of you, and all that you have suffered, knowing that you are not the insane one, and that your daughters will want you when they are ready, when they have seen who he really is.

It is imperative that you hang onto your truth of what you suffered, and I am so sorry that you are now still suffering the effects of his abuses on you all.

I loved the post above shared by Headspin, and there is so much encouragement to take from that and her experiences. You have validation, always, from us here, but your daughters seem unlikely to give you that, andt hats because they didn’t experience what you did, and they have a disney dad who is presumably lavishing everything on them that you cant because he’s made money, but it doesn’t change who he is, it just gives him more power, but he’s still who he is. Do keep seeking conversation here and anywhere else you can find the understanding you need. Its such a supportive place to come and I hope you can find other places irl too that you can go to and get the vital support you need to validate your experiences and help you through this horrible time for you. This is likely to be a long haul before they start to open their eyes. Do you have evidence of any of the injuries? I only ask as this may hit them hard and stop them pretending with the gaslighting and minimising.

Do keep talking all you need and asking for anything that will help.

warmest wishes

ts

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