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So my foolishness clearly knows no bounds. Not only did I break no contact with the letter but I noticed yesterday that the third party had unblocked me. I was curious. I stupidly got in touch and received a frosty response. I know that he has the letter but he cannot bring himself to read it all the way through. He took my doctors note to my doctor to verify that it was real. The nerve of it! Apparently this whole thing has sent him to counselling and he is really traumatised. He is off women and dating and confines himself to the library as he is worried that action from me will compromise his academic career. Because of my stupid actions there is no way I can make a complaint now surely. She said that he was considering to meet so I could get closure but that I shouldn’t get my hopes up about entering into a relationship again. I’m very upset about that. I read my letter to her and she softened as she sees my side now and says the whole things has been a big miscommunication rather than abuse. I’m almost inclined to agree. I just want to speak to him so badly and I want to recover my relationship but apparently he needs time to think. He hasn’t been able to read my letter as it’s too painful for him and he cries. I’m so upset and just want him back and yet I’m annoyed at myself as I’ve compromised my complaint by contacting her I’m sure. He’s completely acting like the victim and I feel bad.
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im sorry your being fed this line ‘its miscommunication not abuse’ this is classic i had my ex put his hands around my neck and pinned down and i was shot down by a third party and told dont be a drama queen. this is minimisation – id say he definitely has a me me me attitude. he discarded you when you needed him most and youve been through the trauma of loosing your baby. its true abuser style to say but oh poor me. what about you. please dont under sell yourself hear. i think if you went back you be submitting yourself to the devil. i think after he has behaved he should – he shouldnt have professional credibilty. people in a position of trust shouldnt behave this way. im sorry this probably isnt what you want to hear but you sound so lovely and i would hate to see you getting sucked back into this and getting hurt over and over xxxx much love diymum
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Thank you diymum. I understand what you are saying. I just feel bad because he’s in counselling, traumatised, worried about his career which is why he’s left me alone, he’s off of women now, crying and in pain. He’s considering meeting with me although his instinct is not to, but it’s not an absolute no. He just needs time to think and process as he thought he’d never hear from me again. He hasn’t been able to bring himself to read the letter, only skim it. I read it to her and she softened and understood my side. It is generous to put it down to a miscommunication but I love him. I’ve been warned not to get my hopes up for a relationship and that he’s only considering to help give me closure. I want him so much so it’s very hard to accept that he doesn’t want to be with me. It’s within his power to fix all of this and be there for me now and put things right after not being there for me when I needed him. I need this so much.
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I just knew that this is how he’d be. He hasn’t been swanning around happy and womanising. He’s traumatised and now I know. I want him so very much but it’s him that doesn’t want me!! I feel a mix of euphoria that he’s even entertaining the notion of meeting me and hope that it will be more than a chance for closure. I want the relationship back. I want him to make it right. I’ve done my bit. I wish he’d reciprocate. I’ve gone through so much. He may not have been there when I needed him and he may have been selfish and treated me badly, but he can fix it now. I just want him to do that and show me that he does care. He said he did. I then feel despair and annoyed at myself for compromising my complaint, I won’t be able to now surely. But I’d rather have him back anyway. I just hope he’ll meet me. I’m running out of time and wondering why he’s taking so long to read the letter. Sure, it’s going to be painful but it’s a painful situation.
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Hi BM,
You say he is traumatised and in counselling and worried about his career. Where is his worry for you in this? I don’t mean to be harsh but it seems he is doing a fine job of painting himself as a victim and completely minimising what in fact has happened. He says he is off women, but anyone can tell you that, doesn’t make it true – and if it is true, these men are expert manipulators and will play the victim for as long as needed. I wonder, is there a time limit on when you can submit a complaint? Perhaps he will continue this charade until such a time has run out.
Crying and in pain – my mother’s ex told me that he was doing this too. As much as I wanted to believe that he was crying over the loss of me, I think he was crying over the fear that people might find him out. And I think you need to consider it an option that this is all just continued manipulation on his and her part.
I wonder, how are you feeling about your career right now? Would you give it up to be with him? Do you value love and a relationship more than a career? It’s fine to do so, he is certainly sending this message that he is worried about his career, but perhaps you should be looking out for you too and ensure this doesn’t take over from your studies?
Regarding your letter. Sweetheart, if he sent you a letter, you would read it straight away wouldn’t you? You would savour every single word, just so you would know how he is directly from him, wouldn’t you? I know I would. I know I wouldn’t skim a letter he would send me. If somebody I loved sent me a letter, I wouldn’t be able to not read it. In fact I think skimming a letter sounds like he is playing on the victim card, but perhaps I am wrong, but I do think you should ask yourself these questions. It’s good to think the best of people, but sometimes it’s even better to think the best of ourselves first. -
Always sorry, I completely agree. I think I’ve jeopardised my complaint. I sent the letter and I contacted the friend because I’m so flipping desperate to get back to him. How can I ever explain that? I’m annoyed at myself because I do think he’s worried about his career and just reigning it in to protect himself. She said he was worried about action against him and told me that he’s being protected by his institution who apparently say I’m nuts but he kindly refused not to get a ban actioned against me.Apparently his counsellors and all his support all agree I’m nuts. They know I was considering a complaint. It’s just too much. I don’t want to hurt him. I want to be with him. Regarding the letter, he says it’s too painful and asked his friend to read it for him. Probably because he will have to face up to what he’s done even though I don’t blame him or point fingers. It’s a very compassionate and generous letter which just appeals to him to talk to me so we can get through all this pain and loss together. Perhaps I’m too naive but I just believe them as deep down I thought he’d take it badly. I was telling myself he’d be carrying on happy as larry, but he’s not. Even if it’s selfish, he does care.
