My plan

[nbumblebee]

Im writing this as he is upstairs (detail removed by moderator) Guilt is the one thing about all this i find the hardest to cope with, guilt about talking on here, talking to a counsellor lying to him about where I am what I do how I feel just so so much guilt that eats away at me every day BUT ive been reading why does he do that, ive been chatting to some of you ladies, one of you in particular gave me this idea and i cant thank you enough and now im making my own plan.
I am not going to give myself a goal, I am not going to think about leaving him I cant think about that at all, I am making a survival plan for me. 1. Get a job, whatever he says or how much he moans im going to get a job for me.
2. Im going to go out see my friends well i may have to make some first as hes seen to that but Im certainly going to try I am lonley really really lonley this needs to change.
3. Work hard at my counselling sessions so i can find self confidence self worth.
4. Somehow from somewhere learn to stand tall, be stronger and stand up for myself to actually do things without guilt without worrying what hes going to say.
I have no idea how or where to start but actually just making a plan feels like a win feels like theres some hope in me somewhere. Im scared Im sad Im lost but Im also a little stronger I think.
Thank you for helping me ladies. My day 1 starts here and now. Xx

[Anonymous]

Hi This is so positive, congratulations for putting your thoughts together so clearly when you are living in such stressful circumstances. This is the first step to building the life that you want and deserve x

[nbumblebee]

Thanks am not sure if i actually feel positive but i know i cant go on like this and only i can change things so im gonna at least give it a try. My hope is still that he will accept the changes with love but ha i know thats very doubtful but one small step at a time.

[Secretlife]

Hi nbumblebee

I’m so pleased you found the book so informative, and it certainly has given you some inner strength, as it did with me. I’m pleased you’ve been able to make a plan, I have a plan and it is certainly something to focus on. I’m sure if you get a job you will meet new people and make some friends, everything will start to fall into place. Go girl, and never feel guilty, you deserve to be happy. Do whatever you can to find happiness, and always remember what a beautiful person you are. Sending love and strength x*x

[nbumblebee]

@secretlife thank you so much. Baby steps right x

[gettingtired]

I’m really happy for you that you’ve made this plan to build yourself up.
I’ve managed to get a few things sorted recently regarding leaving and it’s amazing how much better I feel for it. I hope you feel the same with these goals you’re setting yourself.
Keep taking those baby steps and focusing on yourself. I know it’s really difficult to do whilst living in the abuse but you’re strong and we all believe in you and are here for you whenever you need it. You’re right that you’re sounding stronger, you should be very proud of yourself x*x

[nbumblebee]

@gettingtired Im so proud of you too taking steps to leave makung plans is huge and im so glad you have started that. You are stronger than you know. Im not planning to leave my plan is different im not ready to face leaving so im going to try and make things better be stronger more in control of my own life. He will get worse its already happening its like he can see into mybmind but baby steps, keeping strong and doing it anyway is gonna be my aim.
Whatever you do sweetie stay safe and stay strong you got this. Xxxxx

[Wants To Help]

Well done ladies, it’s lovely to read your positivity and that you are actively making plans. These are your steps to self empowerment and spiritual growth… which leads to much greater things.

You have already come a long way on this journey of re-discovery of yourselves. How amazing are we when we put our minds to something? How strong can we become when we reach out for help, share our stories and our experiences?

Together, WE are Women Empowered

[Hebe]

Dearest nbumblebee – I am so proud of you – you’re inspiring, all love and hugs to you and well done! I love the plan and that looks like a huge leap forwards. Give yourself plenty of credit for that. In our terms tiny steps are enormous, like wading through a turbulent river upstream. Here for you, if you need.

