My son hates me

[Manifest]

Never ever posted before. I’ve been in a (detail removed by moderator) year physically emotionally financially abusive relationship. Was a ghost in my own home. Only allowed to speak to own children when he allowed it, sometimes only to say night night! Made to feel like everything was my fault,even the beatings, which he rationalized so well! I Believed it! Never told a soul, he had convinced me all my family and friends were bad. Convinced me to give up my career,give up phone internet,essentially all contact with outside world for over(detail removed by moderator)years ago! When I was allowed out, it was with him, head down or he would start calling my a slug egg which then escalated into physical beatings, wasn’t to speak to anyone without his permission. Every aspect was contoled. He had CCTV installed inside the home so he could watch and record everything I did then point out all my fault failures in front of kids. Until (detail removed by moderator), the world suddenly changed a particularly bad beating left my dazed, confused, stumbled outside, somehow front door hadn’t been locked, was found street nearby were i lived, woke up (detail removed by moderator) in hospital, discharged myself, discovered kids with my mum and partner with police (detail removed by moderator). Granted bail and not allowed anywhere near us, I feel so lost, don’t remember anything from Wednesday except us all eating dinner, to waking up in hospital. All of a sudden u am alone, not really grasping what’s going on. Still ridiculously living and missing my partner to the point where I can’t breathe, my children are just as confused firstly staying with a granny there barely knew existed, to how living with me who they barely knew, except without daddy’s permission. They don’t understand why daddy isn’t allowed back since it was “my fault that daddy had to hit you- you didn’t put the green milk on the right side of fridge door”, my son told my tonight he hates me for doing this to daddy, how he wants to live with daddy, tried to explain he can’t and that social services will never allow that but he’s(detail removed by moderator) and I guess my partner was right I’m a shouty mum, as I have no idea how to handle this on top of my own emotional mess. I’m drowning and failing and I’m sick of family that I haven’t spoken to in years now suddenly telling me things will get better, I’m am angry and sad and weepy and unable to do anything, haven’t brushed hair or washed since well I guess last (detail removed by moderator). I am a mess…. Don’t know how to live in this world…

[Manifest]

Sorry just read back over what I wrote sorry about spelling mistakes and predictive text thing. I meant to write when we went out of i didn’t have my head down he’s call me a s**t and then it would escalate

[Iwantmeback]

I wrote on your other post but jyst want to talk to you fir however long you want. Predictive text is a proper pain. Is that a wee glimmer of humour I detected there? Your son’s angry, he’s confused, like you are, got noone else to shout at. I hope he gets counselling as you all will, very soon. You’ve had a terrible life at the hands of this man but there is a better life after him. It’s a hard road to travel, one none of us would willingly chose. The times I wished my oh would just kill me get it over with, well I’m glad he didnt. Ive nearly got my life back not quite there,but it’s not that far, 100 times better than it was.
You’re not a shouty mum, you’re a mum who’s tried to love her children in the hardest of conditions. You’re full of love and fun, you just need to find a way to let her out. Don’t be hard on yourself, there’s so much pain inside. When you feel the need to scream can you go outside away from the kids, they’re scared, that would jyst frighten them more. Or scream into your pillow.
I hope your family are kind to you and not judgemental, the last thing you need to hear are I told you so’s.
Love and strength
IWMB 💞💞

[KIP.]

Hi, everything you’re going through is a normal response to trauma. And trauma bonding. Try to limit three things a day to do. Your son has learned his behaviour from an abuser and you will need help to rewire his brain and your. Get help from women’s aid. There’s a helpline number and try to contact your local one. Your close family may annoy you but they have your best interests at heart. Lean on them and lean on victim support and women’s aid. As human beings and that includes abuse victims, we crave what is normal to us. He has made himself your everyday normal. So change will feel scary to you. Yes, it will get better but there’s a painful recovery to go through first. Just take baby steps at the moment. When you mentioned the green top milk my heart jumped. I was abused because I bought the wrong milk. Looking back it’s all so bizarre like it was another world and another person. It was never about the milk it was about his controlling angry dangerous behaviour and it only gets worse and you till have time to reverse the damage to you and the children. Please stay zero contact and report any breaches of bail. Trauma is a terrible thing to recover from and you need good counselling x speak to your GP x and keep posting. You’re among women who know and care 💕

[HunkyDory]

Hi Manifest welcome. I can’t add to the good advice already given by IWMB and KIP, just wanted to show you some support.

