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    • #129878
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Me again just wanted to share my past few week and ask if im just being silly.
      (Detail removed by moderator)  he told me he would punch me (detail removed by moderator)  he also physically stopped me from getting in my car duri g an argument.
      (Detail removed by moderator).
      He also after sex (detail removed by moderator).  It feels like he has been checking up on me making sure i am where i say i am. He picks fault with everything i do.
      I really broke down (detail removed by moderator) and spoke to someone who already knows my story i am very wary what i tell this person so i just said that my husband was being nasty again and calling me names and accusing me on having affairshe was great and listened. Now heres my question from an outsiders point of view do i sound crazy? Do i sound like i am just describing a usual rocky marriage? Ive read that book and i think i see him now for what he is but there really is a small part of me that thinks this is all in my head. I worry that this person im talking too just thinks im just being a drama queen. What do you all think?

    • #129885
      KIP.
      Participant

      Threatening violence. Physical assault. Verbal abuse. Emotional abuse. And the list goes on. I remember confiding in a fried about a rape and her nonchalant behaviour made me feel like I was over reacting. What your partner is doing to you is appalling abuse, illegal and he is dangerous. Abuse is crazy making. Their lack of accountability and remorse is like gaslighting. Talk to the national domestic abuse helpline and they will tell you it’s not okay x

    • #129891
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      @kip ive been on bere a while now and have asked this qjestion time and time again. I just cant quite believe it. Thank you for your honest and stfight to the point words I needed that.

    • #129893
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s so hard for us to believe. Our brain keeps trying to protect us from the pain it knows we will suffer when we accept it’s abuse so it pushes the bad thoughts to the back and keeps trying to protect us by minimising and that’s how women get killed or badly hurt. Our brain in trying to protect us is actually putting us in harms way as we begin to slowly normalise the abuse. Google cognitive dissonance. Keep that secret journal and talk to people who validate your abuse not those who ignore or minimise x

    • #129897
      gettingtired
      Participant

      Kip’s right, it’s appalling abuse and you’re not imagining anything. You’re not overreacting or being a drama queen at all. I’ve been accused so much of being dramatic or a princess that I think I even started to believe I was. Now I can see through his BS but it’s taken me a while; it’s been very painful and difficult accepting my reality.
      Please be kind and patient with yourself, accepting the abuse for what it is almost feels like the hardest part.
      Personally I felt extremely guilty (and still do to an extent) for going behind his back, reading the books, coming on the forum etc as well as struggling with the ‘nice’ periods and the friendly, funny him. Whenever I start to feel bad I try to remind myself of the nasty him and all of the things he does/has done and how awful it’s made me feel. It’s getting to the point now where I’m feeling my anxiety of leaving being overridden by what I know will happen if I stay. He will completely destroy my life. Sorry I hope I haven’t made this comment all about me but I’m just trying to explain how I’ve tried to overcome the bad times.
      I know it’s easy to slip back into thinking things are ok but please try to remind yourself and stay in reality. For me it’s the only way I’ve started to feel more serious about actually leaving.
      You’re incredibly strong for everything you’ve ensured and your intuition is telling you that you don’t deserve this terrible treatment. And it’s right!
      You’re so kind and helpful to other forum members so please try to offer yourself the same kindness 🙂 virtual hug xxxx

      • #129960
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Thank you for such kind words. You stay safe sweetie x*x

    • #129948
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      @kip @gettingtired thank you.
      All this is just so hard isnt it. It doesnt matter how many people tell you you just cant find it in your heart to agree can you? Well I certainly cant. Today he is calm but is almost ignoring me making me pay (detail removed by moderator) hes not happy with me but he knows that he has to reason to be angry so is just quiet. It all just messes with your head doeant it. Im not sure i can take much more i feel like im going to just explode. Sending you both hugs. X

    • #129949
      KIP.
      Participant

      Please try to understand that nothing you can do will prevent his abuse. He chooses to abuse you.he enjoys it and he simply moves the goal posts time and time again.

    • #129954
      KIP.
      Participant

      Just take baby steps in the opposite direction to him and build a support network around you x and be kind to yourself x

    • #129959
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      @kip Yeah i gotta try really try this time.
      Thank you flr holding me up today. Hugs x

    • #129971
      Tryingtofindhope
      Participant

      Look at it this way, if you had just read or heard from someone else that they were suffering what you have described, would you think they are over reacting? You are not and its not in your head or anyway your fault. I often qiestion my situation too because Ive been in it sooo long that I dont know what a healthy relationship looks like. But my counsellor has helped me to recognise the abuse and the reasons I stay or react to the abuse in the way I do. As the others have said, yiy feel this way to protect yourself.
      Just be kind to yourself, you have done nothing to deserve this. Some people just dont understand and thats not your problem, but dont let them invalidate what you are feeling. Take good care, sending you hugs xx