Hugs x

[nbumblebee]

@H**e @Wantstohelp @gettingtired @secretlife Ive gotta be honest here ladies after a bad few days that strong feeling isnt so strong today.
Im gonna keep reading my post today and try and pull it together its almost like 2 steps fowards 3 steps back. Its as if he can see into me and just wants yo smack me down b4 i get too strong and i guess it works. Baby steps right i gotta remeber my plan and those baby steps xx

[Tryingtofindhope]

Ive just read your plan. I was here a few months ago and he got to me again. But having said that, just having a plan made me feel stronger. Keep re-reading it and visualise the end result. My dearest friend keeps reminding me of my goal and to picture myself smiling and happy with my 3 kids and dog with that huge bag of rocks no longer tied around me. Its what keeps me going.
Huge hugs to you xx

[nbumblebee]

@tryingtofindhope Thank you I will keep reading it keep reminding myself I can have strong days thank you. Hugs back to you stay safe sweetie x

[ISOPeace]

Hi nbumblebee, it sounds like you feel really knocked back but are doing your best to keep going. It’s brilliant that you have a plan to grow stronger. It’s not an easy journey. As you’ve found, your husband will sense that he’s losing control so will put the pressure on to regain it. It feels like you’re fighting against the tide but you will be makng more progress than you realise. When your mindset has shifted into realising that you need to look after yourself, you have taken a really big step. It’s as though he has trained you to keep your eyes locked on him so that you weren’t even aware of anything else, but now you’ve found the strength to look away. He’s going to try to force you to keep looking at him, but you can’t unsee the other directions. You know they’re there and you know they matter.

Baby steps is definitely the way forward. You might find more subtle ways to look after yourself, that he doesn’t notice. He will still probably have a sense of you getting stronger, but it might feel more manageable. Then take the bigger steps when you feel stronger. The most important thing is to continue to do your best to look after yourself. I know that giving in to him feels like a way to avoid the abuse, but it’s like choosing between a slap in the face and a thimble of poison. It’s tempting to give in to him and avoid the slap in the face, after all the thimble of poison alone won’t hurt that much, but over time the poison builds up into something much more damaging than the slaps. The slaps are a short term cost of looking after yourself, with the benefit of you getting stronger. The poison slowly eats away at you. But of course, each slap carries the risk of him going further and so you do have to choose carefully when to stand up to him. Try to only do it when you think it is safe to do so. You can do this 😊. Sending lots of love xxxx

[nbumblebee]

@isopeace many thanks you always give such amazing heart felt advice thank you.
Its hard today a really bad day I just didnt wanna wake up this morning because its just been so rough this week. Tomorrows a new day right and ive gotta keep chipping away I guess. Hes been nice this afternoon its the constant on edge not knowing what mood they are in which just drives me crazy and makes me wanna scream. I just wanna give up and forget but I know now i see i cant unsee so I guess i gotta find another way I know that. Thank you so much you take care xx

[Hebe]

Dearest nbumblebee, I completely understand the way you are feeling.

Your plan is still there, it exists and that’s the most important thing. You are looking a new horizon. It isn’t a stroll in the park, it’s an epic adventure like those that superheroes take, full of twists and turns. Like crossing the ocean in a rowing boat, there will be times when you just have to put the oars down and rest.

A tsunami doesn’t just happen, it is the end result of many smaller things happening, some undetectable.

I would vouch that although you didn’t want to get up, you did. And I would vouch that you also did all the things that you would normally do. This plan is extra, on top of all the other things you do, so it will drain your energy reserves. So, measure each step, record it so you can see your progress.

My favourite quote is this from Alice in Wonderland:
“There’s no use trying,” she said: “one can’t believe impossible things.” “I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” The fact that you believe things to be impossible, so the argument goes, is that they are indeed possible. Crazy I know, but heartening too. It also is a measure of how difficult those tasks may be. Obstacles, blocks will always pop up, and sometimes it is what is in our mind that is causing the block. My other analogies come from watching sports, sometimes no matter how well the practice or training sessions go, or how fit they are, it’s on the day whether the athlete believes in themselves and also doesn’t run ahead with the final goal missing the match point – to mix up the sports.

