Need a virtual hug!

[Twix]

Today I’m feeling so low, I’ve felt numb, but the floodgates have opened and I’m just sobbing. I feel so sad that my relationship ended the way it did but I also know I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was.

Im still waiting to hear if CPS are charging & I hope they don’t as I feel there’s been so much hurt already I don’t want them to add to it. I loved him so much & the family we had built together, I just feel so alone & lost.

[Footballfan1]

Hi Twix,

I’m giving you a virtual hug 🫂
It’s normal to feel this way.
Take the time to grieve for what you have lost.
Spend time separating the 2 people inside the abuser, the kind loving person, and the horrible abusive person.

It was the kind and loving moments that kept us with them, keep us loving them..
It is a guise.
They do it on purpose to keep you trauma bonded.
If they were abusive all the time, they know we would most likely leave.
Look up trauma bonding, I felt it helped me understand my emotions.
You can grieve for what you lost, but don’t mistake that for being a reason to go back.
You are out, be proud of how brave you are.
The couple of books I read were-
Lundy Bancroft why does he do that and Pat Craven The Dominator.

They helped me process and understand my emotions, and also understand my exs different behaviours.

This is a long journey, don’t rush your healing process.
Take small, daily steps forward.

Keep posting, we are all here for you x*x

[Twix]

Thank you for your kind words, the grief comes in waves & just floors me & it’s because I’m remembering all the good times & what I’d hoped for our future. I never wanted to give up & I think I thought I could rescue him from himself, but now know the only person who could help him was himself.
It’s worse on days I’m on my own & not with kids. Concentrating on work is so hard too. My GP is great & has been supporting me through this. In fact she’s the one who made me realise it was abusive.
I’ll definitely read your recommendations & the trauma bonding makes so much sense.

Thank you again 🙂

[nbumblebee]

Big hug from me.
Feeling sad here too you are not alone. Xxxx

[Twix]

Big hugs all round today! The time of year adds to it, I’m just so glad I was brave enough to open up & post on here & to be able to read & learn from other’s experience. It’s not a path in life any of us ever expected but one I think that with time we can heal & recover from.

[nbumblebee]

Your post touched me. I saw my PT whos like my counsellor today and he asked me whats stopling me from leaving and i said just what you did.
I dont wanna give up I want, I hope he will change even after all this time here I know he doesnt treat me right I know hes nasty at times I know im so unhappy because of him yet still i try.
I too am so glad you posted sweetie keep doing so.
Again sending hugs x

[Marmalade]

Sending a huge virtual hug.
I have been where you are now. Even now, quite a time down the line, I feel so sad sometimes and the loss is like a physical pain, but it has gradually eased over time.
It’s so difficult reconciling the contrasts. We are so intensely bonded to these men, no non abused outsider can ever understand. I would still say my abuser was the love of my life. This is incomprehensible to my friends. The trauma bond is incredibly powerful.
But your brain and rational self can see the bigger picture, see how you are treated, know it is so terribly wrong and see the danger you are in. Then at some point, some tipping point, the brain wins but the pain is awful.
This is normal. It will gradually get better. Lots of self care and keep something as a reminder so if you ever feel so distressed that you may go back /contact him, you can look at the reminder and bring yourself back to reality. These men make our lives about them so their absence leaves a huge hole.
Dont over think the CPS at the moment and don’t, in a wave of emotion, discontinue or refuse to co operate. Think it through. I am also waiting for decisions. I have come to the conclusion that I want my ex charged as I believe if he gets away with it, he could repeat the behaviour and I worry hugely for a future victim. You may also feel at some point that you want justice. So if the CPS want to proceed, allow yourself to weigh everything up and don’t make any decisions when you feel emotional.
Good luck. It gets better but it takes time.

[Twix]

Thanks for the hugs & advice, it’s emotionally draining, & I know I will always love him despite it all, but there’s no going back, I have to move on & as you say self care is what’s important right now. I feel like I’ve been on high alert for so long that I’ve crashed & struggle to become motivated to do anything. Thank god for Netflix! My case is going back to MARAC because of a miscommunication where they thought he was coming home so were concerned there was no safety plan in place. I’ve had to stress that he’s not coming back & that we’re now safe with him away from the house. I only wish the process was quicker so we could put this part of it behind us & take steps to move on.

Sending virtual hugs to all the ladies struggling today & over the Xmas break xx

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