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So I am currently living with my parents. My father has hit me a few times and has been throwing psychologial abuse at me for as long as I can remember.
When I was younger, he attempted to do something (I don’t want to go into detail on here). My mother denies that he did this and its in my imagination.
Lockdown has been hard, my husband lives abroad and we are working on trying to get his visa for him to live over here and become my carer as I have a few health conditions. My father and I got into a disagreement back in (detail removed by moderator) and he hit me – this is not the first time he has and it unfortunately won’t be the last. My GP is aware and has been amazing with the support. My mother backed my father up and said that I deserved it and that he didn’t really hit me.
My father shouts a lot and I get scared when he goes to hit me so I’ve slapped (detail removed by moderator) a few times because I know that he will full on hit me and there will be actual damage. He then uses this against me which isn’t a pleasant experience.
I am currently on a waiting list for a new house in a completely different area to what I am in. I am slowly moving things out of my bedroom when its possible. Unfortunately, there is only one car in the family and I have to ask to use it when he’s around. We also have one of those annoying (detail removed by moderator) cameras, so he can see whos at the door and whenever one of us goes out. When he is out at appointments, he sits there and watches the camera, I’ve caught him doing it. I am running out of ideas on how to safely move my items out of my bedroom without him noticing. I’ve thought about turning off the wifi whilst I load up the car but I know that I will then get a phone call asking why the wifi isn’t working.
He recently had an assessment where he lied about my health and how that I am mentally unstable and that everyone is scared of me and my mood swings. I will admit I suffer from anxiety and depression and it can be tough for me.
My mother is just as bad, she is aware that I am trying to move out and I am scared that whenever we argue, this will be the time where she spills out everything and it will cause trouble. I’ve set up new social media accounts so they cannot see what is going on, I’ve changed all my passwords etc and set up a new email address. I’ve done this as we have a (detail removed by moderator) of passwords and mine HAD to be put in.
I honestly don’t feel safe and I don’t know what to do.
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Hi, I’m just wondering if you have a keyworker? If not, please do get in touch with your local domestic abuse charity. Some are very good. Also, please consider using the Women’s Aid chat. I’ve heard they are very good.
The camera can be easily sorted. As you say, you can just switch off the router and tell him the WiFi went down. If it’s battery operated you can just take the battery out and deny all knowledge that it had stopped working. (I’ve picked up a few tips from my ex who was a world expert liar). I finally worked out that the only way to stay safe was to lie just as brazenly!
Please be sure to let your GP know every time you receive a physical injury from him.
Your mother is also abusive. She is actively enabling and excusing his behaviour. This is not a safe place for you to be. Please let your local authority know that you are suffering abuse in your home. They have to rehome you. Again your local dv charity should be able to help you through the process.
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Thank you for the reply.
No I don’t have a keyworker, its trying to find the time to ask for help online because if I am downstairs then all of a sudden he appears when I am either on (detail removed by moderator) or my laptop – normally when I am trying to work out my banking.
Unfortunately, my mother is around when he isn’t and she won’t let me turn the wifi off. I went to do it last time he was out and she made up some excuse. We have (detail removed by moderator) and we aren’t allowed to do washing unless its a sunny day and if its not he will complain, he comes back from his appointments demanding to know why the electricity is being used.
I wrote to my GP last week and told them about the new abuse so it is now on the system. They wrote a letter for housing but the places I have spoken to say its not enough. I also asked that neither of my parents can access my records or be my emergency contact. I have changed my emerengcy contacts at the hospital too.
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If you contact your local women’s aid you may be able to get a place in a refuge which will be safer for you and they can help with other services and housing. Could you take black bin bags to the car and say you’re taking clothes to a clothes bank or recycle centre. Hide your items in the bags. There is a 24 hour helpline run by refuge. The national domestic abuse helpline. You could ring them late at night when everyone is asleep.
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Is your best friend in a position to help you? Do they drive? Is it possible you could take bags of belongings out through the back door/another exit instead to avoid his ridiculous camera set up? Could you say something like your friend is collecting second hand clothing for a refugee charity or something? I’ve noticed a lot of similar collections on social media lately.
Sorry if this isn’t helpful, just trying to think of some ideas.
Refuge sounds like it could be a really good option for you until you get your new house. Especially as you’re feeling so unsafe with them. If not, could you stay with your friend temporarily? Xx -
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It sounds horrific Jingo, as though you’re in prison. People don’t leave an abusive situation; they escape.
Please seek advice from Women’s Aid. They’ll help you to leave safely. People always say to take important documents with you such as a birth certificate/driving licence etc. If you can’t get them, don’t worry, they’re replaceable.
It’s really important to involve the outside world. They may see the situation from a different angle, and help make what seems impossible, possible. Your father shouldn’t be beating you, and shouldn’t be blaming you for the effect the family’s had on you. You may find support through the National Association of People Abused in Childhood (NAPAC). You’re not alone, and you need to escape for your own safety.
So often, anxiety and depression and so many other psychiatric disorders are caused by abuse. Baby steps. For now, you need to find a safe way to get out.
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I’ve sent my birth certificate to a friend of mine so thats safe and my previous passport to another friend, I have my marriage certificate with me as I need it with me when I visit my husband – its the country’s rules that I visit due to the pandemic.
My passport is easy to reach as well.My husband and I are trying to apply for a visa for him to live here so all the paperwork for that is safe with a friend so that way if I have to get out quickly then I can.
Thank you for the advice, I will do that
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