Need a Release again :(

[JessicaJones]

I’m back again. This may be a long rambly post as I just need to get my feelings out.
As I mentioned in my last post (which I have only just got round to replying to due to an episode of intense flashbacks), I have been doing better, long term, but I’m having one of those months this month.
Part of how I deal with everything, which I think happens to a lot of us who have experienced trauma, is I try to avoid anything that reminds me of it. And this forum reminds me of it. Which is why I avoid it. But I also find it the most helpful and supportive place. I feel most understood here.

I go along trying to pretend none of this happened to me, or at least my brain does. It’s not even me doing it consciously. It just happens.

The last few weeks have been rough. I’ve been hardly sleeping. When I have I’ve had nightmares about him. Sweating all the time. Feeling that burning adrenaline and anxiety and hyepervigilance. It’s awful. Truly.
I’m back there. It’s all coming back. And I don’t want it to.

There is a big part of me which is equally furious at myself for still being like this all this time after.
But there is another part of me that says, hey, it’s ok. You’re doing great. Recovery isn’t a smooth road. It’s gonna be ok. The main thing is, you are going in the right direction overall.

I’ve been cycling between moods/feelings/states of mind/(personas?) again.
I honestly feel hopeless. I don’t have therapy. It could still be ages (maybe 1.5-2 years) until I get some. I’ve still never told anyone. I want to. Because, I want to move on. I can’t wait that long. I just can’t. It’s making me want to take some extreme action because I just can’t take it.
But another part of me just feels like giving up. What’s the point.
I feel so abandoned and misunderstood. There is noone to hear me. Noone to listen. Noone to help. My family are about as ignorant and unsupportive as you could get without going into detail.
I count my blessings though and I know that I am lucky in many respects also.
But I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I feel as though I might be on the verge of another breakdown.

The past few days, out of nowhere I’ve been missing him. That hasn’t happened for a really really long time.
I’ve had these feelings like ‘he did love me’, ‘I loved him’, ‘It isn’t his fault’, ‘He’s ill, it’s your fault’.
I feel like it’s my fault again. That I caused all this cause I am evil. There is a girl inside me who genuinely believes that. That it was my fault. Why wouldn’t I believe it? I was made to believe it. So many people made me believe it! And the anger I have towards them, is incontainable. It makes me honestly sick and I am trying no to go into it as I don’t want to type loads of scary stuff that will just be removed.

I need to tell someone 🙁 but there is noone to tell. Who do I tell?
I need it out of me 🙁
It’s making me ill. The only reason I cope is because I disconnect and desensitise from it all completely.
But when it comes back I am just ill. I feel ill right now. I feel as though as I have flu but with loads of anxiety and energy. Instead of feeling lethargic I feel on edge, jumpy, angry, full of anxious energy.
My body is constantly burning like someone injected my veins with boiling liquid.

I am trying so hard to just get on with it. But it’s so hard. I don’t know what to do.

I have different stages. And I recently spend most of my time in the desensitised stage as I said. But although that is good as it prevents me from feeling how I currently fee, it is bad for me as I’m not dealing with what has happened to me. I’m not awake. The desensitisation goes beyond numbness. I have totally different feelings. Totally different memories even. It is so strange. I wish I could explain it to someone. They’re like different people.

But there is nooone to explain it to. I honestly feel like noone gives a ****.
I still feel the nhs thinks I’m making it all up. That it definitely wasn’t as bad as I say and that I’m just a whiny cry baby.
What do I do? I don’t know what to do.
I am currently sat here in a tshirt that is drenched in sweat.
I am in a kind of relaxed state of anxiety/panic and I don’t even know how that is possible but yet it’s how I feel and I don’t know how else to describe it.

I guess I just needed to vent.

I feel like I want to scream ‘someone, please PLEASE HELP ME’. But I’ve already done that. Twice when I’ve had breakdowns I literally did do that. It didn’t do any good. They seemed to just hate me more.

Sigh.

[AlwaysSorry]

You really captured these feelings perfectly. If it helps, my t-shirt is soaked with sweat, too.

Have you thought about writing it out? Even if there is no specific recipient, if you write it out to yourself then you can write whatever you want. Or you could address it directly to him if you feel up to it. You don’t have to ever give it to him, but maybe it would be a way to say some things or take back control for you to do so.

Perhaps it’s time to push a bit for some help with your GP. Maybe you need something to help you sleep for a while to settle you again? I think it sounds like a really long time to wait, surely there must be something they can offer meanwhile if it is a specific kind of therapy you are waitlisted for.

I very much relate to your feelings of doubt, if in fact you somehow deserved this or caused this. I think I’ve always been prone to self blame, I don’t know about you, but it’s something that gets instilled and nurtured in us when with an abuser. But even then, it’s not our fault. It really wasn’t your fault. There will be memories of love, why wouldn’t there? We would have been much equipped to leave if there hadn’t been moments of happiness.

I don’t think you are making any of this up. I believe you went through something horrible. I hope you can make the NHS understand this, or perhaps look to charities to help instead. I would call WA too for some guidance and I think more importantly validation for you.

Keep posting on here as well. There may be some things that have to be anonymised but sometimes it helps to even just write out a rough resume of what happened. I still struggle with a big need for being believed, it’s somehow not enough that I know it happened, so for me it helps to write here.

Take a lovely shower or bath to relax yourself and allow yourself to feel good. I hope you can have a peaceful night without any terrifying reminders x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi JessicaJones

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time atm. I’m glad you posted to seek support, you need to let all this out of your system.

You really are suffering trauma, avoidance and denial are sure signs of it.
My social worker was the first to mention I am going through trauma and I responded no, why would you say that? I haven’t suffered anything, I am fine and I truly believed that. But I got curious and wondered why on earth he would think my experience was traumatic, I looked up trauma and what it means and how people react to it. And there is was. Denying it and believing everything is fine was indeed one of the ways to deal with it. That fitted my description to the dot. I was truly feeling fine at the time. But what happened was so huge that it had to be abnormal. So my feeling fine but living an abnormal experience was conflicting. I tried to rationalise that other people have it far worse than me and I’m not even talking about other survivors of DA but refugees who cross countries separated from their families I find go through a much more traumatic time than me.
I overcame quite a few ordeals in my life but I have to start to admit this (DA) is a shoe size to big for me to deal by myself.

I think you’ll have to admit to yourself you are suffering trauma, acknowledge it and seek support to process it. Validate your experience and give your thoughts and emotions that are coming up because of it a place to rest once and for all.
Go see your GP and tell her/him how this is affecting your health.
Get referred to or search for a trauma counsellor, check out the bacp pages to help you find one.
I sense you are on the verge of explosion so it would most probably help you to talk to someone right away; Samaritans are here to listen, Women’s Aid, Victim Support.

Breathe in and out, drink plenty of water, take a soothing shower.
Sending you a big hug 💞 it will get better honey. Keep posting when it helps you ok darling.

[Author]

Posts