    • #129976
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      @tryingtofindhope yes exactly the part when you say that you question yourself because youve been in it so long yes thats me. Ive been with him longer than i havent and i worry people will think if its so bad then why have i been here so long? Why do we go on holiday? Why do i sometimes smile and enjoy his company? Why do I still look after him cook clean etc? Nobody will believe me and thats what worries me too. I have a bad bad feeling in the pit of my stomach this week and hes not even been at his worst I cant seem to shift it. Im very grateful for your words of support thanks hope you are staying safe and strong xxxx

      • #129988
        Tryingtofindhope
        Participant

        You stay because of the trauma bond. You stay because it feels safer at the moment. I would love it if you had a supportive circle of friends and family that were there for you. It sounds like you have to be careful who you trust. But remember we are all here for you and we believe you. Keep reaching out. Sending you positive thoughts xx

      • #129994
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        @tryingtofindhope i have nobody he has made sure of that. Thank you for your support you ladies on here are holding me upright through this and i am forever grateful. Take care xx

    • #129977
      Watersprite
      Participant

      nbumblebee I believe you x

    • #129980
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      @watersprite Thank you x

    • #129999
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Day (removed by moderator) of complete ignoring me. When i ask he just says we have nothing to talk about but not once has he asked me about my day. Im thinking hes angry amoungst other things we cant have sex as ive not been too well so im guessing thats makinv him worse too. Could he be feeling guilty or am i just kidding myself there?
      Sorry i will stop moaning after this post Thank you everyone i really do appreciate your kindness x

      • #130001
        Tryingtofindhope
        Participant

        Youre not moaning, you are truing to get clarification on this horrible situation. Its not you and i doubt hes feeling guilty at all. My husband ignored me last week because he tried pressuring me for sex and i had to say no half a dozen times and then really spell it out to him. I then got the silent treatment. I know you must be feeling anxious and in knots not knowing how he will react next when hes not ignoring you. But try to remember that hes playing a game and he will move the goal posts so that you cant second guess him. I know its hard, but try to remember that whatever it is he is sulking about is his issue and not yours and try to block it out if you can. You cant help him but you can help yourself by listening to what you need. Look after yourself. Keep your chin up youre doing amazing xx

      • #130002
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        @tryingtofindhope you really are an amazing lady Thank you.

    • #130000
      Hawthorn
      Participant

      Hi nbumblebee,

      Sadly no it’s extremely unlikely he’s feeling guilty. He’s giving you the silent treatment/ stonewalling to punish you for not meetings his needs. I know its hard to process but he doesn’t think like you do. He doesn’t feel bad for anything he does to you, he feels completely entitled to treat you as he does. I’m not surprised you have a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach, that waiting period where the tension is building is as bad as the overt abuse. It nearly drove me insane before I finally left.

      Don’t apologise for reaching out, keep it up. You need and deserve support. How he’s treating you is horrendous. Home should be a safe refuge, not a tension filled prison with a floor made of eggshells. Sending big hugs xx

      • #130003
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Thank you. I feel exactly as you say insane like im really crazy my head is such a mess.
        Gets to the point where i dont wanna wake up in the morning. Thank you for your support means the world. Take care x

    • #130036
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      Hi nbumblebee, firstly, well done again for reading that book! I have another long reply for you 😊. I am sure that many of us get a lot of benefit from you sharing your experiences and feelings. So often your posts really make me thing about the nature of abuse and I end up reflecting on my own experiences in ways that I might not do otherwise. So thank you for your courage. You are making a positive difference in the world without even meaning to 😊.

      One of the many tough things about abuse is how confusing it is. That part of what keeps us stuck, using all that energy to try to work out what’s going on and what we can do to make things better, which then also keeps our attention away from the reality of the situation. No you’re not in the least bit crazy. Everything you described sound like horrible, overt abuse.

      When you find yourself wondering if it’s just a normal, rocky marriage, remember that there’s a huge difference between ‘normal’ and healthy/acceptable/respectful. Individuals, families, cultures etc can normalise all sorts of behaviours. It wasn’t so long ago in this country that slavery was ‘normal’, that it was ‘normal’ to be sent to prison for being gay, to be hung for stealing a loaf of bread. In some countries it is ‘normal’ to be stoned to death for adultery, to have a hand cut off for stealing, to not be legally allowed to leave an abusive husband. But from our current, western perspectives, it’s easy to see how cruel and destructive those things are, now that they’re not ‘normal’ in our culture.

