Need some help please my brain is scrambled

[Mac22]

Hi all
If anyone could please help me to understand what’s going on for me id be really grateful.
I don’t think I’m being abused but I’m a bit confused. Not sure where to start but my partner has been kind of detached from the beginning of our relationship. At the start everything was fine until I moved into his house and he was very distant and kept cancelling plans with me to see friends. I also have friends and understand how important it is to have a separate life however was hurt that he kept cancelling plans with me to go out until the early hours (no problem if we didn’t have plans). I did eventually cry and shout at him after repeatedly asking if we could go out, which I’m not at all proud of, can see where this was toxic and am addressing this in therapy.
Then we looked after (detail removed by Moderator) dog and his behaviour was extremely scary. He kicked, hit, dragged, and screamed at the dog. I told him it was unacceptable and proven not to be effective. I was also disgusted as I couldn’t imagine kicking an animal but kept that to myself as I didn’t want to seem judgmental (thought that calmly talking may help him to see that he had anger issues). I told him that if it were to happen again I would leave. We agreed not to have the dog again, however (detail removed by Moderator) later he informed me we were having him again. He is (detail removed by Moderator) and very energetic and not trained so can be frustrating at times. He again abused the dog, though didn’t hit or kick it. But constant screaming, dragging it around, including (detail removed by Moderator) because ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’. I again brought up that it was not effective, scary, and damaging to the dog. He explained the ‘alpha male’ thing and that that’s how his (detail removed by Moderator) trained her dog and worked. (detail removed by Moderator) later came to collect the dog, I had packed my bags as I was scared, and told her what had happened (I did leave). (detail removed by Moderator). I didn’t take the decision to tell her lightly as I was scared I was causing trouble but ultimately my fear of him having the dog alone outgrew my fear of causing problems. I did offload on her about problems in the relationship (she asked if there was abuse) and all the issues came out. I can see this was wrong but I was very emotional. I told him I felt that I was being blamed and that his behaviour was what caused the problem, however he said I’m painting him to be a (detail removed by Moderator).
He has put his hands round my throat (detail removed by Moderator), (detail removed by Moderator) whilst play fighting and the others just whilst going about daily life. It’s just a light hold, no squeezing but I have explained multiple times that I don’t like it, it scares me, and explain why (detail removed by Moderator). When I apoke to him about boundaries and how I felt that he wasn’t respecting mine he said it was just a joke, and couldn’t guarantee it won’t happen again as it is just playing around and again, he felt I was calling him a (detail removed by Moderator). Before the throat thing it was pretending to punch me (detail removed by Moderator), when I finally snapped and shouted, he mimicked my voice and walked away.
When discussing how I felt lonely as he kept cancelling plans he told me that I hadn’t looked at it from his perspective, and that I was going (detail removed by Moderator)? This makes me think he was withholding spending time with me as I had a pre booked (detail removed by Moderator) and he didn’t like it. Or that he was trying to make me shut up? Not sure. He also refuses to apologise when I’m upset, says he can’t win, and that nothing is good enough for me.
I’m sorry if this is exhausting. I do have low self esteem (i worked hard on building myself up before I got into this relationship) and feel like I’m going insane and being dramatic. Maybe nothing is good enough for me and I’m the toxic one, and don’t appreciate him enough. Maybe I’m just over analysing things to self sabotage? The dog thing is really the only thing that’s enabling me to believe that there is a problem, and I’m somehow gaslighting myself to believe it’s not that bad. When I think of the way he was with the dog I’m disgusted, but also disgusted with myself that I would stay with someone that would do that because my self esteem is so low that I’ve convinced myself it wasn’t that bad. It’s very hard for me to view objectively as he is such a nice person in daily life so I keep convincing myself that I’m imagining it. I do want to leave but when we meet to discuss it, I don’t end up saying that I want to separate because he convinces me that I’m the problem (not in aggressive manner), then I start to see all the things I’ve done that have hurt him (shouting,crying,passive aggressive), convince myself I’m a n********t, then leave feeling suicidal. I was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety (detail removed by Moderator) so this again makes me question whether there are signs of abuse, or whether I’m just being dramatic.
Thank you very much for reading. Any words of wisdom are much appreciated. Sorry if that was exhausting!