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my feeling is that you want this pain your feeling to stop- that wrenching feeling in our stomach we cant sleep or eat- we want him to fix it. i think this is probably trauma bonding because i felt like this once too. noone could tell me different i needed his approval id say (that was my ego) which is very small now because of what he did. i get this but i have to honest it is a mistake. even if you could take a break get a holiday – just time. you dont have to do anything bm.i agree with always sorry i think a better response from him should have been to get in touch straight away and to ask you are you ok not the other way round. actions speak louder than words. xxxx
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that shows that he is not going to take any responsibility. i was trauma bonded he was honestly like a dug addiction – well and truly a fix. my friend from school met up with me recently and sh said god there was no talking to you – u just would not give up on him little did i know it wasnt love. i got rid off him for 5 days after he nearly killed me – he strangled me – i had a panic attack i was in my garden in the middle of the night. it was so powerful and intense my need for this to subside. i called my friend in the night and she was not best pleased that id woken her up. she said i was being rediculous – i was truly feeling desperate. now i know and at the time i thought this was love it wasnt it was the effect of trauma. im along time out and i can confirm i have only loved once and it was not him – i promise, ride this through you will meet a descent guy who will love you if thats what you want in time/or not but you wont get this from him xxxx please leave well alone if you can and reach out until these feelings pass – they do honest xxxx sending you a hug and strength xxxx love diymum
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It is very diffictult to explain trauma bonding to someone who hasn’t experienced it, but it sounds like this is what is going on right now.
Please don’t hold onto what these other people are saying, about how you are nuts. What I learned from Mr. Bancroft himself was that you can never diagnose or comment on someone whom you’ve never spoken with! My ex also claimed that his occupational health therapist said I was the problem. But she never even spoke with me. Remember that. These people have never even spoken with you.
You are in crises, sweetheart, so your actions are completely understandable to me, but not everyone out there will understand them and to some yes it will seem as if we are nuts! But I believe this is what the trauma bond does to us. It becomes more about making that pain that DM described so well go away than it does about love. It’s just about fixing it, isn’t it. But you see sweetheart, he had every chance to fix it.
I’m afraid I can’t quite imagine myself not wanting to read such a letter. I most certainly wouldn’t have someone else read it, especially not if I was afraid of its contents. I just can’t imagine a situation where someone I am crying over, am in pain over, have had a traumatising experience with that lead to counselling, sends me a letter and I don’t read it. I just can’t.
What I can imagine is what you are feeling right now and I know how strong that craving is. And I know how many times that craving made me go back for more so I feel with you right now and wish I could take that pain away from you. I am only months free from my abuser, but that trauma bond does loosen up, I promise you it will. You can get through this, one minute at a time, allow yourself to think of something other than him, dive into your studies if you can, do something you love that has nothing to do with him. Minute by minute, the pain will decrease. And if it flares up again, minute by minute we face it and get through it. You can do this, BM, I believe in you. -
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Thanks for your insights AS. It’s so powerful and I hate that it’s me that’s begging to be taken back and that he doesn’t care or want me back. It’s like he’d be doing me a favour as I’m told he will do it to enable me to get closure because he cares on a human level as though he’s some kind of ethical god.
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the thing to tell yourself is trauma can make us think beyond reason. we just want the feelings to stop. a good mantra is ‘this will pass’. dont rush into anything feeling like this because you will regret it like we can all vouch for. worse i got pregnant and he had very little interest in our kids because he was so self absorbed and played the victim. i wish now i had chosen someone who had compassion. you deserve compassion – the only person that can give you that right now is you and with the right support youll get there. your life will pan out you will get through this. it dosent feel like it right now but it didnt for me either xxxx hind sight is great i know but i really hope you dont learn the hard way like me xxxx big regrets now i did make a really big mistake xxxx
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It is a very powerful feeling, yes. I begged, too. I was told he couldn’t make a decision on account of having to wait and see what would happen with his job. His job was literally more important than deciding if he loved me or not. And still, I begged.
I wish we could all get closure, but I’ve been reading on this forum for a while now, and I think the only closure we can ever hope to get is the closure we give ourselves. Sometimes, we have to find that closure in stopping making excuses for them, I think. I had a horrible experience with him being found not guilty because no one saw him doing it, but then I was granted a restraining order against him. I found closure in that. I went to block him, and – not too surprisingly – he had already blocked me. This I’ve told myself is my closure. Every single Facebook post he and I made of our oh so happy life has been un-tagged by that action of blocking each other. Each post he placed on my profile has disappeared and I’m sure it’s the same the other way around. The memories of our travels now only show my name. There is closure in that, for me. Perhaps one day I can remember a good memory without crying, perhaps one day I will be strong enough to speak of a bad memory without shaking and sweating with fear.
