Needing understanding and validation

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

I finally moved house, and it is a huge positive step in the right direction for me as it was the goal I set after I left. I was feeling shell shocked at first, then positive, but today I am feeling low again so thought it would be helpful to write on here.

I am finding the new place seems to trigger old memories and like I have to re-process them again, like it sets me back a bit. I think it’s because it’s a similar type of house to his so it reminds me of being at his house. It’s also near the time of year when we first met, so the cold weather is reminding me of our early dates and cold winter nights in together during the ‘honeymoon’ phase. Even the beautiful view reminds me of looking out at the view from his house with him. And the wintry clothes I’ve started wearing remind me of how I went shopping for nice warm lounge clothes at the beginning of our relationship because he always wanted me to be at his house rather than going out to events etc (which I now see as a big red flag and feel embarassed that I accepted it although I did try to suggest we go out more).

Being here feels like going back in time a bit, hopefully until my brain has adjusted to the change because I am struggling with all the thoughts about him again and feeling so upset about it. Hes on my mind all the time again. I get really worried that I will always think about him forever and never get over it, does anyone else feel like that? Ladies who have been out years, you don’t still feel like that do you?

I’m also a bit upset because I started a pattern changing course and to my horror I absolutely hated it!!! I didn’t fit in with anyone there, nobody seemed to understand my use of language, during a group exercise a woman shouted down my idea and the course leader didn’t write anything I said on the board. I felt really invalidated, rejected and shamed. It was weird because I’d tried out another group and they all seemed really nice and I felt accepted there but it clashed with another commitment so I had to stop going. I’m not sure what to do, I’d like to do the course but it seems a very low level ie. teaching women what abuse is. I have read so much about it and been on forums that I feel very well versed in the basics and wanted more in depth learning. We spent ages introducing ourselves and women kept hijacking the session to share painful memories which didn’t feel helpful and the vibe felt very bad and negative and sad in there. I feel very disappointed.

I’m also sad because I’ve been having doubts about my counsellor. She seems like a nice person and I like her but she is not a specialist in abuse so sometimes I worry that she doesn’t believe me or understand the dynamics. I brought it up with her and she sid she ‘accepts my perception of it’ but that feels worrying to me. I feel like I need a therapist who totally gets the dynamic, understands about psychopathy and abuse and can validate me each week whilst helping me build back my self esteem? Again, not sure what to do and feel quite lost and disappointed. I’m not sure I can afford a specialist therapist, the counsellor is free. It really helps having someone to talk to but I really need to be validated and I’m worried that I’m going to keep seeking her validation if I don’t feel I’m getting it.

[Dragonfly]

Hi SRF

it’s good you’re now in your own place, it’s bound to be difficult readjusting to life never mind moving. Could or have you tried adding your own touches to your new home? Simple things like a scented candle, flowers or whatever the things are that are pleasing to you? It’s all new but in time you will create your own memories in your own home. Maybe invite some friends round for some nice food and chill time.

As for your counsellor I think it’s really important that first of all you ‘click’ and secondly you feel validated. That was the whole basis for me when I went. (Luckily I’m with Bupa through work so only had to pay a one of excess). Maybe ask your GP or WA for advice on what counselling might be available?

I’m not sure but want to show you my support for you. Keep posting on here. You are believed, validated and listened to xx

[Indiansummer]

Hi,

Congratulations on moving , it is such a huge step and you are so brave making it.

I’m sorry you’ve had bad experience with the groups but I hope you won’t give up looking for one where you feel comfortable. Please, know that there are people out there who appreciate your ideas and understand you.

I can totally relate to your feelings when reminiscing good times. It’s sad that looking back on the good memories now is so bitter. It is my wedding anniversary soon, and this time of year also brings back memories of how we were getting ready for the wedding and how we were celebrating previous anniversaries.. I also started questioning whether he was genuinely good back then or if it was all just part of his calculated behaviour in gaining control over me.

