Nearly ** years on and still haven’t spoke to anyone about my marriage

[Brown]

Ever since I can remember I was physically and mentally abused by my family esp my mother who has always said she didn’t want me or my sisters. She controlled everything I did and I was scar3d of her which was why I agreed to marry a man (detail removed by Moderator) years older then me at the age of (detail removed by Moderator).

I wasn’t happy about the marriage and inexperienced I use to see him which he seem ok and I felt he liked me but then the visits led to touching and kissing which I was nervous about as I had never been with a man because of being scared of my mom.

We ended up getting married and our first night I told him I wasn’t ready for sex as I wasn’t ready for marriage which I thought he would respect which he did well I thought. We kissed and did other things but that was always on his say so he used to get angry or wait for me to finish my studying just so he could initiate foreplay which led to him attempting to have sex but I wasn’t ready so it didn’t happen. I would wake up in the middle of the night to find him on top of me touching me but it was always when he wanted it.

He wasn’t from the UK so when I left him abroad I was happy in away I could carry on with things with my life as the time apart taught me that I didn’t give him what he wanted as I still wasn’t sure he liked or loved me.

Months after I fly back to see him and it was nice we spent time together etc but gradually the time felt limited it was only at night when he wanted to have sex but again I wasn’t sure he wanted to be with me and I wasn’t gonna give into him which I didn’t know he told his family and my mom who was close to him and his family, his brother said he wasn’t a man but I didn’t know all this.

The night came when he stormed out of bed as I didn’t want sex loose my virginity to him yet and next thing I knew my mom came in the room slapped me twice and said I was embarrassing the family and poor him his getting called all sorts, he was sat to my right didn’t look at me head down I was in tears and then my mom left and I can still remember everything I let it happen. I lay there no foreplay or anything just him taking my virginity away and the worse part is he took the sheets and flung them in his brothers face to show them his a man.

This is the hard part was is rape abuse I don’t know as I had sex after with him but again always when he wanted it and then noticed the lack of him spending time with me always at night. I left and flew back again I realised he didn’t want to be with me as he didn’t speak much then I went back again told him I don’t want to get pregnant use a condom but I released 1 time he didn’t have one told him to pull out he said ok but he lay on me knowing I asked him to get off as he was a built guy which I wasn’t happy as I knew fro then he wanted me to have a baby so he can get a visa. It hit me when they asked questions about me to him He knew nothing and after reading this I felt like a mug and demanded a divorce which I’m happy I went through with.

Sorry to go on but (detail removed by Moderator) years yes (detail removed by Moderator) years on I can’t get it out my head as I’m now not because of him but abuse as well growing up afraid to be with a man and feel they will laugh at me. I feel I will never get him to say sorry for what he did as he don’t understand lack of culture but then I want him to suffer but his happily married with 2 kids. My life is a mess and all I want is someone to tell me was this in my head and it wasn’t abuse or it was as I can’t even go for a medical down there as I cried last time as it reminded me of that night.

I needed to get it off my chest I just need to understand and I would love to just a get a sorry of him

[Hereforhelp]

Oh my gosh Brown, I am so sorry your ex husband treated you so badly, your post really struck a chord. Please contact Rape Crisis, I struggled to understand Sexual Abuse, I now know (through the Freedom Programme and rape crisis) that my husband did sexually abuse me.

You said no, he continued (all on his terms) and therefore violated your body. You are free now, you did so much to get away and you are divorced from this awful man. He will be no different with his new family, abusers do not stop or change who they are (they chamge their personality to gain something or control people/situations), they are parasites who replace us with a new host to sink their claws into.

You are amazing Brown, you escaped. The trauma you experienced is a lot, have you had any help? You could start with your GP or your local WA or the live WA chat on here? If you want to ring Rape crisis they are trained in Sexual Abuse and are very kind, understanding and helpful. There’s help out there lovely x*x

[Brown]

Hi thanks for taking time to respond and no I’ve not had help.
I’ve never really spoke about it and now feel I really need to as everything I’ve been through is affecting my moods and how I am with people. I’m just have a lot of anxiety so don’t like going to new places or I don’t know how to start to talk about it in person, I feel if I go to my GP she won’t understand and won’t take me serious

[Hereforhelp]

I can hear how distressed you are. My DA worker once told me to write down the first, the worst and the last memory of abuse, that helped me to write it down and then more and more came out (it still is, I have PTSD from the abuse which is very common with survivors). Talking to Womans Aid also helped and if you have a good GP (I saw a female GP and she was surprisingly understanding and put me in touch with lots of helpful agencies.

When you are ready I think support might help you to move on as you need to let out what has happened, it will eat away at you otherwise and you are a warrior, you left, you know what he did was wrong, now is your time Brown to live ❤
We are here for you.

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