- This topic has 7 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 6 days, 13 hours ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I have been with him the past (number removed by Moderator) years. He’s always been abusive. He’s affected me in so many ways and I was so in denial. We moved in with our roommate (timeframe removed by Moderator) and it’s been hell. He’s been so bad to me and I have for the past few months moved back in with my (relative removed by Moderator) but I’m still paying rent in that house. It’s a lot of money and I told him already I didn’t want to renew the lease. However he told me I was selfish and ‘r******d’ for thinking that was fair because apparently it would make him and the room mate homeless. It wouldn’t as they can find somewhere else to live but he’s making me feel bad about it and I don’t know if I can stand my ground I feel like I’m selfish for not wanting to live with them and renew the lease
-
I hope that writing the post has helped you to see the situation a bit more clearly.
You do have the choice of course, to keep paying the rent for these 2 people. That would probably suit them quite well.
Sometimes ladies on here question why abusers do it, and this is a really good example of why. It’s not glamorous or interesting, it’s just mundane. They get real world benefits out of it. They get us washing their dishes, cooking their food, feeding and walking their pets, bringing up their children, giving them validation and admiration, giving them sex, running around after them in every aspect of life, and quite often, as if that wasn’t enough, going out to work so we can pay for their housing, lend them money, buy them cars or gifts.Of course they’re not going to let those benefits go. They’ll do whatever they need to do to keep them. By threat, fist and ‘love’ too.
-
Thankyou for your reply. I feel so dramatic and more alone than I have ever felt. I hate going against him and I just feel scared. I don’t know if I should keep reminding him to look for somewhere as I’m worried when the time comes he wouldn’t have done it then I’ll have to keep paying rent. Idk I just want him out of my life and I am feeling this whole wave of sadness and anxiety that I was in denial for so long and wasted so many years of my life
-
-
If these were 2 same sex roommates would it be such a difficult decision? It may help to look at it that way. If you’d been living with 2 girls who’d treated you SO badly that you’d had to move out, even though that was costing you a fortune in rent that you weren’t getting anything for. When it came to renew the lease you’d say no. Also you’d pursue them legally for your share of any deposit due back. If they turned round and started calling you names because you were ‘making them homeless’ you’d laugh at them. You’d say, quite rightly, that they made themselves homeless when they decided to make your life intolerable. Not your problem. If they started being suddenly nice and sweet to you around the time that the lease was due, you’d laugh at them, you’d see right through it. Any promises of change you’d reject out of hand, they had their chance and they chose to be nasty, WHY on earth would they change now?
You would be able to see them as adults who were reaping the results of their behaviour and decisions.
That’s how we should be able to see these abusers.
Unfortunately there’s quite often a ‘victim’ or helpless child element that they bring into these relationships which mean that we find it hard to see them for what they are.-
This is so true thankyou so much. He’s sent a lot of messages saying I am making him and this room mate homeless. And how they have mental health issues how could I do this to them and be so selfish. How he doesn’t make enough money to pay the rent if I move out. I just have so much guilt as I don’t like seeing anyone struggle but he has been so abusive to me that I just can’t do it anymore and I find hard to cope with being hated by 2 people. I find it hard the thought of him bitching to all his friends about me and making me the villian
-
-
I know what you mean about feeling terribly alone, and imagining them telling the whole world how awful we are, and everyone gasping in shock at what a horrible person we are.
I’m no expert, but judging from my own experience and those of the people on this forum and in my life who I’ve talked to, this is very very normal to feel this way.Theres something about what abusers do which taps into a real terror in us, about how deep down awful we are.
Truth is, we’re not. It’s pure projection. It’s everything that’s inside them that they accuse us of. It’s all about them.
When he calls you selfish he’s talking about himself.
After a few months out of the abusive relationship I started to come out of this. -
I don’t know how exactly I came through it. I think I just decided completely to trust in myself. To trust that I wasn’t the awful person he was trying to convince me I was. Just shrug it off, just refuse to let his voice define you. Just trust yourself. Right or wrong ( you won’t always be right, you’ll still f**k things up sometimes.) But right or wrong just plump for listening to your own voice. No matter what. Whenever you hear his critical voice in your head ( it will have become a part of you by now) reject it. Just say no. Say no to anything, any voice, any thought, any doubt, that isn’t your own deepest true voice.
If he makes you out to be the villain …enjoy! Let him. Have a little Glen Close moment. -
P.S. on a practical level. Would it be possible to find out what your legal situation is? I’m guessing that it won’t be too difficult to find out. Many solicitors give a half hour free for example. Or maybe pop into a local letting agency and ask them what the legal situation is. You may even find it on the internet.
is it a long time until the lease is due for renewal? If so, would it be worth trying to see whether you can end it early?
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
