My story.

[Lostinthedark]

Hello!
I am writing this post in a desperate hope to feel better somehow. I have developed an extreme traumatic bonding with my ex partner, who was abusive to me. I was thinking that something is wrong with me until i read online about such a thing, at least I understood that it can happen and it is not my fault. I feel like my friends and family can’t comprehend what it is like, so i feel judged expressing my feelings to them.

Everything was since the beginning as it is described in books about abuse, I found out later. Love bombing since day 1, “we are meant for each other, you are my soul mate, I will never hurt you, I want to have everything with you, I was searching for you all my life.” It all felt like a dream, and I was even thinking:”something doesn’t feel right, it feels like a scam, but what can he possibly gain from me?…” then i was pushing these thoughts away. I told all my friends and family that i finally met THE ONE, and we will live happily ever after, that’s what i started to believe. Friends were concerned at how fast it all was happening… i was head over heels in love.
After (detail removed by moderator) of relationships i had (detail removed by moderator), he came along. Perfect, isn’t it? Then he insisted we started to live together so i would move in with him. Fine, he just loves me so much.

First signs that something was wrong started to appear straight away. He was extremely jealous. He made a scenery on the street because once a male (detail removed by moderator). He went mad! He said that it is (detail removed by moderator) that i (detail removed by moderator), and tried to persuade me that i was flirting with the man. He would check my phone from time to time to find out if I had any chats with guys (which I wasn’t). Then he would check my friends’ messages and pictures as well.
Once my male friend messaged me (detail removed by moderator)? And I replied with a simple non-flirting generic message, he went crazy again, called me names, called me a cheater. He broke up with me after that, but then reappeared. At that point i just concidered him a jealous person, but thought i can deal with it.
Then other signs of controlling behaviour came. He was against all my friends, although he met the majority of them, but he constantly tried to say something bad about them, or prevent me from seeing them. He was saying that we need to spend more time together, and my friends are (detail removed by moderator), so it is wrong. I almost stopped seeing any friends as a result to not create a fuss. He wanted to know every detail where I am when i am not with him, i thought is is a bit weird, but ok…. then the first physical abuse happened, just after we started to live together, (detail removed by moderator) after we met (superquick, I know).
We were having dinner, watching tv, and I said (relating to something on tv) that (detail removed by moderator).
He threw (detail removed by moderator). I said (in shock): (detail removed by moderator)
Then he (detail removed by moderator) but still. He choked me.
It was a big shock for me. Yet i didn’t leave. I thought i love him. After he said sorry and was appologetic.

Then a few more violent things happened over the course of the next (detail removed by moderator).
(detail removed by moderator) was his favourite. He could go mad without any reason, for instance, I was invited to a (detail removed by moderator) (which it wasn’t!). Being phisical again. Degrading me, belittling…..
It is like two persons are inside. One is loving and caring, another is a monster.
Over the (detail removed by moderator) we went to (detail removed by moderator) to visit his family. He proposed to me (after (detail removed by moderator) of relationship,) and I said yes. The whole proposal story was a joke and quite horrific experience. First he (detail removed by moderator) (before proposing even!) He was angry that I mentioned my friends, they were (detail removed by moderator) and I saw it (detail removed by moderator). He started to shout how he (detail removed by moderator). I was just crying, and only tried to say that (detail removed by moderator). Then initially he said sorry and proposed for real. However, after (detail removed by moderator), he became angry because one of my friends (detail removed by moderator). I said that I won’t go without him so he wouldn’t worry but he started to call her names. And I just asked not to say such things about my friend, and (detail removed by moderator). He then was violent again, and (detail removed by moderator) in front of (detail removed by moderator) who also was in shock. Since then something broke inside me.
I can tell endless stories like this. He was unfair, he was horrible to me. However, I was thinking things will get better.
On a few occasions I started to read about domestic violence and I was in shock how everything what i experienced was in sync with typical signs of it. His abusive father whom he blames for everything, a “(detail removed by moderator)” ex who reported him to the police (wrongfully of course!), calling me an abuser, isolating me from the world, controlling behaviour and jealousy….all the signs were there, and I was blind to see them.

Then the last straw was that he tried to cut me from the best thing in my life – my work. I work in (detail removed by moderator). Sometimes I have to travel for work. He would be saying that he would always go with me. Which wasn’t a problem for me, rather flattering. But I have this project in (detail removed by moderator) when he will not be able to travel with me because of his work. It threw him off. He started to manipulate me, saying that I can’t travel without him (we are talking about 1-2 day long trips!!!!). He was saying that (detail removed by moderator)! But I am not ready to give up my dreams, my work. This is what makes me happy. I was fighting for the chance to be able to work.

Sometimes I was staying in the hotels to get away from him and the abuse. to have a break. It drove him mad as well of course.
Then finally i left. One day he started to complain about my work again (i haven’t had any projects since the moment we started to live together, so his complains all are about the future….) he said that he doesn’t want woman like me, with the job like mine (i am very proud of my job!) He said that he doesn’t love me anymore. Then i left. I left for nowhere, just started to travel between friends (i have quite a low income from my work).
We were together for only (detail removed by moderator).
I left, I told everything to my friends. They were in shock. IN SHOCK! However, the traumatic bonding is strong in my case, I sometimes could not stop myself from texting or calling him. Sometimes i would persuade myself that everything will be fine, that he can change. That it is our issues, and the couple therapy would help.

