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Hello
I haven’t posted for a few days – I have been dipping in and out but also with half term and trying to sort things out I find it hard to get quality time to respond properly but here I am in need of something – support / advice / empathy I am not sure which but I apologise for asking this if you all when I have been silent lately.
Things are still progressing with my house purchase and hopefully complete before (removed by moderator) so that is good. The bad side is trying to pretend that I am trying to make things work between us. He still goes off on one but not so bad lately but it is still there under the surface along with his snide remarks. The kids are ok – they are aware that we are not getting in but it almost seems to be normal fur then which is so sad.However, the point is, my son is starting to display the very behaviours that brought me down during our marriage. He tells me what to do, orders me about, talks to he like I am an inferior specimen and now, tonight, he has scolded me for ‘being the victim’ and denied his actions which ivaaa with mybuwn eyes. He says I live in a different plant (removed by moderator).
The thing is I am trying to nip this in the NYC but he is getting worse and I really do dear he would get physical with he. He really hits / kicks / verbally abuses his little sister who is half his age. I tell them and beg them to stop fighting and am told I should t get involved ; by my son ) and I try to separate them then they both turn on me – that I am over reacting. J havecteued to explain what physical violence and / or loud voices / arguing does to je. My family have tried to explain too but my son just says I am playing the victim. I only told him my illness makes it really hard to go to s cinema because if the excessive volume and when rhjngxvyno I’d crash at home u jump out of my skin. I have taken myself off to another part of the house and sent them to their fathers room but what if this is how it will be? What if my son does what his dad did ? How do stand up to my son, the only boy I have, whom I cherish and love beyond anything? I have stayed so long because I love my kids so much but tonight really I felt them slipping away because I can’t cope. -
I can’t offer any advice. I am terrified of this happening. I see certain behaviours and find myself having to correct things his dad seems to have instilled in him during their time together in the week.
Maybe take your son out for a day. Somewhere neutral and explain to him like an adult why his behaviour is upsetting you. Treating him like a equal instead of a child might have an effect on him.
Tell him that he should protect his sister not fight with her.
You could speak to your gp tell them the marriage breakdown is affecting your children they might be able to refer them for counselling.
Huge hugs maybe some of the other ladies can be more help -
HEy Hun
Sadly living with an abuser they do pick up their dads habbit, it takes a lot of hard work, energy , effort and working with agencies to get the message through to them, but u will get their eventually, your sons reaction sound a bit similar to some of comments my son made, maybe once u leave and are in seperate houses thats when u can really work on your son, again when they tell u not to get involved , say u will as u are the parent , when thwy argue see if they can resolve on their own and intervene when necessary , if u son is angry and doesnt listen i would say i refuse to talk to u when u are like this and will speak when u are calmer, but make a point to tellhim u dont approve of his behaviour when he is calmer, keep it short but brief as he will walk of otherwise. My son showed me laods of challenging behaviour but u just have to preserve and keep seeking support.my son used to say nobody will say nothing to u as they think u have been through a lot but i will say what i want, i used to listen to what he says then challenge him and justify my points. Deep down they are sufering too and see u as the safe parent to lashout on . Well done for tryign to nip it inn the bud now
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Hi Tuppance, I can’t tell you how proud I am that you are getting your own place sorted out by (removed by moderator). That takes great skill and planning and shows that you really are strong. I can tell you that things will change when you are away from the abusive husband. When you have your own place, own rules and most importantly you have space to heal. It’s pure anxiety you are feeling, loud noises etc. You need to concentrate on yourself for the next month. Take yourself out of the situations that occurr. If the kids are fighting then walk away. Don’t get drawn in for the next month. You will just increase your own anxiety. My son behaved appallingly but confronting him when I was traumatised and unable to deal with his reaction was a big mistake. Once you are thinking more clearly, are calm and out of the dysfunction, you can come at the problem using your head. Try to keep focussed on (removed by moderator). You’re doing really well and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately there are some nasty genes that get passed down to our children. All we can do is demand respect and accept nothing less. Put boundaries in place and put our own sanity first.
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Thankyou so much for your replies. It really helps to know I am not the only one to go through or have gone through this. I know, as the one calling time in my marriage, that I will be held to blame or held accountable and I also know the children do not need to hear about all the detail as it could damage their relationship with their dad and that is one thing I continue to work hard at improving although it would be emotionsllly easier for me if they hated him
all the time. Oh my, so very very difficult to try and ore empty their reactions. I suppose I just have to take solace in the fact that I am TRYING to do the right thing for them and myself and trust that they will forgive me in the end. Xxxx -
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