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Hello,
In the absence of trying to access counselling I’m trying to use guided self help on the internet.
My husband was emotionally abusive – verbal, intimidating and threatening, coercive control I suppose, a lot of it drink related, became very much a cycle of abuse, a weekly pattern in the end. It keeps coming up with this (detail removed by moderator) Abuse aswell. I want to ensure I’m listening to the right thing. Are they the same thing? Was he a (detail removed by moderator) because he was emotionally abusive? Ironically I have always thought his brother ticked every box for (detail removed by moderator) Personality Disorder but felt my husband was not the same. Maybe I was blind to it and he is just a paler shade. I am confused by it all in the aftermath of separating and going virtually no contact apart from about our children. I worry I’m trying to shoe horn his behaviour into everything I’m reading now. And yet why would I?! My brain feels muddled by it all. Can anyone explain?
Xx
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It is so easy not to see what is directly under our noses. That’s why it’s so much easier to sort out someone else’s problems or clean their house.
My ex has loads of narc traits. We should all have a few otherwise no-one would be able to leave the house! Being a (detail removed by moderator) is not the same as being diagnosed with NPD.
I think so many of us want to find a reason for our partner’s behaviour. I know I did. Ultimately, if they are abusive, they are abusive. We need to find ways of coping with the aftermath. I found the Freedom Programme fantastic for giving the behaviour of an abuser names, so you can call it what it is. It also helps to establish your feelings and work on yourself. It you who have endured an emotional battering, not him.
Pat Craven’s books are good and Why does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. LB is on Youtube too.
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Hi itwillbeokay,
There is never an excuse for abuse. As maddog said, we sometimes find it useful to try and find a reason for a perpetrators behavior. However, there is never a good reason for what they do, they have power and control issues around relationships and women.
He does not have a mental health problem and if he does that is not the cause of his abusive behavior.
Take care and keep posting
Best Wishes,
Lisa
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Thank you. This is all really helpful to read. I’ll check out the YouTube stuff again tonight whilst continuing to paint my furniture.
It’s been (detail removed by moderator) or so since I walked out. He vacates our house we rented today. I went to bed last night and cried and cried and cried, felt like I really missed him. I never allow tears and I never allow thoughts like that in. Last night I couldn’t stop either. I then dreamt about him and his family all night and I’ve woken up depressed and unsettled.
He’s pretty much gone no contact on me. Apart from he will contact before the weekend about me taking the children. Could be that he’s busy moving. It’s a good thing of course. But it’s still hard. And sad.
When does it get easier? How does it ever get easier when you have to be in some sort of contact?
Xx
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It’s very sad and hard to come to terms with the fact that the person you fell in love with is not what you thought. Especially when they can be perfectly ok. My ex withdrew all affwction after I tpld him I didn’t like being grped in my sleep. He is passive aggrssive with bells on. He’s not worth hating but I do feel very very angry about how he’s treated me.
My ex’s 1st wife was minimal contact. She has been no contact now for such a long time.
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