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My first experience with abusive relationship dates back more than (timeframe removed by Moderator) years. I was a young university student. He was charming. And it was a love on first sight, a hurricane of love. After (timeframe removed by Moderator), I ended up alone with HIM (left school ofcourse) – cut off from family and friends. I was regularly beaten, threathened, locked in a basement, and verbally humiliated. After (timeframe removed by Moderator) years and several attempts, I escaped and did not come back. The recovery was tough, but I survived. HE was diagnosed with schizofrenia and later died – commited suicide.
This is just to mention that I was not a newbie with abuse.
Then I met my husband, we got married and we have three wonderful children. My husband was never physical towards me, he did not call me names (with a few small exceptions). Even though I believe now that I was abused again, just did not notice it enough, because it was not as bad as with my first ex-abuser. For many and many years now, I was the only reason why all the bad things happened, all the fights were caused “by my behaviour”, which was not as good as it should be. I was treated badly because I was the cause of all that and I deserved that. He did explain to me, why he has to be mean to me, that it is the only way to which I respond appropriately and I do not deserve better unless I change myself. Our sex life became a nightmare for me, I was carefully planning not to miss the opportunity to have the expected once a week sex, otherwise it was a big problem.
In last few years, he became mentally unstable, suffered from depression and was unable to work. Suicide was a big topic of his. Because of the low family income, I started to work hard, but it was all just worse and worse. It has been (timeframe removed by Moderator) years now. Kids are bigger. (timeframe removed by Moderator) my husband got better (at least it seemed), he found himself a new job. It was a good, managerial position, nice money, interesting things to do. But the things wen wrong. As the things progressed, the worse situation was at his work, “the worse my behaviour”. No apologies of my did help, even not those, which were the true apologies from his point of view. Until one day, he came home and told me, he is divorcing me – that he does not want to tolerate my behaviour anymore and left. I cried. However with coming days, I realized that what was happening, was not my fault. How is it possible that I did not realize what is happening sooner? I wanna say: poor me but mostly poor children who had to be there.
Now I am just at the beginning of the journey but decided not to come back (when I wanted, some stories on forum helped me). My husband does not agree with the divorce anymore. For several (timeframe removed by Moderator) now, he has a mental break down, is on a sick leave.The problem is that we have children and he can be a nice dad. So I have to deal with him further. But the only rules are again his rules and I am punished strongly by threats if I do not do what he wants me to do. I do not know what to do. I am scared and trapped by his low mental state. I do not know what to do.
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Totally understand how devastated you must be feeling about this and how this abuser flew ‘under your radar’ because it was so different from the previous relationship.
(detail removed by Moderator)
I have read, and believe, that most abusers are not mentally ill and that their abuse is a choice, and that they do it for lots of reasons, but not least, that they gain a lot from it.
It can be subtle though can’t it and difficult to work out what’s really going on. It’s exhausting!
Have you heard about FOG? This is Fear, Obligation and Guilt and these are the main ways that they maintain control over us.
I too had someone saying they wanted a divorce and then changing their mind. I decided I wouldn’t accept their change of mind and continued with the divorce. I personally felt like it was an act of severe abuse to tell someone you want a divorce ( and not just in the heat of an argument, although even that is pretty bad, but in the cold light of day and over and over). I absolute didn’t accept his retraction of that.
Sorry you’re feeling scared, can you put your finger on what you’re scared might happen?ps keep replies ‘general’ not too specific so that you don’t risk identifying yourself.
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My dear all, thank you so very much, I cannot emphasize enough how helpful and important your replies are for me. Yes I am still out. I feel like things do not move fast enough to divorce but lately I realized that the struggles And obstacles I am forced to face Are just another way of manipulation – the more I try and voice my efforts, the worse IT gets. And it somehow calmed me down. Wish me luck.
I have a new Insight to share too. Today I visited a long planned therapy. After my sharing, the therapist Felt Very sorry for me. But it did not help. I felt even smaller and ashamed. I guess I was looking more for encouragement than pity and I realized that I hate to be a victim. I want to be strong woman who will find peace and even happiness and not someone “who suffers under men”.
It was awkward experience, downsizing.
Therefore, again, thank you, because I feel much better reading your replies. I read them around And around. I Will go on and try to remain Positive.
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I hope you are ok? I also had a relationship where it wasn’t physical abuse any more, but just like you, my ‘behaviour’ was continually the problem.
it’s difficult to leave .After I left I found that his behaviour stayed the same but because he could only communicate with me by email it was all in writing. This helped me to see it more clearly because it was in black and white. But I was surprised by how nasty he continued to be and how threatening. I still live in fear and the anxiety is tough.
One thing that helps is to have as much input from impartial advisors as you can. In this way, when you are ‘blamed’ for everything that you do over the next year or so, ( and if it’s anything like mine, you will be blamed for everything!) you can know in yourself that these arrows miss you because you took the advice from someone else.
This can be the police or your local domestic abuse team, or a solicitor or any trusted person. Sometimes even a good book on abuse can provide help. For me it wasn’t easy. His nastiness just got worse and I never stopped feeling really sorry for him even though he clearly never feels any compassion for me. Still I felt like it was my fault. This has been beaten into us mentally. The feeling that everything is our fault.
Like you, I haven’t had therapy and I don’t want to feel like a victim.But be ready for a rough ride. It has been a hard fight for me and continues to be so, but remember when it gets hard “what is the alternative?” To still be there in 10 years time? With things getting worse?
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I just wanted to add that I have had approach this with the mentality that I have to do all the work for myself to get out of this relationship. I have decided that I cannot expect anyone else to save me from this.
This has really helped me. I truly believe we have to expect to fight every battle by ourselves.
People are very uneasy about getting involved between a couple who are fighting and so sometimes I have felt let down by friends because of that.But, when I say take advice it is like the bricks in a wall. When you go to a solicitor and they ask “have you talked to the police?” If you can say yes to all these things, then people can start to work for you. They can begin to be part of a net which will be there to catch you. It doesn’t always work, but don’t expect one person to solve anything. In my opinion it’s a team effort. Equally, when you ask a friend for help, they will be more likely to get involved if you have a police report, a court order, a letter from the headmaster, a conversation with the social worker etc etc.
Because I tried not to expect too much from others I have been able to genuinely appreciate all the help that I have received, and the genuine love and support that has come my way.
But, it’s not easy. It has been the hardest fight of my life and it isn’t over yet.Get your armory on and saddle up your best warhorse
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