My ex hates me always has how to cope

[Mellow]

The kids can see it they told me I feel awful and like I was used .the whole relationship I felt like an egg donor for children and now the kids know it .I’ve lost respect for myself but I’m wanting to get it back.I disrespected myself without realising let someone use me I feel awful he dosent like me he likes the kids why did he do this to me?I’ve not done any wrong to him.why did he treat me like this ?

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Mellow

There are just some awful people in the world, its not your fault. We can’t assume that someone is out to get us, to use us and throw us away. That abusive behaviour is all on them, not you and not your children.

You are not the first woman used like this, and sadly you won’t be the last, and it will only ever be the fault of the male user/abuser, and sadly there’s too much support for it around them too. In some communities its more accepted and promoted than others. In some societies it can be impossible to be happy in a partnership as a woman.

You know how awful he is, and how he used you, and that doesn’t give you ‘choice’, to ‘let’ him do this to you. Thats how abuse works, your choices are so limited, as to be non-existent, your choices are gone and your automy to allow or let stuff happen gone with it.

Please land the blame at his door for this, not beat yourself up about it or take responsibility for his behaviour. If he had told you all that he had planned, and what he thought of you when he first met you it wouldn’t have been an attractive or appealing proposition to you would it! He had to abuse you by stealth, or you might have felt validated in your claims about his behaviour and not stayed with him or had his children.

The processing you are doing is all part of healing from his abuse. Look after yourself really well.

warmest wishes

ts

[Mellow]

Thanks for responding the signs were there he did tell me I ignored it and took it as how he was and hoped he didn’t mean it when we first met he said I was awful and dirty and still stayed I know i must of had some problem with myself to accept this behaviour I have learned from this but the hard way I kept getting into bad relationships and wanting to find the best in people but now I feel disgusted with myself especially the people I’ve had children with are disgusting vile people I can’t believe I didn’t see my worth and was so desperate for a man I’m disgusted with myself

[Twisted Sister]

I am so sorry that you see any of their abuses as somehow your responsibility. I think, looking back, we could probably all see things at the start, signs, red flags, that we waved away because they seemed silly, or possibly bizarre, or too shocking to fully comprehend.

An abuser is an abuser is an abuser. You cannot make them abuse you, and you cannot stop them. Noone can stop them. They prey on vulnerabilities, we all have vulnerabilities, we are human. Some are more vulnerable than others, but that doesn’t make them party to the abuse. Take the elderly, some trapped in homes where their ‘carers’ have abused them, where there are children in foster care, or state children’s homes, where they have been grossly abused, it doesn’t change anything, abuse is abuse, and the vulnerable are not active drivers of that abuse.

Try to be caring of yourself and like you say, know that this man is who he has shown you that he is, now that you fully see it. Him and all the others are haters of women, users and abusers of women, because they are women and viewed as objects for birthing their children, and the rest.

Look after yourself Mellow, and I hope that you have some other supports in your life also, that will take good care of you. There are no ‘perfect’ victims, we come in all shapes and sizes.

warmest wishes

ts

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