Please, keep sharing your feelings here. I’m new to the forum, but can already feel how this helps. X

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you for your reply dragonfly, I am feeling quite fragile at the moment so it helps to feel understood. Sometimes I just feel like I don’t fit in anywhere and that I annoy people, I find a lot of people insensitive and rude and hurtful, and I’m not very mainstream in my tastes and that at the moment makes me feel quite alone. Unfortunately I’ve also been struggling with friends so don’t really want to invite any of them round. The only friends who treat me kindly live in different cities and are married so have their own lives, and the local ones are people I knew at school and they have repeatedly hurt me and let me down and I often feel like they don’t really like me and feel worse after seeing them.

I have unpacked about half my things, and it has helped to declutter loads more stuff so that I can enjoy the space. I have put some nice things around the place so it’s starting to feel more like a home. My plan is to write a ‘social plan’ for myself so that I can meet more like minded people by trying out some different activities. I just need to feel a bit less fragile as at the moment I’m really hypersensitive and would probably cry.

I keep having memories of the relationship going round and round my head. All the ‘nice’ times and then the nasty things he said and did. It freaks me out how good of a actor he was, that his mask was so incredibly, alarmingly, sickeningly convincing. He honestly seemed like the sweetest man I’d ever met, and it’s so hard coming to terms with how it was all a mask and that he was doing awful things behind my back, lying to me and gasligting me the whole time. And even then sometimes it all just feels like a horrible nightmare. It’s so painful and awful and sad. I thought I had met a lovely, wonderful man and was inviting love into my life, when really I was inviting evil, danger and pain into my life in the disguise of love. A trojan horse that I am still recovering from each day.

I hope one day that it doesn’t hurt as much. I had an awful thought earlier that I could just rot in this house and nobody would care. I guess I need to keep an eye on my mental health so that my mood doesn’t drop very low again. I guess I will be quite up and down getting used to living here. It doesn’t help that the area I’ve moved to is a bit rough with quite a few c****y betting and kebab shops and not many nice fresh fruit and veg shops or little cafes which is more my kind of thing, but I guess it’s just renting and my first venture into living independently and the start of my new journey so a step in the right direction.

Thanks for listening.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Indian summer,

Thanks for your reply, it really helps to make me feel less alone and misunderstood. It must be very painful looking back on the wedding plans, I am finding that the good memories are much more painful than the bad beause they trigger that sense of loss and sadness in me, that what I thought I had (a loving partner)is now gone. I am still struggling to assimilate both types of memories, abuse and him being ‘nice’ so that I can properly accept the reality of who he is, mourn the loss and heal.

I started to feel better last night and did more sorting of my new place but unfortunately hit a massive trigger again when I went outside and to my horror, heard a couple on the next street having really loud sex :((( I made me feel sick, I just did not need to hear it at all.

It reminded me of when my ex once boasted about how he always made other women orgasm which was just such a painful cruel thing to say to me. It reminded me of how he was talking to others and having sex with them behind my back and made me think it could even be him having sex with this woman since I have no idea who else he was having sex but I fear it was many 🙁 It also was a reminded that I’m surrounded by couples and how I am traumatised, lonely and alone with doubts about ever being happy with anyone in the future. And on top of that, I don’t care what people do in their sex life, I just 100% do not want to hear it as it turns my stomach. I am glad I am just renting here so I can learn what I need out of a house and location, my dream is a cottage in a village in the countryside so I guess that can be a future goal rather than be surrounded by other people like I currently am.

[duvetday]

Hi SunshineRainflower,
Just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re struggling and I hope you start to feel a little better soon. I can relate to a lot of things you talk about. I have also had lots of thoughts about ex lately and I find it really confusing matching up memories I thought were ‘good’ ones with my new understanding of him being abusive to me. It makes me feel really weird cos I feel I have to reprocess stuff like you said. And it’s like part of me doesn’t want to look back and accept things weren’t the way I thought. I dunno what the way thru that is.. :/

[Freedomfighter]

Hi sunshinerainflower, sorry to hear you’re struggling, but well done for moving out. I’m still working on that. But as for your struggles with the nice him and nasty him- I’ve wrestled with that for years. For me it helps to see the nice him as him acting- playing a role. For decades I tormented myself with thoughts of did I turn him into this monster? But after 2 years of writing down my thoughts/experiences etc I realised that’s what He kept telling me. The more I wrote the more I realised most of my doubts, fears, bad thoughts were his not mine. Ask yourself questions when you are doubting yourself or confused. Then when you discover something, take a break try to distract yourself then take another look. That’s how I convince myself. It’s hard at first, accepting that he isn’t who you thought he was, maybe never was and how did he fool you etc counsellors can help with that or the brilliant women on the helpline. I seem to be doing this back to front to most of you. Dealing bit by bit with realising the man I was in love with, married to for so long wasn’t real. Building your life back up and confidence etc so you can move on. I just need to do what you have done and move out.Hope you find something that helps Hugs