[Bananaboat]

Hello and welcome. Well reading your post I’d say there’s lots of signs your partner is abusive. A lot of your examples are him exerting his power over you – leaving you to go out with his mates is an example, to the point you’re crying begging for some time & affection then cue gaslighting of saying you’re the one at fault. Don’t apologise for ‘losing it’ – he pushed you to get that reaction. Hurting animals is another sign, having a go at you for disclosing private business, the hands round the throat in ‘jest’ but really it’s a ‘I’m stronger than you don’t forget it’ tactic. If you haven’t already then I’d suggest reading Lundy Bancroft’s book, ‘why does he do that’. You worry about hurting him but hasn’t he hurt you …and done nothing to change that. You deserve more than this xx

[Apricot]

Hi Mac22 and welcome, I’m so glad you’ve posted here and thank you for sharing your experiences.

I’m quite new here too and only recently left an abusive relationship. I still find it hard to accept that it was abusive but I’m starting to view that acceptance as a journey and all part of my recovery. I think it is something that many of the women here have experienced.

I want to start by saying that yes – I think your relationship is abusive. Some of the things you describe remind me so much of my own relationship, particularly in the early days. My partner also used to be distant in the early days and I felt I was always the one chasing him for attention. He was hot and then cold. I felt very confused. Looking back I wonder if that might have been deliberate. A way of testing my boundaries and snaring me. I was constantly trying to win his affection.

You have described a lack of respect for you and your boundaries, belittling and controlling behaviour, and gaslighting. His aggression towards the (detail removed by Moderator) must have been very upsetting and I’m not at all surprised that it set off alarm bells. I think you were right to be concerned. Not respecting you when you say you don’t want his hands around your throat is troubling both because he’s ignoring your boundaries and because it is a threatening act. My partner strangled me several times. Looking back at pictures I noticed his hands on my throat in a “playful” way in a few pictures. It’s a very controlling gesture.

You have expressed your boundaries to your partner very clearly and he has chosen to ignore them. That is not something that should happen in a healthy relationship. Expressing your concerns to (detail removed by Moderator) was absolutely the right thing to do. Telling you that you shouldn’t have done that sounds like an attempt at isolating and controlling you.

You are not a n********t. I know that because you are questioning whether you might be – and that’s something a n********t would never do. No one is perfect in a relationship. We all have insecurities and bad days. We all shout and cry and argue sometimes. That doesn’t make you abusive – it makes you human. It certainly does not mean that you are in any way responsible for the abuse.

Your behaviour isn’t toxic. If someone loves you and cares for you – they want to spend time with you. They make space for you in their life. They don’t cancel on you constantly. They don’t blame you for everything. Does your partner ever take responsibility for their behaviour? Do they ever take your concerns seriously? Or is it always your fault?

You deserve so much better than this. And I think you know that deep in your heart. You don’t owe this man anything. You deserve to be loved, supported and cared for. You shouldn’t be afraid, feeling guilty, blaming yourself, questioning if you are a n********t or toxic. And a relationship shouldn’t leave you feeling suicidal.

You’ve been working hard on yourself to build up your self-esteem. You mentioned you’re in counselling and have been diagnosed with anxiety. Talk to your counsellor about your relationship and be totally honest. Perhaps ask if they have experience working with women who have suffered domestic abuse or if they can refer you to someone who does. I used therapy as a way to cope with a bad situation, rather than seeing it for what it really was. Don’t let him steal your peace lovely, don’t let him drag you down. Keep on posting and reaching out for help – sending love xx

[AmethystLight]

Hello and welcome! I’m also quite new to the forum and recently posted something sort of similar about my ex.

Despite the breakup being a long time ago, I have only recently realised his behaviour was abusive because it was subtle and not as overt as a lot of portrayals of abuse show.

He didn’t hit me, control my every move, or abuse me financially. He controlled me through anger and conditioning so he would always get his own way, but the rest of the time could be completely normal, reasonable, funny and nice. This type of person will shout at you, then turn it into a joke afterwards. I also felt guilty sharing things outside of the relationship, because that is how they condition you. I didn’t share anything with my close friends bevy of the guilt, but I really wish I had. I am slowly accepting now that it was emotional abuse, even though I still doubt myself all the time.

I just wanted to reply because I see a lot of myself in your post. I too thought I was passive aggressive, anxious, and unappreciative of what my ex was offering. I thought I was in the wrong – but I absolutely wasn’t.