I thought of you so much this morning, that I wanted to reach out and to give you such a hug. You will do it, in time, be kind to yourself, you’re in training after an injury 🙂

Hugs x

[nbumblebee]

@hehe wow what a way with words you have i cant thank you enough. Im so low and alone these last few days just ready to give up I just cant see a way out a way to start my plan oh yeah its all great saying it but actually starting to put it in place seems too scarey too hard too much I just cant do it. Im not brave or strong and just cant seem to get a grip. One day Im telling myseld you got this and am chatting about making a plan, the next Im sobbing wanting to not wake uo but today he he your words got into me. Practice what a great way to think about it seems less scarey less final less of a climb. I needed this today I really did Thank you so very much. Much love n hugs x

[Hebe]

Dearest nbumblebee, so glad to have given you a tiny candle flame, hope is what we all hold onto. Our spirit is strong, otherwise we wouldn’t be on the forum for one thing. You are courageous, you are brave, you’re a survivor, I believe in you and others on this forum do too.

And yes, you do have this, in your hands. It is safe and waiting to fly, when you are ready. Your plan is there and cannot be taken away.

To a writer, a blank page is the hardest view, an artist, a blank canvas, a sportsperson, maybe the start of the season. They are anxious and nervous, how is it going to begin?

So, in your mind, enact what steps you want to take, rehearse them, like for a play. Play different scenarios and see which work. What are the advantages or disadvantages, what do you need to make it work, what can you change, what can’t be changed at the moment, who else can help or give advice or bounce ideas. Solutions sometimes arrive when you least expect – I call them shower moments – when you’re relaxed and your mind is open to ideas.

When we are anxious, our brain is so concerned with the danger we perceive, it stops all sorts of things happening normally. For example, the way we see, I spoke of the colour appearing to leaching out of view, our hearing can be affected, our sense of smell, taste and appetite. Don’t push yourself on days you feel low, just tell yourself it will pass and it will get better. Speak to your GP as well.

The other saying is, how do you eat an elephant? With a very small spoon. This plan of yours is massive. Break it down into manageable pieces and celebrate every step you manage. Celebrate the successes of the day, the week, the month, give yourself a star, paint your nails, play some music that means something to you, have a shower or a bath, whatever you enjoy.

There are people who call themselves project managers who earn a lot of money for making a plan a reality. Your reward is far greater than money, it’s about self-esteem, empowerment, bringing the joy back into your life, self-belief. You will get to where you want to, whatever, wherever that turns out to be. If your plan changes, don’t be concerned, it’s your plan and it can take whatever shape you choose. No-one else has the right to tell you that it has to be done in a certain time, or in a particular way.

Thinking of you.

Hugs
x

[nbumblebee]

@hehe thank you again. I think i am so focased on what I think others think i should do ie leave him that I cant actually think about what I really want to do. Im not ready or able to leave but i know i need things to change im hurt and it needs to stop. So im gonna do what you suggest break it down act it out in my head see what sticks ive made a plan who cares if it takes 10 days or 10 years right? Thank you so so much take care of you xxxxx

[Hebe]

@nbumblebee, absolutely right, nobody can tell you what to do, you navigate that for yourself. What you can do is consider, measure and choose the what, the when and the how. You know your resources and constraints better than anyone else does. Think of your energy in measurable amounts, and add them up. Maybe whenever something hurts you give it a score from 1-10, that’s the energy it takes to resist it. Or what it would take to change something.

Also, don’t feel obliged to act the way others say, it’s what is right for you. I will never be able to afford to take a trip to the moon, the billionaires can and very good luck to them. It’s not impossible that one day I might if I chose to or really wanted to. The risks involved would probably mean I wouldn’t choose to. I can still think about it and then dismiss it from my mind. I can think about it if I won the lottery perhaps. I definitely do not want to go to Mars, that’s a step too far 🙂

The fact that you hurt and realise it is a positive step and a big one. Sometimes, we don’t even recognise that. It took me years to get to where I am now. Do I regret that? I give that thought an airing now and again, a little walk around the block. And overall, no. I wasn’t the same person, I hadn’t had the experience and I didn’t have the knowledge to recognise or acknowledge the abuse. I used relentless positivity as an antidote which helped me although that in itself used energy.

Take care of yourself and thank you so much for your posts, they help me too 🙂

Keep on keeping on, one step at a time.

Hugs
x

[Author]

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