My own fault?

[Blondexxxx]

Hi everyone hope your all ok

So I posted on this form a while ago maybe nearly (detail removed by moderator) ago, I was living with my partner in a house he owned with our children. He would fall out with me constantly always making me feel worthless
Wouldn’t speak to me for days
He was bad at taking drugs smoking weed gambling and drinking
Blamed his behaviour on me saying it was my fault he did all these things as he was unhappy with me.

In the end he made us leave the house was sold so we had no where to go, I had (detail removed by moderator) children and no job, I literally felt so lost.
Until my family and friends helped me find somewhere to live, I ended up going back to work full time, managed to rebuild a home and make it look nice with new furniture all by myself, things he could never take away from me anymore
It was all mine, I was going to work full time I felt stronger I wasn’t crying in bed thinking my life was over and that horrible feeling that you just want it to be night time again so you can just go to sleep.
Sleeping with a broken heart is soul destroying.

Within about (detail removed by moderator) of leaving I got a text message out of the blue asking if we could skews, he was sorry, he wanted to tell me (detail removed by moderator) and he didn’t mean the things he said to me

From then I felt even more happier, I had finally for an apology, it was him trying to make amends rather than me begging him to stop ignoring me in the house or askinf what Iv done so wrong for him to treat me the way he did

We started going on walks and he told me he wasn’t drinking, lost weight and was spending his days (detail removed by moderator)

He even took me for a walk with a (detail removed by moderator) it was like we had just met again
I started to love him all over again and I realised I missed him being there and maybe I
So he started moving in with me, things were on my terms this time as it was my home so he couldn’t keep throwing me and the kids out

I was working full time and now he wasn’t working at all, totally reverse rolls.

I loved having him there when I came home and it was nice we had our family back together

But then the drinking started again, which led to the drugs, then the gambling
He was smoking weed and justifying that it was better as it made him relaxed, but then when he was drinking (a bottle of (detail removed by moderator) in one night) he would mix the cocaine and the weed

Then it started again, the paranoia
Constantly accusing me of cheating, saying I wasn’t at work he was driving past at lunch and couldn’t see my car, so then I put my location on so he could see where I was 24/7
Bars in mind we are on lock down so all I did was go to work at (detail removed by moderator)
He could see my every move, this wasn’t good enough, he started like he did before
Accusing me of seeing someone else
Iv cried iv screamed at him I’m not doing any of this, he would ignore me for days in the house, I was going to work crying again, feeling how I did before, why is he making things up in his head? Is he doing it himself

He’s gained weight he wasn’t working and he was drinking and taking drugs all the time
Maybe he was just insecure and the drugs made him paranoid

I couldn’t even go to (detail removed by moderator) without being accused last week of having an affair

Then he actually started naming someone and saying it was him, someone half my age but apprently I’m past it because I’m (detail removed by moderator)
So he knows this guy would be fun to me!
I have never once text or cheated behind his back
He has cheated on me a few times and text a lot of other women
Always justifying it that because we wasn’t getting on but only because of him!

I was coming home from work and felt like a a nag, he wouldn’t of got out of bed until like (detail removed by moderator), so our son would be led in bed as well and then the other upset (detail removed by moderator) that everyone was asleep

Dishes be pilled up, house a mess, I was awake every night (detail removed by moderator) tidying up before having to get to bed then get up again (detail removed by moderator) while he would be in bed again

Then he started to make an effort and even made tea or cleaned up, so then I do feel bad about certain things I nagged at him for

Maybe he thinks I didn’t appreciate things he did 🙁

But then he would drink nearly (detail removed by moderator), smoke weed play on his play station and act like I didn’t exist then call me names abs a cheat

Waking me up at (detail removed by moderator) sayinf im cheating

Then he started (detail removed by moderator) take money for gambling sites
He did pay me back but it just felt like I was being used for somewhere tk live so he cooks so all these things rather than when he was back living with his mum

(detail removed by moderator)

Yet it wasn’t my fault he gambles all the money he had 🙁

He wasn’t paying me anything towards bills
Yet was living in the house 24 hours a day

I felt like all I was doing was going to work, coming home to be accused, all my money going on the bills and then he still put me down calling me names like a (detail removed by moderator)

This weekend was awful, I took the day off as we had (detail removed by moderator) coming. He wasn’t speaking to me since (detail removed by moderator) as he kept sayinf I was having an affair,
I asked him why he didn’t just leave them abs go back to his mums and he said the only reason he was here was because of the kids

I felt sick

I caught him following naked girls on Instagram and he didn’t even deny it he said he could do what he wanted because I was a ‘sla***g’ and a (detail removed by moderator)

He then locked himself in the bathroom with my phone because he found out I recorded him one night calling me lots of names
But then tried (detail removed by moderator)
I was crying and trying to get in but he locked the door

I ended up getting it out of the bathroom abs dried it out

Then he came in the (detail removed by moderator) threw me across the floor about (detail removed by moderator)!

