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I feel like my head is a really lonely place to be and I so appreciate the support I’ve got from you lovely ladies on here. Friends and family care about me & are frustrated with the situation as I’ve been separated from my husband for (detail removed by Moderator) years, they don’t understand why or how I can still care about him or have confused feelings after all this time & the things he’s done. I do get that they feel like that & if I was on the outside looking in I’d probably feel the same. But when you’re in it & emotionally invested it’s not that easy, we’d been together (detail removed by Moderator) years before his affair. I just feel sick about it all & struggle to see my husband & abuse in the same sentence. I often feel like it’s not been bad enough to be abuse but then I know that things like threats of suicide, using guilt trips, lies & emotional coercion are abuse. I’ve often thought he shares some traits of covert n**********c personality & borderline personality disorder. I’ve spent so much time & still do trying to make sense of & understand his behaviour in terms of mental health and look for reasons or explanations that might give me answers. It’s like my brain won’t accept things or I’m in denial? I guess I’m not alone in that but I feel so conflicted about him even after all this time. In some ways my life has moved on & I have my own home but in other ways I’m still very stuck. Can anyone relate or offer some advice? Thank you ❤️
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Hi Sparkle wand,
Thank you for your post, I’m sure some of our forum users will relate to how you’re feeling, it’s not always easy to reply and some days are quieter than others on here.
The way you’re feeling is a natural response to the trauma of an abusive relationship. Healing is an ongoing process that takes time, with many ups and downs.
I thought I would add our stance on mental health in relation to domestic abuse in case it could be helpful for you. Women’s Aid believes that domestic abuse is a gendered crime and is about power and control. It’s understandable to try to work out why on earth someone who is meant to love you would do such horrific things to you, so survivors may look for ‘reasons’ and believe that abuse is caused by their partner’s mental health condition (for example, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, n**********c personality, borderline personality or antisocial personality). While these are serious mental health conditions, they do not cause abuse.
If the abuse were caused by mental illness, a perpetrator would also be abusive to family, friends and co-workers. Abuse and mental illness can happen at the same time. There are people who have a mental illness and are also abusive to their partners. There are also people who have a mental illness and are healthy and supportive partners.
By linking domestic abuse to the above mental health conditions it somewhat medicalises it, causes confusion and takes some of the responsibility away from the perpetrator. We believe that perpetrators are fully responsible for their abusive behaviour. Abuse is a choice someone makes in order to maintain power and control over a partner.
Of course acknowledging this is extremely painful which is why it’s slightly less painful to look for a cause. You mention not being able to accept things and being in denial, and this is often our brain’s way of protecting oneself, until we’re able to cope with it.Trust yourself and your instincts, and keep getting as much support as you can.
Kind Regards,
Lisa
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Thank you so much for your response Lisa, it feels like such a difficult place to be at the minute. I don’t know why I find it so hard to accept that his behaviour is abusive. I wish I could just accept it & feel angry rather than feeling so sad & let down. I feel like a failure that my marriage has ended up like this.
I know I do look for reasons as to explain what’s happened as I think there must be an ‘explanation’ as to why my husband did what he did. I have spent so much time looking for answers. I think that sometimes emotional manipulation is much harder to try & get your head round and see as abuse. I think it can be so subtle at times, you just can’t quite put your finger on it. I know he was difficult to be with at times & I often felt anxious but couldn’t work out why. I think over the course of our marriage & relationship there was lots of behaviour that I minimised or excused due to his mental health or stress levels 😢 I just wanted to fix him. I know I’m a rescuer & I’m aware that’s something a lot of us are.
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I wont use the word abuse i cant.
I dont wanna see it believe it or use it. I dont feel like my situation is in any way bad enough to be called abuse.
Im still here frozen unable to move but i know that I am unhappy scared nervous and its making me sick. So yep i can relate to that. But having said all that one thing i am sure of is tbere is no excuse whether it be a mental health issue depression or whatever there is no excuse at all to hurt anotber person to trest them so badly that they have nothing left. Physical emotional sexual financial control coerction whatever you suffer at the hands of another there is no excuse for it sweetie. Have you had therapy maybe talking to someone will help you understand and release your feelings? You still care because you are a kind and decent person who loved someone and its going to take alot of time and self love to heal that.
Take it easy on yourself allow yourself to heal xx-
nbumblebee thanks for your response, I think I’ve always just excused his behaviour over the years by saying it’s his mental health. I have had lots of therapy over the last few years but like you I struggle to see it as abuse & often think it’s not ‘bad enough’ or he ‘can’t help it’. I think it’s been more confusing as he could also be loving, kind, funny & caring but he was also very moody & selfish too. We were together for such a long time I think I got used to some of his behaviours and it wasn’t until he had an affair that it all really escalated & the emotional coercion started. I think for me I often think my husband wouldn’t behave like this so there must be another explanation?! It just doesn’t make sense to me at all. Even though we’ve been living apart for several years now it still feels really difficult & very painful. I wish I could just accept reality 😫 rather than keep looking for explanations & answers 😢
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nbumblebee thank you for your response. It gives me some comfort knowing I’m not alone in this & other people can relate too. I think I’ve always just excused his behaviour over the years by saying it’s his mental health. I have had lots of therapy over the last few years but like you I struggle to see it as abuse & often think it’s not ‘bad enough’ or he ‘can’t help it’. I think it’s been more confusing as he could also be loving, kind, funny & caring but he was also very moody & selfish too. We were together for such a long time I think I got used to some of his behaviours and it wasn’t until he had an affair that it all really escalated & the emotional coercion started. I think for me I often think my husband wouldn’t behave like this so there must be another explanation?! It just doesn’t make sense to me at all. Even though we’ve been living apart for several years now it still feels really difficult & very painful. I wish I could just accept reality 😫 rather than keep looking for explanations & answers 😢
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Yeah i totally understand I cant accept it either.
