N**********c behaviours ??

[Oceanastar]

I am here mithering again.I am sorry 🙁
So i have had a lovely little chat with a DV worker (who is now by bestest friend in the whole wide world) hes actually helping me but hes used the word n**********c traits.
I am up most nights googling what this means, i have heard the term but now its landed on my doorstep i am reading to try and make sense of my relationship.
My Ex as I have mentioned in a lot of previous posts has had a on off addiction to coke (i didn’t know this but all came to light in the lockdown). I put all lot of his behaviours down to the drugs but i now i am more confused.

The relationship has always seen him isolate himself upstairs gaming. The rows we have had over that game was constant.Up to (detail removed by moderator) with a young family downstairs.
He started not believing in vaccinations and telling me horrific stories about children (i know everyone has a right to their own opinions but this came out of left field). He was going on about all kinds of random theories and didnt believe covid was real. He told me i was (detail removed by moderator) for believing in it, and(detail removed by moderator) it was my fault for agreeing to the knockdowns and restrictions.
He never really helped out with our daughter, playing, bathing, putting her to bed, cooking, cleaning, nursery runs etc. The amount of times i have walked in the rain, snow or ice whilst hes been in bed (i cant drive) to take her to nursery is off the charts. Screaming at me if i woke him up for help or assistance.
He was aggressive with me and punched the wall, kicked the chair i was sat at and ripped the (detail removed by moderator) out the wall but never actually hit me.
He has constantly accused me of cheating, withholding information, changing details (i have never done these things) even went so far to put a camera in our room without my knowledge and hold me down (detail removed by moderator), i wasnt. Hallucinated one night high as kite thinking i was taking heroin (detail removed by moderator),
He has several times after i have attempted to leave said he was going to propose to me and (detail removed by moderator) threatened me with suicide.
My mum died in (detail removed by moderator)  some years ago when i was (detail removed by moderator) and every year i struggle with the (detail removed by moderator), i dont put the tree up until after her day and (detail removed by moderator) he said to me(detail removed by moderator). sorry. But how cruel.
I have argued with him, cried, begged and i have slammed doors i have even smashed a glass in anger (i think although i am wrong to treat someone this way i believe he pushed me to that) But how do i move on from this? How do i make sense of this? I could just about cope with drugs being the cause, then i was told drugs are not a cause and hes an abuser and now I am told i have been living with a n********t.
Is he? any words from you wise women out there because right now everyday is just another revelation. Hes left me in debt, wont leave the family home, wont let me access the home, hes blocked but calling on withed numbers and stressing me out. I just really need some clarity.
I am so sorry i keep posting i wish i had myself together but i dont. I cant see the wood for the trees anymore. I am just aout holding down a full time job, homeless with a toddler x*x

[Lisa]

Hi Oceanastar

You don’t need to apologise for posting, it’s good that you are reaching out here.

Everything you have described is very abusive, it must be a really stressful situation for you. I really hope your DV worker is helping you with housing, if not please contact a support worker through our live chat service to explore your options.

Women’s Aid’s stance that there is no excuse of any kind for perpetrating abuse has to be a clear and absolute message. Linking it with or equating it to any kind of mental health condition such as n********m is not appropriate. By linking domestic abuse to n********m almost medicalises the problem and takes some of the responsibility away from the perpetrator. We believe that perpetrators of abuse are fully responsible for their abusive behaviour. They know what they are doing and they are making a choice to behave that way. I hope this helps a little.

Take care and please keep posting,

Lisa

[Oceanastar]

It does thank you for responding my head is so messed up with everything. I hadnt realised this is a separate thing either apologies 🙁 x*x

[Eggshells]

Hi Oceanastar,

I was raised by a n**********c parent and then went on to marry a n********t.

The world must revolve around the narc and they will do what they need to do to make it so. That almost inevitably leads them to adopt abusive behaviours. They will almost always abuse their partner and their children in order to get them to comply and service their needs.

But here’s the thing. They rarely abuse people outside of their own family circle. Infact, to outsiders, narcs will often appear kind, gentle, altruistic and charismatic.

Narcs have a choice. They can either charm people into providing their n**********c feed or they can abuse people into providing their n**********c feed.

Your ex has chosen abuse for you and your child. That won’t ever change.

So WA are absolutely correct in saying that abuse is a choice. But it is not an entirely separate thing.

Because I was raised by a narc, I learnt (through abuse) how to provide n**********c feed. This made me very attractive to narcs. I attracted them like blood attracts sharks.

The more I learnt about narcs, the more I understood exactly what is was that they were looking for. The more I learnt the more I changed. I made a conscious effort to shed the narcs that surrounded me – I had collected a good number! The more I understood their games, the easier I found it to retire from play. And that’s it. I don’t play their games anymore. They sense that very quickly and narcs really don’t seem to like me anymore.

Do look into n**********c behaviour. You may start to recognise more narcs around you. Estimates suggest that 1/10 people are likely to be narcs. They all choose which people they will charm and which they will abuse to service them.

The more you know, the safer you will be in future. xx

[nbumblebee]

Read read read thats all i can say really. The more you learn about them the better you will feel. No matter how many people told me my husband is a narc I didnt want to admit it. This week after a horrndous weekend i see it i believe it so now im reading as much as i can to lrepare myself to arm myself to help myself.
You should do the same Im not out no where near but I believe you learning about his behaviour and why he did what he did and still does by the sound of it it will help you heal help you understand it wasnt your fault that He did this not you that you cant stop or help or change a narc. Wow cant believe ive just said that myself but its true nothing you did or do will ever change these people. Best we can do is to learn as much as we can keep ourselves safe and in your case as you are out learn to start again a better healthier happier life.

[Eggshells]

N**********c people understand that their behaviour is wrong. They possess competence which means they are aware and they can choose to seek help, just as people with mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression can choose to seek help. They just choose not to.

[Grey Rock]

Hiya. The Dr Ramani YouTube videos really helped me. It might be worth exploring those.

You should find that you can change your phone settings so that unknown numbers are blocked. I had to do this as my ex kept calling from with held numbers as well as his mobile and landline (which I also blocked). He just called and texted incessently, meaning it was actually really hard to use my phone for contacting people. Eventually I did change my phone number though because the police etc also call from with held numbers at times. Although it is something providers sometimes charge for, if it is due to harassment / abuse they will do it for free. It is all more stress that you don’t need at the moment though isn’t it. And that’s exactly why the do it. To disrupt our lives and make things difficult and uncomfortable, milking that last bit of control they have for all it’s worth.

Good luck.
GR

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