My mother's driving me nuts!

[Relieved]

I’m struggling with my relationship with my mother. I have found her very unsupportive. When I told her about the psychological and emotional abuse, she poo pooed it saying things like “don’t be so sensitive, all men are like that, your father was like that, wives should do as they’re told, wives should please their husbands!” or saying I must have done something to make him treat me like that! As I write this I’m starting to think she sounds just like him!

I have been trying to re-educate her and I thought I was getting somewhere until this morning. I’d given her an article to read about coercive control, gaslighting etc and asked her if she had read it and she said “Oh it was just about doing as you are told by your husband!” I reacted very badly and felt very angry and she was very dismissive that I was upset. I’m middle aged and it took me right back to my teen years – I have not had an outburst like that for years.

Then I started to think about my childhood – to an outsider it was a wonderful and some would say privileged upbringing but in my teens I was deemed by my mother to be out of control so was packed off to boarding school – I think now I was reacting to her being dismissive of my feelings, wanting to do her hobby but I and my brothers were a nuisance as we got in the way(we all went away to school). She told me that my father had told her I needed her to be around more and that she should spend less time on her hobby. When I was at home, I spent a lot of time with my dad, helping him in the family business – I was rewarded with lots of praise for working hard – but I think my mother was jealous of the time I spent with him. When my father died, I took on the family business in partnership with my mother so I am stuck with her! She is very critical of me, I work too hard, I make work for myself, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I’m too sensitive, I’m too soft on my kids, I should look after myself better etc etc. She said she couldn’t take sides when I told her I was divorcing my ex.

I feel so torn, I think I’m always trying to win her affection but then she upsets me with a seemingly minor jibe. How do I deal with this along with trying to get over the abuse?

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Relieved,

I can relate to what you are saying about your mother, mine has a similar reaction if I ever talk about things men have done that bother me. She usually just sort of shrugs and rolls her eyes and says things like “well that’s just what men are like.”

This also gives me that helpless powerless panicky feeling because in my case it’s like she is saying that as women we just have to accept sexual abuse, boundary violation, unfaithfulness and sleaze as ‘that’s just the way it is.’ For me I’ve realised that my parents are part of the reason why I’ve dated abusive men, because they didn’t bring me up with healthy attitudes about love and relationships and sex nor with healthy boundaries.

I too have often reacted badly and feel like an overgrown teenager, it’s a nightmare! What is helping me is going very low contact, we barely talk now and I feel more at peace. It’s tricky if you work together. Can you just keep things mostly professional? It looks like she’s shown she’s incapable of being supportive on a personal level.

A good analogy is ‘don’t go to a Chinese restaurant for Indian food.’ Ie. she might be a great co-business owner and worker but is unable to provide emotional support so you’ll just get frustrated if you keep looking for it from her. Best to focus on those who understand like in forums, support groups, certain friends and therapists.

[Relieved]

Thanks SunshineRainflower, I appreciate your support. Thank God I found this forum, only been on it a couple of weeks but I don’t think I could manage without support from you lot now! I’ve tried to talk to a couple of friends but they don’t get it(why did I put up with it is what they both said).

It’s hard working with my mother as she goes from saying “you don’t have to tell me what to do, I know what I’m doing” to “why aren’t you telling me what you want me to do, I can’t guess!” so I feel the familiar bristles going up on a daily basis. I will try to distance myself from her emotionally but it’s hard as she can be so insensitive but is always asking about personal stuff. I like the analogy of the restaurant food, will try to remember that.

There is a support group I can attend on next week so will try to go to that.

[Serenity]

Hi Relieved,

I have a similarly strained relationship at times with my mum.

Sometimes she can be fine: other times she can be very intolerant emotionally and you can tell that she feels out of sorts if she’s not centre of attention. She seems to have a hard time realising that other people have busy lives but, not just this, that they are entitled to build lives of their own.

She has a low tolerance for others’ emotions, but is very demanding emotionally herself. She will sometimes create a drama just to get attention. Sometimes, I feel like telling her to grow up.

My older sister was sent to boarding school for being ‘rebellious’ but, looking back, she wasn’t really wild at all. I just wonder how much my mum could tolerate her personality. My sister still claims to have issues around being sent away. Especially due to how it was done ( they told her they were just taking her to look at the school, but left her there).

I think that’s a great way of looking at it, Sunshine: don’t go to a Chinese for Indian food. Trouble is, my mum is always fishing for information about my life, and accuses me of being secretive if I am private or keep things from her. Apparently, I am ‘like my father’ if I do this. She seems intent on knowing everything and then making me think like her. The truth is, we are very different.

I have found great release in telling her in the last year or two that her and I are very different people. She might want a little apprentice, but I am my own person, and hold quite different opinions and have some very different values. Sometimes, she reminds me of my ex. I think I went for my ex because he was what I was used to in my family: forceful, confident and dominant.

Give me a humble, sensitive and emotionally mature, courageous man any day. One that doesn’t think the world revolves around him.

[Relieved]

Thanks Serenity, that’s interesting about your sister being sent to boarding school – I was taken there then my parents said they’d wait while I was shown to my dormitory but they’d gone before I got back. Afraid I would cause a scene by being emotional saying goodbye! I have only recently made the connection between my upbringing and why I fell for my ex – I was constantly pushed away by my mother, I was sent on foreign exchanges during the summer holidays (detail removed by Moderator) running. I started smoking and drinking at school and started being sexually promiscuous too. I think my self worth was rock bottom. I worked overseas for (detail removed by Moderator) when I left school and then went to college. When I came home to work in the family business, my mother said she couldn’t cope with me living in her house again so made me go and live on my own in my grandmother’s house(she was in a care home at the time). I met my ex during this period – no wonder I was blown away by his attention, I felt special and valued at last.

The thing with my mother now is she’s so changeable, one minute she’s all concerned saying she’s worried about me then the next she’s criticising me, belittling me, telling me off and then she can change again saying how wonderful she thinks I am. I’m starting to think the praise is purely to keep me working hard in the family business. I wish I could get out but I’ve got far too much invested in it which I would never get back!

[SunshineRainflower]

No problem Relieved. My mother has been awful to me today violating my boundaries again so I have also just created a topic on it. Unfortunately I live with my parents and feel completely trapped by them, am desperate to escape but I am still looking for work.

I hope your situation improves once you go low contact. I feel much more at peace the less contact I have with my mother (and father).

[Author]

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