Nealy (detail removed by moderator) years

[oknow]

I left nearly (detail removed by moderator) years ago and in some ways i am happy but in other i struggle with the long term damage. Our minds are a strange thing i have suffered from DA all my life in one way or another until now. I am no longer abused by anyone, thanks to therapy and being taught to recognise abusive people within a few mins of meeting people. But that does not help my past.There have been three abusive men in my live, my step father who i bitterly hate, my first partner who i was with for many year although looking back he wasn’t as abusive as i thought at the time, he never punched me or did serious damage it was more scraps i had with him, furthermore we split and then the same thing happen with his wife and he got help, we didnt talk for (detail removed by moderator) years but then became the best of friends simple because he had took himself off for help and when we met again he apologised for his part in our scraps and he had changed, he had become a good man and became a great father, sadly he passed away nearly (detail removed by moderator) years ago now at quite a young age.

I have dealt with these and bounced back but this third one was so abusive and did so much damage i am afraid i will never beable to put it to bed so to speak. I daily wish bad things for him, i wait for some sort of karma to happen and never seems to happen. He destroyed my family, my relationship with my grown up children is nearly none existent, i lost all my friends and had to move area. I have new partner who is the least abusive person i have ever met but i miss my old life i dont mean him, just my home i used to have, how close my little family was, my friends who dont bother with me anymore. However he seems to have everything he has a girlfriend who has children so i see him with his nice cosy family whilst mine has never recovered. He has kept all his friends and seems to have really happy life whist i just pine for my life before he came along.How can that be fair?

Anyone any idea how to deal with this?

Thank you in advance xx

[Starlight]

I am so sorry oknow. You have really struggled and are now dealing with the after effects are your bad relationships.
I understand completely how you feel with regard to alienating your family and friends. I had the same. My advice is to take baby steps in working on your relationships with them. It will take time, but eventually you will see them come around.
I can see it from my childrens side as i put my partner before them and even told my son to leave at one point as he didnt get on with him. They lost respect for me as a Mum as i kept taking my ex partner back after saying i wouldnt. It went on and on and eventually i had alienated everyone by choosing his happiness over everyone elses. Its the guilt and constantly having to justify yourself that makes you do these things.
I have got out of that relationship now and focus on my family and relationships with my close friend and found a new friend too. You can do it, hang in there, we are all here to support each other.

[oknow]

Thank you Starlight, i am trying to rebuild relationship with my children but not doing a very good job, i am really struggling, i do not talk to them about how i feel i just put a smile on and pretend everything is ok however when i get home i cry because it is not the same. I have met new friends but then feel they all want something from me in some way and it is not real friendship. I have CPTSD which leads to me being very distrustful of people, which is catch 22. I am a very considerate person in fact to considerate according to my therapist, which results in me only ever seeming to end up with needy people as friends. It would be so nice to meet people who dont just take but give something back, i.e a two way friendship, this is something that has happened all my life however i wasnt aware of it until all this happened. So i am reluctant to meet new friends but then i miss having friends 🙁 Sometime ignorance is bliss 🙂

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

I think recovery does take time , I too curse ex and his family how they causes disruption in my life , ripped my heart and just carry on with life , I think talking about it to right people help like survivors and counsellors , apologise to kids if u feel u were in situation that u took ex side over there’s , I just cry Infront of my kids if I need to , and they just actually say cry if u need to , I don’t pretend that what happened didn’t hurt me whereas b4 was in denial I just say yes it did hurt

[oknow]

Thank you confused 123 It just dosnt seem to get any easier Christmas is not the same, we used to have family Christmas dinner now im lucky if i see my children and grand children. We were so close before he cam along. I really do not think there is anyway of fixing the damage. Therefore i am more concerned now i guess about dealing with the depression this brings. It is a bit stange because although i was depressed first few months after leaving it is two years later when the reality of what happened, leaving my home, my friends, my children has hit. I am older now and it may well have been easier to bounce when i was younger, i just feel i am reside to a life without family or friends i am to old to start again 🙁

[Tamra]

Hi Oknow

I can see where your coming from I also put my ex before my children and everyone else.
I have since drawn on my relationship with my grown up children and I have said sorry to them for what I put them though. My daughter was the hardest one as she was the one that couldn’t live with us when we moved back in with him years ago – yes I have lived with him twice and both times he cheated and I had to be the one to move out – nice.
I cry with both my children now if I need to as that way they can see the pain and see how I and them were effected. Both of them now hate my ex and speak in an angry manner about him.

I wish you all the best

Xx

[Lisa]

Hi Oknow,

Christmas can be a really hard time for many people as it can remind them of either happier times or harder times when they were with their ex partner.

Sorry to hear you’re feeling sad about the way things have gone with your children. You may feel like you can’t fix the damage caused by your ex but remember that things do change and your children may understand more than you think. Keep trying to rebuild your relationship, don’t give up. Remember what happened to you wasn’t your fault. You managed to get yourself free from him so you can do anything.

I hope you’re having the peaceful day that you deserve.

Best wishes

Lisa

Forum Moderator

[Falling Skys]

Hi oknow

Hope you’re getting through the day.

Due to my abuser things between me and my children are very strained.

My daughters had nothing to do with me since last Christmas, my son has been so manipulated by him he can’t relax in my company.

My son did see me today briefly to open each others gifts.

Hopefully in time things will improve for us both with our children.

I am spending the day with my mum. And much to my surprise after a few tears about not having my children and grandchildren about, it’s turning into the best Christmas ever. I didn’t realise how much I was kept on edge all over the Christmas because of him lossing it and the never ending jibes.

These men will be seen for what they are one day and our children will understand. Just so hard waiting.

[Reeds-not-oaks]

O et al.

My ex was number 3 too. A lifetime of early experiences primed me for the abuse. It took its destructive toll…

My daughter struggles with learnt behaviour. It’s hard but I have vowed to be there, however much she acts out. She hates boundaries. But, she knows in her heart the truth.

My son was ripped away, but, when I found him two years ago I decided to play the long game. I have no doubt in my love for my children. So don’t doubt yours ladies,never. So my advice is take the straight line of true strength/gentle maternal power.

As for what’s left in you. Use that anger. Process it however you can. Don’t let their actions be a cancer in your life.

I now paint out my anger/grief/frustration. But EMDR changed the abuse from the thing that happened, to a thing that happened. Subtle yet powerful.

I choose to use the hunger for an old lifestyle to fight for it for me. Fight for you. What you want back you probably made. Make it again for you.

X. Reeds

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