Needing some help – it’s all getting to me again

[White Rose]

I’m struggling big time after doing so well and don’t know how to deal with it.
It’s “x” years since I left, “x+1” or so since the penny dropped that he was abusing me. Both events were in the last couple of calendar months of the years they happened in so it’s sort of a double anniversary at this time of the year for me. It also ties in with the month of the start of our daughter’s serious mental health episode so I really HATE this time of year!!!
I’m getting flashbacks I’m getting panicky I’m snappy I’m not sleeping I feel anxious all the time can’t concentrate I’m crying – basically a bit of a wreck.
He’s made contact again – petty little thing but blown out of all proportion. His contact rattled my confidence, telling me how to do things giving me advice on something to so with our daughter. Making me feel useless and small and bringing it all back.
I spoke to an old friend – (she hates him!) She told me to go to the police again. What’s the point? They’ll maybe talk to him but he’ll bluff his way out of it. To anyone else the message isnt particarly unpleasant but its the undertone of nastiness and control in it that I recognise all too well. Theres still a final financial settlement aspect of the divorce to deal with so I can’t totally cut contact just yet – not unless I want to be done out of even more money than he’s conned me out of so far! Solicitor will step in if needed but wants us to try to sort ourselves to save me money.
I know no contact is the best advice and I am being strict again
I can’t go to his address (detail removed by moderator) and I refuse to play his game with counter attack contact so I need to find ways of coping. I don’t want it to get to me like it did before, I don’t want to feel so hopeless and that there was no point going on because there is a reason to go on.
Sorry to ask yet again for help when I’ve been reduced to a pathetic quivering heap yet again. I hoped I was “over” that, maybe I never will be?

[shine bright 2]

Hi White Rose,

Your post really struck a cord. I been out a while too, but he still knows how to get me. Even with the non mol he knows how to get to me. He gave a gift for me to a neighbour…really wouldnt seem like a big deal to anyone else but left me in bits.
I get what u say about anniverseries…im always feel like this time last year he did this, (detail removed by moderator)years ago he did that.
I know you dont want to be done out of money but cant you just communicate through your solicitor? Sometimes i feel like any bit of communication gives them a chance to get into your mind and see the chincks in your armour.
Im just starting divorce, but whatever he says you are divorcing him…you are getting him out of your life…and he knows that. You say about remembering the problem your daughter had…but youve done the right thing to get away. I tell myself this when i worry about my daughters. My oldest wrote a terrible letter about how she wanted to kill people…but we got through it. I have trouble sleeping and sometimes i cry or snap at the kids..but they understand more than i give them credit for…they know we are safer. You got this far..u can do this.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear White Rose, you are bound to feel really on edge & all over the place, with his recent contact (that would make me be actually psycially sick with nerves i think) and this time of year being anniversary time.

I have found that these HUGE upsets lessen in intensity the next day and even more the next week.

Can you not respond or respond with the minimum & the grey rock approach? its screws with our minds to have any contact.

[White Rose]

Thanks. I picked these messages up when I came back in from gardening – a bit of serious weeding and pruning (you can imagine what I was wishing as I was hacking back the jungle in my garden!!) it helped take my mind off wallowing in self pity for a while.
Shine bright – this too started with him returning something of mine. I never thought I’d see it again. Stupidly I said thanks and that opened up his right to communicate and boy did he use it to good effect on me. If I hadn’t responded with a thanks he’d have done the same thing but called me names for bring rude. Its imposible to avoid do the right thing in his eyes. I wish you well with the divorce I’m over that hurdle but still have final financial transfers to do and that is bound by the tax system so will take time. That’s getting to me too. I can’t really draw a line under “it” until that’s sorted and I kind of feel I have to be civil till then otherwise he’ll turn on me again and it will be another couple of years till we’re through. (detail removed by moderator)
I can do this I know I can but it’s just so hard to keep going sometimes. Thanks x*x

Healthy Archive – I know it will lessen in a while but it’s bugging me like crazy right now and taking over my life again. I shouldn’t let it- I must get my armour reinforced. I’ll practice my grey rock technique until I perfect it Thanks x*x

[Serenity]

Anniversaries are difficult times. Certain times of the year make us feel more fragile than usual and stir up the deepest of emotions.

If he is a clever abuser, he will have timed this nasty bit of contact, knowing you might be at your most sensitive ( I am beginning to realise that the cleverest abusers are very much aware of things like this: they are predators, watching and waiting to catch their prey when they are most vulnerable).

How to get through this patch?

Remind yourself that it won’t last forever. You will feel strong again.

Strengthen your defences. Make sure he has minimal or no further access to you.

Remind yourself that what he speaks is not the truth, and is not about you. They project. As Flower Child used to say: listen carefully, and you will see that they are talking about themselves and their own weaknesses, failures and bad intentions. Don’t allow his nasty comments to make you question yourself.

Write down all the things you have achieved since the bully left. If you want, write down what he has accused you of- then wrote out why this isn’t accurate, and why it more accurately reflects him.

Remember, they are jealous cowards who resent anyone else possessing any happiness or success. If he is criticising your parenting, it’s more likely that he’s angry that you’re succeeding as a good mum!

Oh- and don’t forget to engage in extreme self-care! X

[White Rose]

Thanks Serenity. You always give sound advice. I just wish he had no reason for contact, but he does and he will always think he does as we had a child together. What ever she wants or I want, he’ll call the shots on this despite the fact he once told me he’d never wanted children and that was a good few years after we had her. She’ll have to elope to marry one day as otherwise he’ll find a way to destroy her happiness on the day.
It is all about him. He’s seeking power and control again but I’m d****d if I’m giving into him. I think I show him I can stand up to him, but inside I’m scared and vulnerable and that’s what hurts me – that he can still do that to me and I’m not sure he’ll ever stop from what I hear about his past, he really holds a grudge for a long time.
He’s not going to change but I have got to keep believing I can and remind myself what I’ve got and that I’m safe.
Will I really ever be free of what he’s done? Will I ever put it so far at the back of my mind that it will remain hidden? I’m not sure but it has to get better again.
Does a bar of chocolate waiting in the cupboard count as extreme self care? It’s only a small one but its all mine.
Thanks xxxx

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