You’ve had a horrific time and it’s going to take time for you and your children to adjust. Be kind to yourself allow some help. You’ll get through this to a new life without abuse in it. I’m so glad for you that you’re out. I hope he’s put away for a long time, please don’t let him back into you life again, you deserve better xx

[Manifest]

It’s really hard, I keep looking at phone, saying to myself “just call him” , I guess ironically it’s lucky I’ve too mAny broken bones,I’ve been in to much pain to move towards the phone! My head has so many inner voices at the moment “the bones will heal”” the kids miss him” etc etc but thankfully the loudest one says “no”. The police sent a referral to WA and a lovely lady phones today, unfortunately covid-19 is playing havoc with counselling etc but I’ve at least for a starting point of contact, just can’t seem to stop this feeling of sinking further and further into some deep dark chasm of sorrow, not sure sorrow explains it, I’m so overwhelmed and lost. Zero tolerance…I know it sounds like the right thing to do but…. In a weird way it also sounds like calling him would make this pain less painful? I know I’m messed up, haven’t given in to calling him and really trying to keep focusing on listing the injuries over and over in my head, it’s seems to be the only thing that reminds me how close he was to killing me. The police took the CCTV and a wee diary i kept along with a dictophone of the abuse, but I wish I had them so I could focus on the daily bad/horrible and not let the rare ok moment- not sure if any of this makes sense

[Anonymous]

Hi Manifest,

What you are doing now at some point in the future your children will thank you for. He doesn’t hate you he’s scared and things have changed and he don’t know how to deal with it. The damage done to them witnessing all this is going to take a while to be undone.
The damage done to you is going to take a long time to be undone. Physical wounds heal far quicker than mental ones. I said yesterday to women’s aid its like you train yourself even when they’re not around you find yourself doing things in a certain way, their way.
Please try not to contact him, if you feel the urge ring a helpline and like you said remember your injuries. Your whole world has been turned upside down and it will not be how it was but you will find a better way and a new normal x

[Iwantmeback]

I so get how contacting him would take the pain away, it will, but it’s only temporary, its also giving him a way back in to be able to manipulate you and further abuse you. Think of it as withdrawal symptoms, you’re withdrawing from your drug of choice(him, and all the chemical reactions being with him entails). The more you have no contact the easier it will become. As fir how long that it is, all depends on us.each of us heal at different stages and at different time. Look up trauma bonding and the cycle of abuse. The FOG of abuse begins to lift when we’re no longer with that person too.
Block his number, delete it if you can. Both are heated decisions to take, but the consequences of contact are too horrendous to bear.
Stay strong you’re doing so well.
IWMB 💞💞

[Manifest]

Thank you all for your thoughts, and advice. I really am determined to stay away from him – it is just so hard. Particularly when the Kids keep wanting to see him and talk to him and begging to be near him! I really liked the analogy regarding the drug and withdrawal symptoms… growing up as a child with alcoholic and abusive parent – this really made sense… yes he’s my drug… drugs are bad… do the withdrawal… i should form this into some type of mantra. But every time they say “daddy” it just keeps ripping at my heart – I just don’t know how to get through a day – my normal was bad but it was A normal… this…this… this is… – I don’t know the words…is so hard… I guess all Junkies say the same…? DO the tears and wobbles ever stop? I know its really really early days but seriously how can I get through these early days… I don’t know if i can be strong enough to go cold turkey…?

[Iwantmeback]

Hi again, you take one day at a time. Yes it was your normal, but it wasn’t normal. Look up the FOG of abuse, fear,obligation and guilt. Once that starts to lift you’ll start to get stronger. Every day, every hour you don’t contact him, is a step further away from his abusive behaviour. The tears and wobbles will lessen too over time. It’s learning to trust your own judgement too, not having someone constantly telling you your rubbish, you’ll eventually stop hearing his words in your head,
Keep posting sweetheart.
IWMB 💞💞

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