He lost all the interest towards me as soon as he found out that my friends know everything, including phisical abuse. He blamed me for that, he was saying: “(detail removed by moderator)” Sometimes I felt guilty that i told the truth.

He was not ashamed to do those things. He was ashamed that other people knew….. and the minute I came out and told my circle, I became stronger. He knew he lost his grip on me. He knew he can’t do this anymore….

After (detail removed by moderator) I found out I was pregnant (he was insisting that we don’t use protection because he “(detail removed by moderator)”) . I made a mistake and told him that i am pregnant. Then came another turmoil. “(detail removed by moderator)” he would change every hour. Then one day I was so desperate I decided I need to see him. I knew I couldn’t tell anybody about it. This trauma bonding is a b***h, you feel like you are on drugs, you know there is no future for this relationship, but you. Just. Need. To. See. Him. One. Last. Time.
Which I did. It was amazing. We were hugging and kissing and had sex. Then he became jealous over (detail removed by moderator), out of nothing. He choked me again. He (detail removed by moderator) multiple times, became even more violent than before. He was screaming that he will (detail removed by moderator). (Obvioulsy, nothing was going on between me and (detail removed by moderator), we know each other for years, we are just friends, and he (detail removed by moderator)).

Anyway he scared me to death, I was shaking and saying that i am pregnant, and he can’t hurt me, and that i will call the police. Then I left at (detail removed by moderator) after this incident, knowing that I can’t blame anyone but myself…. it was not safe to see him again,but I chose to risk it even if all the rational thinking was telling me not to…..

I thought that he would say sorry after. He never did. He just wrote me a spiteful message how he (detail removed by moderator). Then he blocked me from everywhere.
I am doing my abortion (detail removed by moderator), thank God it is only (detail removed by moderator). But I am deeply hurt and I wish to hear “sorry” from him. I don’t know why. I wish he told me that he knows he was wrong…
So this bonding is the thing I can’t get over so far. It can’t be love. I can’t even name a single good quality about him. But somehow i keep checking my emails every ten minutes in the hope he will write something. I keep thinking about him. I feel angry, fooled, dismissed, pathetic and sad. I can’t get over him. It is like a really bad desease… if I wouldn’t read one day what “abusive relationship” is I might still be there and be questioning myself and losing myself every day. However, i still feel very isolated, I think that the person who hasn’t been there will not be able to fully grasp what it is like. That’s why I am here, trying to find some support, trying to survive.

Sometimes i feel like i need closure. I did a Clare’s law search on him, because I know that his “crazy” ex reported him to the police, although the search came with nothing, all the allegations were cleared. However, I would give a lot to be able to speak to this woman and to find out her side of the story, however, I don’t even know her name to find her online. The police was my only option….

I am trying to find some one-on-one councelling options to talk it through.
I am also trying to grasp my abortion situation as well at the same time, I am trying to make sense about everything, prossess it all, but it is very hard. I tend to cling to good moments, like some women in this forum describe it. It is very hard to move on. The mind tends to picture all the good things which were happening and I start to blame myself, even knowing it is irrational

[hpsauce]

First of all I am so sorry you have had to endure all of this.
You are so strong and resilient to still be standing and be able to tell your story after all you have been through. Know that you are a warrior.

I know you know this but I just need to reiterate that it isn’t your fault. You didn’t deserve it, none of it. Try not to blame yourself for going back because it’s his actions that are wrong. Your feet may have walked you there but you didn’t ask him to abuse you.

Look after yourself and keep reaching out on here. So much helpful advice available and no judgement.

Lots of love x

[Marmalade]

Lostinthedark,
Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you experienced such horrific abuse. You are so strong to have removed yourself and to have recognised what is happening. Be very proud of yourself.
It is as those these men have a textbook to follow. I read your comments on how your abuser love bombed you with tingles down my spine as my abuser said the same and my response was the same as yours. The intense happiness, the Disney moment, meeting “the one”. It just makes it so much harder for us to accept what happens later and we constantly try to get that perfect man back by losing a bit more of ourselves each time to please them. But the perfect man never really existed.
The trauma bond is horrendous. I stayed for years longer than I should. Like you, I could see what was happening but couldn’t wrench myself away. We do become addicted to the highs which any flash of niceness gives us and we lose all self esteem.
Do not blame yourself. It’s all him. You are amazing to get out and have the strength to go through with the abortion.
The trauma bond does go away gradually but it takes time, maybe even a few years before it goes completely. It is reinforced by contact so it is really really important to go no contact and keep to it. It will also come in waves when something triggers a memory. Be prepared for this. Have a list of his terrible behaviour to hand, so that when you feel a moment of weakness, you can look at it to strengthen your resolve. Also have a friend you can call and things to do to distract yourself. Your hormones will be sensitive after an abortion so be prepared by having support and keeping busy.
Also make sure you are safe. He sounds incredibly dangerous. If there is any suggestion he may try to contact you please think about contacting your local DA agency and getting a non molestation order to keep him away. (live chat will give you contact details) Don’t hesitate to ring the police if you feel threatened.
You can always consider reporting him to the police anyway but that is a personal decision.
Yes get some counselling. Ask your GP or you can self refer to Talking Therapies in some areas. Your local DA agency may also have a list of counsellors.
You are very strong. Keep going. Best of luck.

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