My next move

[nbumblebee]

Firstly im so sorry im here yet again all i seem to do is post on here but i have a question and i really have nobody else to ask.
Ive had some bad weeks as you know hes really been nasty and im fighting myself with all this is it abuse still. (Detail removed by moderator) he wanted sex i said no he stormed off i was determined not to back down. After a while he came back and said(detail removed by moderator). He accuses me of this all the time but (detail removed by moderator) he seemed genuinly upset.
I couldve used this to tell him im not sure if i do love him that his behaviour seems wrong at times almost abusive i couldve told him how bad he makes me feel but No not me I was my usual chicken self and told him (detail removed by moderator). What a wimp!!! Im really angry with myself today. We are off on holiday(detail removed by moderator)i see it as an opportunity to forget and see him again for the man he once was i think and hopefully he will see me and love me again.
Yes i just said that and yes I know Im most likely kidding myself here but I need to give it a go for me my sanity.
For those who dont know my story He has never hit me but has thretened to i am not allowed to work no friends, he makes me feel like poop all the time shouting picking fault and always tries to stop me from doing anything i enjoy. Im scared of him and i sometimes see such hate in his eyes i do believe one day he may snap.
So my question is honestly what would you have done in my situation? Would you have confronted him? Would you have told him you were struggling?
Hiw could I have handled this better? If it happens again how should I respond?
Many Thanks again and im so sorry I promise to try not to post so much. xxxx

[Bananaboat]

Don’t beat yourself up! I probably would’ve done the same as you because that’s how the abuse has damaged our confidence, plus you probably knew option A would lead to more arguing and nastier behaviour. Don’t see last night as a missed chance, you did what felt right for you, and remember the nice side is part of the act, the right time will come.

[nbumblebee]

Thanks you so much x

[Secretlife]

They are never genuinely upset, it’s all an act to make you feel sorry for him so that he gets what he wants from you. I have been in a similar situation and I did explain, very gently, that I was struggling with my feelings as I didn’t understand why he is so unpleasant to me at times. But, to be honest, what I said made no difference whatsoever. Our abusers have no empathy and they’re not the least bit interested in our feelings. So, you probably did the right thing, particularly bearing in mind that you are going on holiday and you need to try and have a nice time,and I really hope you do. Sending love and a hug xx

[nbumblebee]

As always you are a fantastic support Thank you so very much. Stay safe x*x

[Hawthorn]

Nbumblebee you did exactly the right thing in not confronting him. Abuse makes us tell too much. Abusers brainwash us into believing we should no secrets from them, no thoughts that they don’t know about. When someone knows your thoughts they can control your actions, and the power of control is what he wants. Confronting him is both pointless and potentially dangerous. Not telling him your thoughts was the brave choice.

You can see his rage, the hatred in his eyes. Are you to believe he doesn’t see your pain? He sees it, he just doesn’t care. Abusers have no empathy and only care about having their own needs met.

DoWhatever you do he will find a reason to berate you, Abusers continually move the goalposts. He doesn’t want you to make him happy, he wants to control you. Anything you tell him he will use to manipulate you so keep your thoughts to yourself. Your silence is your power. Be very kind to yourself and keep reaching out here and in any other safe spaces you may have, living in abuse saps all our strength and you need and deserve support. Take care, sending hugs xx

[nbumblebee]

I felt so angry with myself for not being able to stand up to him and tell him how i really feel i feel so full of guilt like i am lying all the time and i am but I only lie about going out because if he knew he wouldnt allow it and would be so nasty if i told him i was going or doing things anyway. Guilt is such a huge factor isnt it? Thank you for helping me see that maybe I did the right thing and that I shouldnt beat myself up i dont trust myself to know whats right or wrong at the moment. Thank you x

[Hawthorn]

My heart really goes out to you. Please don’t be angry at yourself, he is the one who deserves your anger, but when we live in abuse we learn to swallow our anger because of the danger of expressing it, and so it gets turned in on ourselves. Anger is a very powerful emotion, and not necessarily a negative one as there is lots of energy in it, but holding that energy is exhausting. Try to let it flow through you- s scream into a pillow, dig in the garden, pummel the couch cushions into shape, whatever helps you release it.

The guilt is terrible, but continue to remind yourself that it is not your guilt you are carrying, but his, and you can notice it, acknowledge its there, then try to set it aside. Lying to the man who would keep you prisoner in what should be your home is no lie at all. In a healthy relationship you would never need to do this, because coming and going as you please is an adult’s basic human right, not a privilege. Try not to feel guilty for the freedom you have carved out for yourself, treasure it and recognise it as something you have a right to.

Take the very best care, things must be so tough for you but you are bearing up like a hero. You are not what he says you are x*x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much for your supportive words. Actually made me feel that yes i do only lie because of his actions makes me less of a liar less to blame. Thank you so much for that. Take care of you xxxxx

[Eggshells]

This was just one of many tricks my ex used to try to get me to have sex against my will. He only tried it once because it didn’t get him what he wanted.

I simply told him that (detail removed by moderator).

[nbumblebee]

@eggshells i did not give in however I know tinight he will most certainly be expecting it and I am fast running out of excuses I will have to back down or (detail removed by moderator) will be hell for everyone and i have enough guilt on my mind I ant deal with that too. Xx

[Eggshells]

Yes, that sounds familiar, coming back night after night after night afyer night until you give in.

I’m so sorry for you my lovely. I know how exhausting it is and possibly demeaning too.

My heart goes out to you.

[nbumblebee]

Thanks xx

[ISOPeace]

Honestly, it took me a long time to realise that the only ‘right’ thing to do is the best thing you can do in that moment for your own wellbeing. That might vary depending on how you’re feeling. One day you might feel like you are not prepared to back down, one day your might feel like you don’t have it in you to not give in. Whatever you do is ok and you can only do your best in that moment.

The reality is that whatever you do will not change his behaviour and reduce the abuse. If he wants to be abusive he’ll find an excuse. We hear all these messages about strong people standing up for themselves, but the rules are always different when there’s abuse. In ‘normal’ situations, standing up for yourself will hopefully gain the other person’s respect and when they see you’re not a pushover, they don’t try to walk all over you. But an abuser has no respect for their partner and is not open to ever having respect for them. They are deliberately trying to crush you into submission.

There may be situations like Eggshells describes of not backing down making him not do something again. But there is also the risk that he will punish you in other ways. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s not a simple case of finding the strength to say no and everything will be ok. So don’t beat yourself up about what you do. He is deliberately giving you no reasonable options. xxxx

[nbumblebee]

I needed to hear this thanks xx

[nbumblebee]

Sorry @isopeace can I reply again. Ive re read this and wanted to say something. I confided in one person which is how i started this journey hes a good person but he tells me that I should sort it. That i need to decide how i want to live
Hes good to talk too but just doesnt understand he thinks its easy to just either stand and fight or up and leave. I cant seem to get him to understand it isnt as easy as that. What you said about standing up to my husband is right i dont believe it will work I think like you say he will find something else to pick on. Just hard all this isnt it. Thank you as always for your understanding and wise words x

[Eggshells]

I agree. You have to just do what gets you through today.

I love your posts @ISOPeace, you always seem to have such clarity and balance. xx

[Tryingtofindhope]

Oh nbumblebee, your life sounds so similar to mine that when I read your posts I literally feel like I’m reading about my life and I hurt for you. Stay safe on holiday and I really hope you manage to have a bit of respite. Take care lovely xx

[nbumblebee]

I know i feel tbe same when i read yours. Its not been a bad week but not great either. I will be glad to come home to be honest. You take care of you sending hugs xxxxx

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