Need support

[Kellym]

Hi everyone
I’m not new here but need support today
I lost a baby some weeks back which really really has effected me.
Days after my d&c he told me it was my fault and I haven’t stopped talking to him about it. Since then i feel like I blocked myself from grieving, I haven’t cried about it since or I feel like I can’t “feel” anymore, he is bad but I never thought he wouldn’t let me grieve in peace!
It came to a head the weekend and I popped I told him how wrong I thought he’d been in the weeks after and I just lost it, he then chased me and punched me round the face, took my child’s I pad and smashed it up and told him he was a traitor because he wanted to come with me when I left the house.
He then made us come back by using threats then just carried on so we ran out again, it made my son physically sick every where in the car, and now here I am again finding myself asking him not to leave because, well I don’t know why!!!
Why can’t I realise how bad this is for me and my children why do I not want to leave him! Is it a trauma bond or is it because I know he can be nice
My head is in such a bad place I’m questioning if it’s all me because of my hormones from ivf meds and still having hormones from the lost pregnancy,
I’m scared I’ll never be able to have anymore kids without him becuase ivf is my only option, I just really really need some support as I am terribly lost right now

He even called the police on me after he held me by throat and told me it was my fault I lost his baby all over just a stressful morning getting the kids ready for school
It’s making me feel like I’m literally going mad and it is me not him

Thank you I hope you’re all well

X*x

[KIP.]

Living with abuse makes us feel like we are going mad. Please contact your local womens aid for support. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and google the cycle of abuse. None of this is your fault. He is responsible for his own behaviour. And it will only get worse. Yes there will be trauma bonding. What he’s doing to you is illegal domestic abuse and what he’s doing is also child abuse. Your child must be so scared. You both need help to get out of this situation. There will be terrible long term consequences for your child because of the abuse they have to witness. Please start reaching out for support. You have a child that needs you and looks to you for safety x

[terribleheadspace]

I’m sorry that you lost your baby.
That is not your fault.
Holding you by your throat is dangerous, very strong indicator of some possibly very serious outcomes.
Please try to find some support, it sounds like you are in a very serious situation.
Try to think things through like …..How can someone who strangles you be nice? How can someone make your child so frightened that they throw up and deep down be a nice person?
Though let me say I understand. I think the only way to help get out of this situation is to walk it through logically as emotions can always change. What are the facts of your situation?

How can someone love you, if they terrify you- the two cant connect it’s impossible- thats what we find so hard i think, we have two very strong signals given to us at the same time, love and fear…. that’s how we get so confused.

Again I’m so sorry you lost your baby

[Sunnydaze123]

Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. You have every right to grieve for as long as you feel you need to. Of course your hormones will be all over the place, but that’s ok and perfectly normal. Your husband should be there to support you through this.
I can’t comment on why you haven’t been able to leave yet, I’m still trying to figure out why I can’t leave my own emotionally abusive relationship. Just know that you’re stronger than you’re probably giving yourself credit for though.
I grew up in a very similar environment of seeing my dad rage and hit my mum, and I would encourage you to try to leave for your little boy’s sake if you can’t do it for yourself. Is staying in a shelter for a few days an option perhaps?
I understand your worry about not having any more kids if you leave him (I have the same worry about not having anymore children if I leave), but equally you could go on to meet someone else who would support you through the IVF journey with love and empathy.
I hope you and your little boy get the happier future you deserve, no matter what decision you decide to make x

[Kellym]

Hi guys

Thank you so much for your kind words it’s really nice to have the support.

I’m having a terrible day he has been gone for two nights and now I have found messages that’s he has been messaging to another girl. They are disgusting his now blaming me saying I should have listened and shouldn’t have told him to leave.

I’m doubting myself I feel guilty on me on my kids what have I done to them!! I’ve ruined their family unit, I don’t deserve them.

I did ask him to leave because for weeks after the miscarriage any little bicker he was telling me he didn’t want me or calling me fat.

I wish I just kept my mouth shut now

Please help me

[terribleheadspace]

It is his choice to abuse, it is his choice to look towards another- this is not your fault.
You have not destroyed the family unit, you are trying to protect yourself and those who are vulnerable from abuse.
You are trying to protect.
It is not your fault.
He chooses his behaviour you dont.
He can say what he wants, his actions are his own, his words his own. He is taking no responsibility and trying to make it a you issue.
It’s not.

[Marmalade]

I agree with what KIP said.
This man is abusing you and abusing your children. Your poor child must have been so terrified.
You have not done anything bad to your kids by asking him to leave. You have not ruined their family unit. He has. He has abused them. This man is dangerous for you and them. You have been incredibly brave and strong for yourself and for them in asking him to go.
Please see him leaving as an opportunity to make a better life for your children. I know how strong the trauma bond must be to him. I have been there, I know how impossibly hard this is but your children rely on you to keep them safe. Please use this situation as an opportunity to reach out for help from your local DA agency. Both you and your children deserve a far better life than this man can offer.

[Work-In-Progress]

I’m so sorry to hear all the things you’ve been going though, this all sounds so difficult. You made the right choice telling him to leave, and that was putting your children first. They may not understand it at the moment, but in the long term it is best for you and them.

Stay strong, I know this must be so difficult right now, but you’re doing so well x*x

[Author]

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