He then started packing his stuff because I told him to leave

It was like I played into his hands, he started trying to (detail removed by moderator)
Kids were crying

It was awful he kept saying you can go text your boyfriend now
I was crying my eyes out I haven’t met anyone else I’m not even allowed to go out without being accused so why was he making things up

He told me it was over he would never speak to me again

Basically took his things and (detail removed by moderator) etc and left
Our little boy was heartbroken he didn’t understand why daddy (detail removed by moderator) or even just left
He then blocked me on everything as well

I just feel how I did before, I feel sick, I have the worse anxiety, my house is upside down
All iv wanted to do is sleep
I feel like I don’t even want to go to work tomorrow I can’t even get out of bed

Why did I let him back 🙁
Worse thing is I love him, I was with him for nearly (detail removed by moderator)

It’s like no one else compares to the feelings I have for him when he is horrible to me it takes all my energy but then when he is back in my life Even though he treats me the way he does I feel whole again 🙁

Why can’t he just be a family and stop thinking the things he does

I don’t know what to do as I know that it’s over
He isn’t someone to beg or say he’s sorry I was shocked before

I have my own house now but now because he moved in then I’m missing him being here like I did in the old house we had together 🙁

Just don’t know what to do for the best it’s making me feel mentally ill and drained

All my friends say I’m not myself when I’m with him like I don’t dare go out to the shop or to an appointment as he will think I’m cheating

Just wish could feel stronger again but right now all I want to do is cry 🙁

[KIP.]

I think you are trauma bonded to this man. It’s a bond more powerful than love. To break it you need to go absolutely zero contact. I’d report his assault to the police. How dare he. It’s child abuse too. You know you will be fine on your own. You’ve managed before and we’re so far along the recovery journey. Change the locks and move his stuff out before he comes back. This is how the cycle of abuse works. It can be months before the love bombing starts again, then the mask slips and the real man he is shows himself. Children from abusive homes are more likely to be abused in adulthood so you owe it to them to protect them from this. Loving him won’t stop him abusing you. You can love him from a distance if it makes you feel better but he’s proved just how little he cares for you. He won’t ever change. Once an abuser always an abuser. Just take baby steps. One day at a time. Do you have support from women’s aid? If not please get in touch with your local branch. Block him on your phone and call the police if he turns up again. It’s your home, he has no right to be there so get rid of his belongings so he can’t use that excuse.

[Blondexxxx]

Do women’s aid help you to talk or is it juat if your going to be made homeless?

I know he took most of his things and luckily he doesn’t have a key to my house but he left some clothes that cost money so I know il probably get a text off him or his mum sayinf can I please leave them outside

Iv already put them all in a bin bag I want to just throw them out but isn’t it sad I don’t even have the guts to do that 🙁

What your saying is true in every way, I feel iv been through so much with him it’s normal for me to think this is normal, all I kept saying yesterday was I feel really bad that he did try and clean up when I got home or made my tea
My friends were like but that’s normal he should be doing that if your at work all day and he isn’t
Don’t keep thinking of the good things

I’m just so drained at why he thinks I’m having an affair when I don’t even go anywhere but to work
I am not allowed social media and came off everything because of anyone liked my stuff I would get so much abuse about it

We split up before as he accused me of seeing (detail removed by moderator)
Even he has laughed it off and cut contact with him as (detail removed by moderator) find it hilarious when I told them but obviously for me it’s not as he seriously got it in his head then split up with me it was all in his paranoid mind

This is why I don’t know what he needs, is it just his insecurity or does he need help with the drug use

I just give up trying to prove myself I feel so unwell today I don’t even want to go into work tomorrow 🙁 x

[KIP.]

I think they simply make up stuff to abuse us over. I don’t think he really thought you were having an affair. It’s really common for abusers to accuse us of the things they’re actually doing to us. No experience is wasted if we learn from it. It’s been a harsh lesson but you now know that he causes nothing but harm to you. What he needs is a victim to abuse. Abusing you makes him feel good about himself. He hooked you in with his lies just so he could continue to suck the life from you like the emotional vampire he is. Yes it’s totally exhausting dealing the abuse. Talk to women’s aid. They can support you in so many ways. Emotionally, getting and keeping you safe. Talking to the police on your behalf etc

[Hawthorn]

Womens Aid will talk to you and give you support and clarity about your situation. Please do phone them, you need and deserve and support. Try reading some of the other posts here on the forum too, I think you will see lots of similarities with your own situation. Abuse feels so very personal, but it’s not. He would treat any partner like he is treating you. Its him, not you. The drugs have nothing to do with it, or his accusations of cheating or his insecurities. If he wasnt doing that he would be doing something else to throw you off balance and make you feel that you are at fault and need to keep explaining yourself. It’s a manipulation tactic to keep the focus off his dreadful behaviour. Abusers keep moving the goalposts. He behaves this way because he can, it makes him feel powerful. For him to feel secure you must feel insecure. You cant fix him, he was broken long before you ever met him.

Knowledge is power. Google the power and control wheel, the cycle of abuse and trauma bonding. If you’re up for reading a book Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft is available for free online. It’s a game-changer in understanding abuse.

Take care and keep reaching out xx

[Blondexxxx]

Thanks everyone, I will read the other posts, I know I keep thinking to myself why did he stay in the house with me when he could go live back with his mum if he thought I was cheating and his exacta words where
I’m only here so I can see my son, I’m using you
😭😭😭

Juat led here crying I haven’t moved all day, my friend brought me so flowers as I kept crying down the phone xx

He won’t be feeling sad he will be all happy he’s got no responsibility at all x*x

[Author]

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