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you Duvetday and Freedomfighter,

Yes what I am really struggling with the past few days is ‘Why him? Why did he have to be one of the cheaters? Why couldn’t he be the loving, kind, wonderful man I thought he was and who he pretended to be? Why did he have to be an abuser? Is it something to do with me that I attract these men? How did I not see it? How on earth was he able to lie so convincingly?’ You know that feeling where you just don’t want it to be true? How you wish you could rewind back to when it felt good and that you could erase all the abuse and not have it happen, is this a sort of denial? I suppose it’s the brain trying to cope with the trauma and pain.

I feel sick about it. I feel envious and sad and alone when I see couples and think women who got together with kind non-abusive men are the lucky ones. I feel so sick that this man I thought was the sweetest man I’d ever met turned out to be the worst. It is so awful and hard to comprehend my mind just keeps replaying it like a car stuck in mud with the wheels going round not getting anywhere.

He could be so lovely and actually much better than my previous non-abusive boyfriends in the past, that’s why I liked him so much, he was much better at being open to going to places I liked, to eating the type of food I like, he seemed interested in my hobbies, and he was (initially) great in bed unlike my previous ex who had a very disappointing almost repulsive body and who I did not enjoy having sex with. I thought ‘FINALLY!’ I have found what I’m looking for after YEARS of c****y disappointing idiots who always let me down, it is so sickening how it was all fake, it never really even existed yet now I am in deep mourning because to me it exised 100% and was 100% real. I wonder if I will ever get real love, a great partner who is not only kind and warm and intelligent and funny and caring and wise and open minded but who I am also attracted to and vice versa!

It is really, really hard fathoming that it was all an act. It makes me feel sick, I am a rubbish liar and struggle to tell one lie without feeling guilty let alone putting on a whole act and creating a whole new persona for months. I can’t get my head around these psychopathic types of people.

It really annoys me how his parents seem to idolise him too, I reckon he has done bad stuff his whole life but they have believed his (extremely convincing) lies. They seemed sort of defensive when I met them and much more interested in their darling son than in getting to know me, his new girlfriend at the time. I wonder what he told them when I ended things, probably some outrageous lies no doubt. It beggars belief that these creatures can go through their whole lives without any consequences or getting caught, I really hope it catches up with them one day as it’s not fair how we all suffer for years for what they do to us and they swan around earning good money (I reckon he lied to get his job and I realised he was stealing things like mugs and coffee from them so was probably doing much worse in secret) and securing new kind, beautiful, loving, unsuspecting girlfriends. There’s no way I would have dated him if I’d know he was this misoygnistic thug, I wasn’t partcicularly attracted to him and felt guilty about it but dated him because he seemed so sweet!!!!! Can you believe that. No wonder my brain feels broken, the horrendousness of knowing how badly I was tricked, how I entered into a relationship with him all based on lies and deceit when I was 100% convinced he was this lovely person all the while he was f*****g others behind my back and slowly wearing down my sense of self, my self esteem, my confidence, my physical and mental health. The shock of only realising all of this at the end too, it all suddenly dawned on me so quickly. Sorry to ramble, I don’t know when I’ll come to terms with it but I hope it’s soon, I can’t believe how much time has passed already yet I still go through everything in my head each day.

[bookworm]

Hi It’s a (detail removed by Moderator) that I left and I am staying with one of my granddaughters and it is the first time that I have been on my own for a weekend and I am lonely, many years ago I endured a long period of horrific domestic abuse afterwards he isolated me from my family and I have never been allowed friends I have left him before but always gone back to him everyone thinks that he is wonderful but I know the truth I don’t want to go back this time and I am trying to stay strong and I am getting lots of help living with fear over the years has caused me many health problems.
thankyou all for being there.

[Author]

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