Need some perspective

[Waving not drowning]

Hi guys

This has been another horrific week. I keep thinking surely this is bottom but it just gets worse and worse.

My ex has been playing an awful lot of mind games and wondered if anyone has experience of this specific kind of mixed messages.

He wears his wedding ring still and has said that he doesn’t want a divorce but that he also doesn’t want a romantic relationship with me ever again. I told him it’s too distressing for me to stay married and I want to move on.

He says he needs time to heal – I sort of get that – but there’s an insinuation that after a lengthy amount of time (he’s been specific about the minimum time he ‘needs’ to be ‘alone’) that we could open a ‘conversation’ about our marriage.

That to me seems like he wants his time of separation but also wants the door kept open in case he seems to want me again… he’s made it very clear that he doesn’t want me (and I am really struggling with the discard and rejection to be honest) and when pushed he said that he doesn’t want to ever be in a relationship with me again but again doesn’t want to get a divorce.

Im so confused. I have filed my petition any way – apparently I was wrong to do that and I must be sure to tell everyone that it was my decision to divorce (not sure who these everyone people are but there you go)…

What is your take on this? I haven’t been able to get out of bed today for crying and my stomach is upset with all the anxiety 😟

[Bananaboat]

Hello, sending a big hug. Isn’t it funny how in these relationships how much we care about what they want, how they feel, trying not to hurt them – desperately hoping they’d think the same way or at least recognise our efforts. Sadly, nothing you do or say will be right, he will always have to ‘win’, in his version you’ll always be the bad guy and he’ll always be the victim. So, with that in mind – what do YOU want? What are your boundaries/requests he needs to meet if you were ever to try again? Being empathetic, caring ppl all this comes hard to us, and they’ll play on that to make you feel bad – like you are, and to make you doubt your decision and potentially become compliant again. You say you want to move on, so do that. He’ll have a tantrum either way, he’ll threaten to tell the world but keep going. You’re strong, don’t let him keep hurting you x x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Waving not drowning

I am sorry that you have been put through this and made to feel so distraught by him. Its all control. Probably a lot of image damage limitation by him too.

He sounds exactly like an ex of mine. You might want a divorce, and quite rights need that divorce, which, by the way, he cannot stop you doing whether he wants it or not, you will just be granted it if he doesn’t appear or respond in any way, he is not going to just ‘let you’ do what you want or need and must dictate the terms of it.

You are separate to him and can act independently of him, and in fact it will help you immensely to do so, as his words don’t have any impact on you getting your divorce you want, on the grounds you want, whether that be on the grounds of abuse, or on a no-fault basis.

Well done for getting this under way. I would give up speaking to him because all he wants to do is cause you as much pain as he can, and he will. Its you that will need to step back and separate yourself from his well of pain to preserve and protect yourself.

I do hope you find some comfort from reading and posting here, knowing that you are not alone and that we understand what this is like and how painful it is.

warmest wishes

ts

[Waving not drowning]

Thanks both.

I’m just so hurt by the fact he is so resolute and final about not wanting a relationship with me. What have I done wrong?

And wanting to keep me married to him on the off chance years later that we could have a conversation about being back together???

Also he won’t discuss the marriage at all. Hands down refuses and says he doesn’t want to. But then says I’m his best friend and he wants me as that.

You guys are right I need to stop thinking about his thoughts and focus on mine – but they keep playing tricks on me telling me I want him back 🙁 I’ve spent all week listening to Dr Ramani and I feel like I’ve gone backwards not forwards in acceptance and it’s literally breaking me. My only day to myself today and I’ve not left bed 🙁

[Shazza]

You haven’t done anything wrong at all waving not drowning. It sounds to me like he is playing games with you to confuse you. He wants you to feel like there is something wrong with you (when there isnt) as he wants you to feel grateful to him if he does decide at some point that he wants to be with you. He wants you to feel like you arent good enough. He is trying to make sure he keeps you in this state of confusion so that he can carry on doing these things to you.

Like the others have said, try not to think about what he wants, concentrate on what you want and only you. I know it hurts to think that they don’t want you. It makes you feel like there is something wrong with you. But I promise there is nothing wrong with you- there is something wrong with him.
He doesn’t like that you have taken back some control and made a decision based on what you need.
It’s ok to feel like you are going backwards sometimes, I often feel like that, and all the conflicting emotions and feelings can be really confusing. Just try and keep in mind why you have made this decision. Be kind to yourself. Sending massive hugs x

[KillingMeSlowly]

You ask:

What have I done wrong?

Well, I think that he is trying to regain control by telling you what to do. You have rejected him by asking for the divorce and as you no longer wish to be with him, he is countering it by saying well I don’t want to be with you any way. In asking for the divorce, you took your power back and you took control of the situation. Abusers don’t like that.

So it has nothing to do with you as a person or what you did or didn’t do in the relationship. It is all just part of the abusive dynamic.

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