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Hoping for done perspective on a few recent incidents but. Can be withdrawn/moody/short with all of us. Pulls weight with childcare/cleaning/cooking. Generous with his higher wage.
Recent issues:
Unhappy that he does too much at (occasion removed by Moderator), I am ‘flat’ at (occasion removed by Moderator). Shouted at me visiting a very old friend – made me immoral as said friend has cheated. Have generally found him to be lacking in empathy/not very interested in my work or friends.
When ill off work at (occasion removed by Moderator) was good at first getting meds, few days later on when sleeping off a bad chest he threw down (item removed by Moderator) by my head on bed, I felt this was to disturb me and said he was worried he would ‘end up doing everything’
A few choice comments in (month removed by Moderator) – about ‘(quote removed by Moderator)’ ‘I bet x doesn’t have to cook meals’, rang to say kid needed picking up got a ‘ffs’ and hung up on me. Feel being goaded.
Attempted to discuss above and how this hurt my feelings. Back and forth over messages. Became explosive when discussed f2f. Asked if we could go out to discuss marriage, he declined vehemently. Suggested counselling. He says only I need counselling (because of family deaths) not him.
He often shouted over me when I tried to defend myself, called me toxic, an abuser, incapable of a relationship with a man, terrible wife. Would not apologise for comments. Says my grief has over shadowed everything. I said he is never happy. Feel he moves goalposts.
Silent treatment given for few days (not new behaviour) and he did not reply to my texts when away. Silent treatment used against me in front of kids. Asked him to not do this in front of them, ‘(quote removed by Moderator)’.
Only conversation (timeframe removed by Moderator) was to shout at me before work for moving bins, not filling coffee machine. For not appreciating he had (detail removed by Moderator). Said he wanted me to contribute more £££. This was all early am before I left to work. Felt very threatened.
Also said he had ruined his career to do school run (am only for him) and ruined his life by moving to a new area. Said last (number removed by Moderator) years miserable. This has gone on with digs, silent treatment, passive aggression for months. Recent apology but feels empty, has been aggressive to me and kids very soon after apologising. Unsure of how to move on, stuck analysing if this abuse or not. If I can forgive him or afford to leave.
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Hi YellowTedBath,
You’ve described a pattern of domestic abuse. Shouting at you about who you choose to be friends and spend time with is controlling. That’s not something that he should get a say in. Silent treatment, putting you down, shouting, using his moods to punish you, moving goalposts, this is all emotional abuse. The impact that it’s having on you is important as well, his aggression is making you feel threatened. A big part of the control in domestic abuse comes through fear, women change their behaviour to try and avoid the nastier parts of the abuser’s behaviour. It’s not okay and you deserve to feel safe in your own home and live a life that you choose. You could reach out to our Live Chat service to speak with a Women’s Aid worker further about your options around leaving.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa -
Thanks Lisa
I had an apology and he is going to therapy voluntarily.
since that apology, there have been further incidents of verbal aggression and intimidation- more apologies!
I have since found out he pushed our child in an argument.
child said he does now feel safe with dad but does not want me to talk to my partner about.
the self doubt and indecision is crippling me and I’m now getting the silent treatment again
sad that the kids see this as normal
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