My ex used to leave me at home and go out drinking all the time, never invited me to hang out with his friends, and basically left me alone for entire weekends. And then told me I was being too clingy when I asked him to spend time with me. I was often passive aggressive, shouty, angry and even once threw something in his direction during an argument. I’m not proud of it, and it was wrong, but I see now that it was a reaction to emotional abuse. This behaviour isn’t ‘me’.

Being passive aggressive can be a trauma response to constantly having your needs and emotions dismissed. Over time, you learn not to bother expressing them, so they come out in other indirect ways because there is no other safe way to communicate them that won’t end up in an argument.

I am now in a healthy relationship and I have not once been passive aggressive towards my new partner because there is no need. I can simply share my feelings, and I get heard, respected and listened to (although I still get huge anxiety when sharing my feelings due to so many years of them being dismissed, and sometimes have an urge to resort to passive aggression due to my past, but I’m working on this). If I say I don’t like a joke or that something he did crossed my boundary, he will very quickly apologise and never do it again.

When I first broke up with my abusive ex I did a lot of soul-searching. I thought I was too anxious, needy, clingy, toxic, codependent, and bad at communicating. I worried I was selfish and n**********c. I read so many self-help books and watched loads of videos on these topics.

However, while it’s always good to self-reflect and improve yourself, I’ve since realised that I am none of those things. I was blaming myself and looking inward, because I hadn’t recognised the abuse yet, when actually those behaviours were natural responses to how I was treated. It’s never a bad thing to work on yourself and your mental health, but always do it for YOU, not because of what someone else says or does to you.

I would say that yes, your partner is abusive, and the treatment of the dog is very very worrying. Don’t second-guess yourself.

Early in our relationship my ex once held me down as a ‘joke’ to stop me leaving. When I got upset, he then made jokes that he couldn’t believe I was ‘calling him an abuser’ just for playfully holding me down. He joked about it for years!

Everyone can accidentally cross a boundary from time to time – it can be fun to play around together and have fun as a couple, play fights etc, but the second it crosses someone’s boundary it should stop and be addressed, and should never happen again. It is a huge red flag if it is repeated over and over, even if you have expressed you don’t like it.

Healthy relationships are a constant, ever-shifting balance of two people’s needs and boundaries, with both holding equal importance in the relationship and both treated with respect, love and kindness.

Sorry for the long post! I just recognised so much of my past self in your post that I wanted to share my experience and what I’ve learned so far.

Stay safe, stay strong, listen to yourself and what you need, and keep posting on here. We’re all here to support you x

[gemgirl]

Hello, I haven’t read all of these replies but I’m glad that you’re on this forum and are reaching out to get an external perspective. I think it can feel difficult to know whether to apply the “abusive” label to an intimate partner – I certainly still find this a weird one even after being out of the relationship, even though friends of mine described my ex-partner’s behaviour as such – because it’s a big word and feels very dark, when obviously you see that person’s “good side” too.

I agree with those who’ve pointed out specifically abusive behaviours here, but I think that perhaps more important than arriving at the correct label is actually looking at how he is making you feel and whether it is likely to change. It sounds like there is not space within the relationship for compromise or for you to express yourself and be heard. I also wonder whether your partner is manipulating his knowledge of the fact that you have some mental health diagnoses to make you feel more “crazy” and that your comments about him or the relationship aren’t valid.

I know how frustrating it can be when the tables are flipped around, when subtly emotionally manipulative behaviour makes you feel so trapped and upset that you get angry and then your anger is held against you (only he is allowed to be angry, I guess?). You mention feeling suicidal after you have these interactions with your partner and I think this is a glaring sign that something is seriously not right in the relationship.

What do you have to gain by staying in the relationship? Intimacy, company, sex, and the comfort of having a partner? What is the cost at which you are currently receiving these “benefits”? Is it feeling unsafe, unheard, frustrated and ultimately suicidal because the anger that you’re not allowed to express at him gets turned inwards? As you consider whether it’s worth paying this price, and whether leaving the relationship would be possible or the right thing for you, I suggest that you continue to seek external perspectives from people in your life who have your best interests at heart and aren’t him, whether this is your therapist, friends, family, or this forum.

Sending you some warmth and light, we are here for you.

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