I have no advice im still here. But i think its natural to still doubt to still wonder what if thats a normal responce i think.
Its good that you have had therapy talking it through will I hope one day help you move on.
I think that now you are free you need to just look after you do all those things you love or have always wanted to do but couldnt as he was there, im sure your list is as big as mine, go do em sweetie go achieve go be you. Xxxx -
nbumblebee Thankyou again. My therapy is helpful but it’s a slow process and we were together for such a long time. I’m physically out but not psychologically. I’m finding that really hard & because (detail removed by Moderator) I try to understand and make sense of the behaviour which I think keeps me stuck too. I think because of my professional background I feel like I ‘should’ be able to sort this out or see it for what it is. I know realistically that this is helpful or true and I am just a human being. I guess being in it you can’t see the wood for the trees, being on the outside with no emotional attachment makes things much more black and white. As you say all we can do is look after ourselves & be gentle with ourselves ❤️
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I’m sorry that you are still trying to figure out and understand what happened.
I recommend a book called ‘why does he do that’by Lundy Bancroft it breaks down the mentality of abusive men.
I found myself in a real spin yesterday as someone who was meant to be supportive made me feel like I was a crazy person, I picked the book up and some passages were almost word for word my relationship, it also describes types of different abusers and through reading that I felt really calm, because I thought to myself, it’s not me, I’m not going crazy, this really is abuse.
I originally downloaded the book to believe it or not try to understand him. But I have come away (the last few days at least) knowing I am right, knowing it is abuse. I know abusers choose to abuse. That has given me some inner peace for now.
I hope you find it helpful, I know some have managed to find it online for free.-
Terribleheadspace thankyou for your reply, I’ve heard of the book & author I just don’t know whether what I’ve experienced is serious enough & whether the book would make me doubt my experiences. A lot of it was very subtle emotional manipulation & I think I just got used to it & it became normalised. As I said previously I used to use his mental health as an explanation for his behaviour. It was not helped by him saying he couldn’t help how he behaved as he was so distressed even though he knew it wasn’t right. That used to make me feel sorry for him 😥
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one quote:
‘THE MENTALLY ILL OR ADDICTED ABUSER
This last category is not actually separate from the others;
an abusive man of any of the aforementioned styles can
also have psychiatric or substance-abuse problems,
although the majority do not. Even when mental illness or
addiction is a factor, it is not the cause of a man’s abuse of
his partner’
The book also mentions things like, if someone can be nice to others and respectful outside of the relationship, or when you are in public, it means they are not incapable of treating you respectfully, they choose not to.
Or an example of violence…. a victim of abuse was upset, she said that she has a way of upsetting her partner, he says he loses control and breaks things… the author asked her… what does he break? Turns out it was always the victims things, never his… just an example of how actually that man didn’t lose control of himself as he never managed to break any of his own possessions…. stuff like that- she acknowledges though every situation is different, her book is not one size fits all, you just take whatever resonates with you.
Anyway will leave it there, if it helps great.
The main thing though I’ve learnt is to trust your gut, if something didnt feel right it very likely wasnt.
I hope you get some clarity and calm -
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Fingers crossed for you.
I also just wanted to say, it is OK to have feelings towards him and to grieve that loss. Think it’s so hard to understand the complexities of those feelings unless you have lived it. Think that’s why forums like this are so good. Actually through my experience now I learned that a close friend suffered long term emotional abuse, I feel awful I couldn’t see it or understand her feelings. I hope one day I can help women like my friend and like us to recognise abuse and support them in some way.
Anyway have a lovely night -
Terribleheadspace thankyou,it’s so good to talk to people that can relate & as you say it’s hard if people haven’t been through it. People just seen it as very black and white & can’t understand why I still care for him or feel stuck in this situation after all this time.it feels like emotional abuse is so hard to identify & see.
The feelings I have for him are such a confusing mixture & add to the stuckness I feel, I guess that’s the nature of long term relationships & how complicated they can be. Although I only joined the forum last week talking to you ladies on here is starting to help me see things a bit more clearly. It’s baby steps I know. Hope you’re having a nice night too ❤️
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Abuse is supposed to confuse .if your confused it’s abuse.i always wonder if what I’m experiencing is real and is he really like that ?and yes he is .i write notes and go back to them just to confirm what I sent through is some kind of abuse.i even now tell friends and ask for confirmation.am I right to be upset ?is that controlling ?he is isn’t he?it confuses you a lot because you don’t expect someone you love to hurt you especially if you have kids together.
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Hi Mellow, it is really confusing especially with emotional abuse/manipulation. It doesn’t seem to be as clear to label as other forms of abuse. As I said before, it sometimes doesn’t feel ‘bad enough’ to be classed as abuse. I think that feeling of it not being ‘bad enough’ is sometimes exacerbated when I google abuse because a lot of the times what you read is very severe.
I had therapy (removed by moderator) and I was talking about this during my session.We discussed how abuse occurs on a spectrum & the importance of recognising this and not comparing my own experiences to others. I have also stated reading the Lundy Bancroft book. I’m hoping that will help. It’s baby steps & I know that because we were together for such a long time his moodiness and certain behaviours were just normal to me. I often felt like I was walking on egg shells or felt on edge but nothing actually happened. We talked about this (removed by moderator) and the fact that I felt ok if he was ok. He was the barometer in the relationship & I was hypersensitive to his mood. I know I often excused his behaviours due to his depression or stress. That all adds to the confusion of everything 😥
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