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My first experience with abusive relationship dates back more than (timeframe removed by Moderator) years. I was a young university student. He was charming. And it was a love on first sight, a hurricane of love. After (timeframe removed by Moderator), I ended up alone with HIM (left school ofcourse) – cut off from family and friends. I was regularly beaten, threathened, locked in a basement, and verbally humiliated. After (timeframe removed by Moderator) years and several attempts, I escaped and did not come back. The recovery was tough, but I survived. HE was diagnosed with schizofrenia and later died – commited suicide.
This is just to mention that I was not a newbie with abuse.
Then I met my husband, we got married and we have three wonderful children. My husband was never physical towards me, he did not call me names (with a few small exceptions). Even though I believe now that I was abused again, just did not notice it enough, because it was not as bad as with my first ex-abuser. For many and many years now, I was the only reason why all the bad things happened, all the fights were caused “by my behaviour”, which was not as good as it should be. I was treated badly because I was the cause of all that and I deserved that. He did explain to me, why he has to be mean to me, that it is the only way to which I respond appropriately and I do not deserve better unless I change myself. Our sex life became a nightmare for me, I was carefully planning not to miss the opportunity to have the expected once a week sex, otherwise it was a big problem.
In last few years, he became mentally unstable, suffered from depression and was unable to work. Suicide was a big topic of his. Because of the low family income, I started to work hard, but it was all just worse and worse. It has been (timeframe removed by Moderator) years now. Kids are bigger. (timeframe removed by Moderator) my husband got better (at least it seemed), he found himself a new job. It was a good, managerial position, nice money, interesting things to do. But the things wen wrong. As the things progressed, the worse situation was at his work, “the worse my behaviour”. No apologies of my did help, even not those, which were the true apologies from his point of view. Until one day, he came home and told me, he is divorcing me – that he does not want to tolerate my behaviour anymore and left. I cried. However with coming days, I realized that what was happening, was not my fault. How is it possible that I did not realize what is happening sooner? I wanna say: poor me but mostly poor children who had to be there.
Now I am just at the beginning of the journey but decided not to come back (when I wanted, some stories on forum helped me). My husband does not agree with the divorce anymore. For several (timeframe removed by Moderator) now, he has a mental break down, is on a sick leave.The problem is that we have children and he can be a nice dad. So I have to deal with him further. But the only rules are again his rules and I am punished strongly by threats if I do not do what he wants me to do. I do not know what to do. I am scared and trapped by his low mental state. I do not know what to do.
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Totally understand how devastated you must be feeling about this and how this abuser flew ‘under your radar’ because it was so different from the previous relationship.
(detail removed by Moderator)
I have read, and believe, that most abusers are not mentally ill and that their abuse is a choice, and that they do it for lots of reasons, but not least, that they gain a lot from it.
It can be subtle though can’t it and difficult to work out what’s really going on. It’s exhausting!
Have you heard about FOG? This is Fear, Obligation and Guilt and these are the main ways that they maintain control over us.
I too had someone saying they wanted a divorce and then changing their mind. I decided I wouldn’t accept their change of mind and continued with the divorce. I personally felt like it was an act of severe abuse to tell someone you want a divorce ( and not just in the heat of an argument, although even that is pretty bad, but in the cold light of day and over and over). I absolute didn’t accept his retraction of that.
Sorry you’re feeling scared, can you put your finger on what you’re scared might happen?ps keep replies ‘general’ not too specific so that you don’t risk identifying yourself.
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