      Abusive relationships are characterised by an imbalance of power, which is exploited by the abuser. From your posts, that is what is happening in your marriage. This kind of dynamic may feel normal, particularly as your husband will have done a lot of work to make you feel that way, but it will always have a destructive impact on your wellbeing. Any other outcome is just not realistic when your basic human rights, boundaries and wellbeing are trampled over. How can you be a happy person when you’re not allowed to be a separate person? There may be disrespectful actions in a non-abusive rocky marriage, but there wouldn’t be the imbalance of power.

      Remember as well that isolated incidents may look abusive in one relationship and not another. For example, a husband might shout at his wife in a disrespectful way over some disagreement. In relationship A, a healthy relationship, this is a very rare occurrence when the husband is under extreme stress, and soon afterwards he fully accepts that his behaviour was not reasonable and he does not blame his wife for it. He does not believe he is entitled to force his wife to agree with him/do what he wants. His wife does not feel at all scared/worried about the consequences of not doing what he wants and is confident in making clear that his behaviour was not acceptable. In relationship B, a ‘normal’ rocky marriage, the disrespect is more frequent and upsetting, but again the wife is not scared/worried about the consequences of standing up to him. She might not like his behaviour, and there could be significant issues in communication but the wife doesn’t feel like her husband has greater authority in the relationship. In relationship C, an abusive relationship, there is a pattern of this type of behaviour and the husband does feel entitled to force is expectations on his wife. The wife frequently submits to his demands because she is scared, or at the very least worn down, by the punishment she will get if she doesn’t. She knows that, even though she may make some decisions, if/when her husband chooses to, he always has the ultimate power to decide what happens.

      A lot of your post has been moderated so I know I’m missing some of what you described. But whatever was going on around his threatening to punch you doesn’t change that threats of violence from your husband are ALWAYS abuse. Even if he has never been violent before, he is effectively saying “I’m bigger and stronger than you and you know I could really hurt you. You also know that I am prepared to carry out threats and to punish you in ways that other people would find unacceptable, which is why I only do them in private. Even if you don’t think I would do it, you can’t be sure so I know I am intimidating you. I want you to be fearful of how far I might go.”

      I remember my ex once saying something like “I’m so angry I feel like punching you, but obviously I wouldn’t”. I never thought he would do it. I thought he was just trying to articulate how angry I had made him. But even that was scary, because I knew from experience that he was happy to punish me in very cruel, non-physical ways. So looking back I can see that it was still intended to intimidate me and show me how much more powerful than me he was.

      Btw, he’s not being quiet because he has no reason to be angry. If he wanted to be angry he would find a reason. Maybe he wants you to wonder why he’s being quiet, maybe he’s just mixing up his tactics. Only he knows. But you can be confident from his past behaviour that his motivation is to maintain control over you.

      It takes time to fully see through what’s going on. You have your doubts at times, but you’re not completely under his spell any more. The more you focus on you, the more the FOG will lift. It may feel wrong at times, because the trauma bond is trying to keep you safe, so that part of you want to believe it’s safer to stay and believe his lies. That’s where comparisons to addictions come in. Your addiction tells you that you need the drug and it is incredibly compelling. But from the outside it’s so easy to see that you would be much safer away from him. It’s ok that it takes time to see that and time to imagine it as a possibility. Try your best to focus on what you need. When you find yourself thinking about him and what he’s doing/done think about what would be best for your wellbeing in that moment. Just keep taking baby steps. I know it’s hard and exhausting, but you’ve already come a long way. Sending love xxxx

    • #130060
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      @isopeace Thank you so much your replies are always so helpful and heart warming.
      Im scared really scared not so much of him but of a life without him. If I truely face up to him being abusive if I really start to believe that I surely must leave him and that just seems too much for me to cope with. I have started to look back remember things from 15 20 years ago and how i never saw back then what i see now.
      This week has been horrible so horrible I feel done I just want to stop all this I want to be happy again but again im too scared to face up to the truth. I just cant do it and i geel like such a failure. But your words help more than i could ever say and i am so grateful to all of you on here. Thank you again. You take care of yourself.
      Hugs xxxxxx

    • #130067
      gettingtired
      Participant

      Hey nbumblebee, I know you feel like you can’t face up to it now but I felt like that not so long ago too. It’s taken me a while and if I’m honest I’m still feeling very wobbly about actually leaving but I know I’m getting closer. Please be patient with yourself and as kind as you are to other members on the forum 🧡 Acceptance is one of the hardest parts I’ve found. You’ve already taken huge steps by coming onto the forum/counselling/the knowledge you have now that you didn’t then. Sending a big virtual hug xxxx

      • #130071
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        @gettingtired as always your support whilst going through such tough times yourself amazes me thabk you i think you are an incredable brave lady.
        Thank you so much for your support.
        I really do want to give up i really do i cant see a way out im so miserable but being here hearing all of your support gives me hope and strength thank you sweetie thank you xxxxxx

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