N**********c abuse

[Meerkatlover2025]

Hi all thanks for welcoming me

this was my first proper relationship and I was abused I can hardly believe I’m still saying that. I didn’t realise what was happening until something didn’t feel right and I knew it wasn’t normal and I researched it and n********t abuse hit every single marker on what he was doing.

I’ve got so many stories I survived it for a good few years. I’m going through thinking was it me or him still but everyone I’ve spoke to he said he was abusive.

I went through all the phases love bombing triangulating never been good enough no matter what I did been told ‘if you just do this things will change’ name calling, put downs etc ‘mug etc’ been told I won’t be a good mom to his kids he lied about his health to gain attention and pull me back multiple times saying I could do ‘more’ to fix our relationship I exhausted myself trying.

I also experienced financial abuse and towards the end the baiting me was constant I always felt on edge with him he said everything was my fault he never took no responsibility I was always second guessing his next move, never brought me any pressies for Christmas or birthday etc saying I didn’t deserve it.

Constant moaning no genuine time spent with eachother but he was so different with the ‘new supply’ now he’s gone to her. I lost all my friends due to him they have stuck with him saying he’s a lovely bloke and you won’t find better. Been told by him if I get with anyone else after him I’m dirty I could go on and on.

im just figuring out my path from here I’ve gone from calm to rages it’s horrible. I hope to connect to others on here. So I don’t feel so alone.

[Lisa]

Hi Meerkatlover2025,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

Women’s Aid believes that domestic abuse is a gendered crime and is about power and control. A lot of women believe that abuse is caused by their partner’s mental health condition (for example, n**********c personality disorder). While it is a serious mental health condition, it does not cause abuse. If the abuse were caused by mental illness, a perpetrator would also be abusive to family, friends and co-workers.

Abuse and mental illness can happen at the same time. There are people who have a mental illness and are also abusive to their partners. There are also people who have a mental illness and are healthy and supportive partners.

If your partner was not owning up to their actions, was not admitting to how much they were hurting you, and did not seek out professional help then that’s a sign that your partner wasn’t willing to change. If that’s the case, then the abuse in the relationship tends to continue and escalate over time.

Even if your partner did have a mental illness, there is never an excuse for abuse. Abuse is a choice someone makes in order to maintain power and control over a partner.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here.

Keep posting when you can, there is support here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[lostbetweenthestars]

you have done the best thing  just remeber it wasnt your fault  i have been there and brought the t shirt for it im here if you need any advice

 

take every day as it comes dont rush yourself remeber you are strong x

[Meerkatlover2025]

Thank you lost between the stars I will keep it in mind to contact you.
it was just so hard he also got so angry at me cause I wouldn’t follow his way of thinking he said to me he could physically hurt me over it. He never did but he threatened it he also suggested I unalive myself to at one point near the end, he wouldn’t go to therapists or wasn’t willing to change he felt he was right, I  am taking it as it comes everyday currently hour by hour and I’m sorry you have also been through it. It happens all too often.

[Author]

Posts