He is indeed not some kind of ruler over ethics – and what a lovely way to put you down by making it sound like he’d be granting a massive sacrifice. You deserve to be placed on a pedestal, loved completely for who you are. You are certainly worth more than some favour to give you closure. -
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Hi Beautymarked
I have been following your story closely the past weeks and I haven’t commented as the advice you have been given has been amazing so I had nothing to add. But today I really feel your pain and desperation for this man and it made me want to comment.
You have had a really tough time. I too miscarried this year and I don’t think I appreciated what this experience did to me both physically, but more so emotionally. My counsellor thinks I have PTSD due to that and the terrible situation I was living in with my ex. Its one thing to experience abuse but another on top of that to lose your baby, and get no support from the one person who should be feeling it too. I almost had to forget about my feelings of grief and concentrate on not settimg him off on one and on getting myself out of the situation I was in. It was only when I was away from the relationship I started to notice I could grieve.
Its not been easy and I still have moments where I fall apart with sadness but what is really important is that you are treating yourself well and ridding your mind of all the emotional trauma caused by your ex. Its so so hard, I know, but you are number 1 here, you are what matters, you need to be respected and your feelings and needs now need to come first. I really don’t think they are.
I have also been in the position where I wanted him and him alone and nothing else in this world. My eyes have already been opened to what genuine niceness and respect feels like from another person. Its almost like we dont think we deserve any better, but we really, really do.
Thinking of you. One step at a time, you can get stronger and will get through this.Love
Shaz -
Youve has some good support but I wanted to add that abusers are liars and so are their flying monkeys keys. Do not believe a word he says to you about anything. There’s no evidence he’s even getting counselling or is heartbroken or not dating. In fact the more my abuser drew attention to things like not drinking, not stealing etc he was actually confessing. He’s keeping a low profile because he knows his job could be in jeopardy and will not risk giving you the chance to follow through on your complaint. Dangling a possible meet-up is just cruel and controlling. It’s like if you behave he may possible meet you. Don’t believe him.
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Thank you for all the advice. I’ve had an atrocious day. I’ve been in touch with his friend who says he’s not speaking to her because she apparently overstepped the boundary. I’m not going to hear from him. I’ve told her how abusive he is continuing to be and hurt I am but that all I want to do is to be heard and acknowledged by the man who got me pregnant and had yet again abandoned me. I lost my resolve called him once (obviously no answer but not blocked) and sent a message. That’s it. No more now. I’m actually done. Ive done everything. I just want my miscarriage to be acknowledged. It’s the only thing I want from him now. He is silencing me. I’m still going to make my complaint. My attempts at contact have been reasonable and generous. I’m satisfied he’s an abuser now. The problem is the formal channels won’t give me recognition either. I worry I will contact his mum who doesn’t know me as I was obviously his shameful and dirty secret in order to be heard. I just want to be heard. I want a voice. He is silencing me. Yes he might look like the reasonable one but he has pushed me and pushed me and Allo wAnt is to be heard and my pain and the shameful treatment I’ve received acknowledged. She is the closest person to him if I can’t get it from him. I fear the lack of resolution from official channels will push me to do it.
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I hear you, I acknowledge how traumatic and how painful this entire situation is for you. I know he is an abuser, I know he abused you, and I know you did not deserve any of this.
I’m saying this with all the kindness I can put into writing on a page and wish I could convey this to you so you could hear my tone of voice as I don’t want it to come across wrong, but please don’t contact his mother. While he most certainly deserves a massive consequence which is something we would expect their parents to agree with, I very much doubt she would even believe you. My ex was supported by his mother all the way through and actively engaged in emotionally abusing me. I’m not saying his mother will be the same, but I am letting you know there is a possibility that she won’t believe a single word you say. You won’t feel heard. Which leads to how it will come across if you contact his mother. I wish we lived in a different more fair world, but you contacting her will just play into his hand of how he is portraying himself as the victim. I don’t want you to get into trouble for trying to find justice, so please consider carefully if contacting her could ever provide that for you or if the risk of it painting you in a bad light outweighs it. I read a story today of how someone who had been horrendously abused hadn’t removed a photo on Facebook of them as a couple. A court (!) found this to be proof that she was making it all up as otherwise she would have surely removed it. People aren’t caught up on trauma bonding, they don’t understand the behaviour or the actions we feel compelled to take, and while survivors will always have completely understanding for what you are going through, just be aware that the rest of the world might not see it how you intended it.
You absolutely deserve justice and to be heard, so I would put some work into your complaint and focus on you now. It’s good you have come to the realisation that this is done for you now, you’ve tried all you could and he sure as h*** went out of his way to prove how little he deserves you. Sometimes justice is something we have to find for ourselves, so even if the complaint should not give you the desired result, keep exploring your options. I know I am.
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