My ex had a cardiac arrest

[Kemi]

Hi all,

My mind is a fog right now, not sure where to begin or what emotions to feel.

I first wrote on here about a month ago when I was living with my now ex (titled: “is it enough for me to leave with my baby?”), explaining I wanted to leave and not sure if I was experiencing emotional abuse – turns out I was. And about (detail removed by Moderator) ago it got physical with pushing and using an object to knock into (detail removed by Moderator)…I ended up calling the police to explain what happened with the intention for someone to be there so I could pack my things and leave with my child but they ended up arresting him (detail removed by Moderator). I managed to leave with most of my things and since then have been feeling a wave of anxiety, anger, relief (but not much relief) and guilt, guilt that I have our child in a weird way and also whether I was right in what I did. Anyway recently I received a message from his family saying he had a cardiac arrest (detail removed by Moderator), he’s stable. I don’t know what caused it, stress, bad diet who knows. I haven’t been in touch with family since. There’s a no contact set but I can’t say I’m moved to reach out either. Sometimes I feel sorry for him but then I remember the hurtful abusive things he said to me and the way he’d isolate me from my son and the mean things he’d say to our son about me and I don’t know, it’s a mixture of anger and sadness. I know he doesn’t care about me. It’s good I managed to get away and for those who are still trying, it’s not easy, but sometimes you have to move even when you don’t feel ready (there’s never a right time) as much as I had planned in my mind to leave, that day I didn’t realise I was going to until in that moment I thought, “it’s now or never”. A couple weeks in and I still have anxiety, and there will be more of those days to come when I’m sure he’ll fight for custody but you just have to take it one day, or moment or even emotion, at a time.

Just thought I’d update you guys and also would love to hear from you too x

Take care
X

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Kemi

No, its not easy to do, and I’m not sure any of us altogether know when we’ll make that leap and what will trigger it, but you’ve done it! Awesome, knowing how hard it is and you did it.

Your ex having a heart attack is very unlucky due to anything you could possibly do. He either had an undiagnosed issue which was going to surface at some point anyway, or like you say, he’s got into poor health through bad life choices, with diet and exercise, other drinks/drugs, and other factors.

You couldn’t have prevented him having a heart attack, only medical intervention could have done that, and there is nothing you can do for him now, you stay strong, as you are being, as, like you say, you wouldn’t be in this position if he hadn’t said and done awful things to you, and therefore risk both you and your child.

Keep prioritising yourself and your child. I hope that you can find a safe home permanently, and know that you would be legally entitled to stay in your family home with your child.

Its seems highly likely to me that he will try to use this to emotionally abuse you, so be prepared for the guilt trips, from him and his family when you don’t show at his bedside to support him after all he’s done to you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Anonymous]

Hi Kemi,

Well done to you for leaving with your son.

Twisted Sister has given you some great advice above.

You need to focus on making the good life for yourself and your son which you both absolutely deserve. Your ex is not your child and he will be receiving the necessary medical treatment.

From what you have described, he didn’t care about you or your son so you need to put you both first.

I would reiterate that don’t get sucked into the guilt trip that him and his family might use to try and get their toxic tentacles back into you. His actions and words have got him to this position, do not blame yourself at all, he needs to know that actions have consequences.

You have inspired me because you left so soon after it got physical and I wish that I had done the same.

Keep strong sister x

[Author]

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