My partner can be really nice to me is this abuse?

[Polarbear123]

Hi,

I have been in this relationship for the past (detail removed by Moderator) years. I have asked myself this question over and over again is this abuse? My partner shouts at me at least 3 times a week, over silly things for example washing his clothes when he needs them or not putting them away. Or forgetting the milk. He usually swears at me and I am a very sensitive person so I always have thought it’s just me I’m so sensitive. But then he shouts at me (never apologises) but then a few hours later he will be really nice to me. And it’s so confusing!

I have a child and a baby on the way and I’m going to have (detail removed by Moderator) so I want to give them the best life I can for them and since my child was born I’ve started to notice that maybe this isn’t me and maybe it’s my partner.

[Snowdrop22]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>There is no objective measure for what counts as abuse. What really helped for me was realising that the label itself doesn’t matter. The fact you are asking this question is your answer. Even if I told you that your partner was entitled to shout and swear at you (which, for the record, he absolutely isn’t), that wouldn’t change the fact that he makes you feel bad. A healthy relationship should make you feel good and regulate you, not cause you anxiety and self-doubt. Whether or not you want to call it “abuse” ultimately doesn’t matter. This is not a good situation for you or your children, you know that, that’s why you’re here. The real question is what are you going to do with that information? You get to choose your life – not him, not me, not anyone. You.</p>

[Polarbear123]

Thank you, that completely sums it up. For so long I have normalised his behaviour, and blamed myself. I’ve been wanting to leave for a few months now but yet have so much guilt and shame.

[StrongLife]

I understand this.
ex would tell and scream then be loving the next day. Then jealousy the next day. It was roller coaster.

now I realise how quiet things are when I left. So quiet- there is silence mostly now with no screaming or yelling.

[Bananaboat]

If you feel uncomfortable and like you’re walking on eggshells worrying about his reaction then yes. He’s an adult, why is all this stuff only your responsibility? We are often too empathetic and helpful which they use to get what they want when actually an adult relationship should be equal. Lundy Bancroft’s book (which you can buy or find free copies online) helps a lot to understand certain behaviours, it’s called ‘why does he do that’. Really helped me.

[Polarbear123]

That’s exactly how I feel! Thank you, I will also have a look into the book.

[Author]

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