Need someone to talk to

[Oakheart]

Hi Everyone,

I have never posted before but I’m looking for someone to talk to. I don’t know if I should even be calling organisations like womens aid, if I do am I taking valuable time away from someone who really needs help?

Heres what is going on sorry for the long post, any advice would be really nice as I feel quite incapable just now.

I broke up with my boyfriend (detail removed by moderator) because he was messaging and trying to meet up with other women. I moved out and moved to the city I actually work in. However we kept contact and decided to try things again. I went to visit him before lockdown and it turned very nasty. He looked through my phone and found photos of me hanging out with my flatmates and their friends who are male. The photos are innocent, I would never do anything to betray him but he flipped and he beat me. I stayed with him for (detail removed by moderator) after that, during those weeks he was very threatening, he would say scary things or pretend to punch me. I then ended up leaving and going home because he threatened to kill me.

I know I should have cut contact then but I was so confused and heartbroken. I have tried to cut contact since but I cant stay away. Even after the things he has done I have no negative feelings towards him, I absolutely love him. We have been getting into arguments alot because he has asked me many times now to visit him and I keep saying no because I’m scared. He is saying that I’m nasty because I am playing with his feelings and mugging him off by not visiting and its messing him up. He had also said that I turned him into this. I’m now worried that I have been playing with his feelings and I feel incredibly guilty. I also feel horrible for possibly turning him into this and that he fully believes it was because of me. I worry about him so much.

I blocked him at the weekend but caved again and we spoke today. He has asked me again to visit him (detail removed by moderator). I really want to but I know that’s not what I should do. But I love him so much and I cant abandon him. When we speak he always has so much hope for us and I dont want to hurt his feelings. I also want to beleive what he is saying.

Iv lost everything without him, the city I loved and my home. I miss it and want it back so badly.

I’m scared, I’m lonley, Im heartbroken and I dont know how to fix this. Thank you for reading x

[Lisa]

Hi Oakheart

Welcome to the forum! I hope you find it a supportive place to be. I’m sorry to hear about your situation.

Your boyfriend sounds very dangerous and I am really concerned for your safety. You haven’t done anything wrong yet your boyfriend tries to blame you when he has been very abusive and it sounds like you are just not sure what to do next which is understandable. This relationship is not healthy and if you take him back, nothing would have changed and it’s really worrying that he may harm you again. It’s clear that you are frightened of him, his physical violence and threats to kill are really concerning. You don’t deserve to be treated this way.

I know that having no contact is hard for you, but with the right support in place it will get easier, you are in the right place here and you can get support from other survivors. You could also get in touch with your local domestic abuse service which you can find here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Take care and please keep posting to let us know how you are.

Lisa

[Wants To Help]

Hi Oakheart,

So sorry to read how down you are feeling, but from what you have posted about your boyfriend I cannot read any redeeming features about him. Sorry for being so blunt, but he has beaten you up and you are clearly, and rightly, afraid of him. You are avoiding going to see him again, so your gut instinct is telling you this is not a relationship you should re-enter, please trust your gut.

Write a list of what you actually love about him. What are his qualities that nurture you and enhance your well-being. How does he bring you comfort, make you feel secure, safe and loved?

You have not abandoned him. You have left him for a reason. That reason being that he is jealous, insecure, controlling, abusive, violent, manipulative. He does not want to be an equal partner in your life, he wants to own you and control your life. He feels ‘entitled’ and that he can behave however he wants but you cannot behave how you want to. One rule for him and another rule for you.

But you know this. You are so hesitant to go and see him again, deep down you know nothing good can come of it. Ending a relationship with someone you love is always hard, it doesn’t matter whether it was abusive or not abusive, losing someone you love is never easy. With the current Covid-19 situation it is harder to divert our feelings of loneliness elsewhere because there is nowhere to go and meet up with friends for a distraction.

Can you use this time to research on line what domestic abuse is, what controlling and coercive behaviour is, watch some You Tube videos on domestic abuse? Find something that is factual that will back up your gut instinct. You are currently out of this relationship, you are fortunate. Please do not dip your toe back in; from the history you have described I can guarantee you that it will NEVER get better. His next girlfriend will not get a ‘wonderful man’ that you have somehow missed out on because you never gave him another chance. Wish him well and leave him in the past.

[Author]

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