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Hey all, please forgive the long post.
I left an abusive relationship some years ago now. I left everything behind, home, belongings and even went to a new area hundreds of miles away. I settled, got a new home and a new job (no easy feat at the age I am). I “moved on” so to speak but I’m not fully recovered from the trauma. I have nightmares and the thought of dating a man makes me physically sick. I’m resigned to a single life.I know my limitations and I couldn’t survive any more sh*t coming my way.
I enjoy my work but unfortunately a male co-worker mistook my friendship for something else.I was asked out for a drink which I declined, and I started to distance myself from friendly chats and only spoke about work.He started acting weird at this asking if I was upset with him, can’t we be friends etc whilst running after me like am immature teenager .I found all this quite triggering and could see red flags in his words and actions as there was no consideration for my boundaries or wishes.I finally reported it to my boss after he started pestering me outside of work.I have never interacted with him outside of work.They spoke to him, we continued on same shifts and I only spoke about work issues as and when necessary.It was hard at first but I managed to overcome my triggered feelings and get on with it.
Now a few weeks back he approaches me out of nowhere saying he’s asked the manager for the ok to meet me for a “discussion” as he has questions to ask me.It was a bolt out of the blue and I got so traumatised by it I immediately went to management so we could have it out there and then. Of course he wasn’t ready to discuss it then and disappeared off home.I asked my boss to move me off shift as it obviously wasn’t working. He promised me he’d arrange something. To cut a long story short, in the last few days my boss has basically told me it’s been a while I thought you would have got over it, it’s not a work issue and this is the best I can do (I’m now only working a few hours on same shifts with this co-worker.)After that I felt gaslighted, devalued and I’m as bad now emotionally as I was when I left my relationship.Is my past causing me to over react? Am I in the wrong? I’m seriously thinking about leaving a job I love. -
Hello Fudgecake,
Thank you for sharing this, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through.
You are not overreacting at all. Of course this situation and this persons behaviour would be very triggering for you, but aside from that it is, in itself, unacceptable harassing and predatory behaviour.
It sounds like this person has not respected your boundaries and has felt entitled to continue to harass and pursue you, regardless of the fact that you have not reciprocated those feelings and made it clear that this has made you uncomfortable.
It’s good to hear that you have advocated for yourself and reported this to management, but it must be disheartening that it has now been minimised and you feel gaslighted. It should not be an issue to ‘get over’, this person has shown their character and it sounds clear that you don’t feel comfortable around them – It should not be considered a temporary issue.
Do you have an HR team you could speak to about this? Perhaps a female member of HR would have more understanding and might be able to offer further support. If you are a member of a Union, you might also want to speak with them. Alternatively, you could contact the ACAS helpline, who can advise around next steps: https://www.acas.org.uk/contact
This situation should not have to impact your career, it’s not okay to feel forced out of a job you love, but your safety and mental health is absolute priority.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
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