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Is this one of their tactics? I have not heard about this before but: he never leaves me alone. I don’t get any time to myself, if he goes out in the day he makes sure he’s at home when i finish work, he wont go anywhere in the evenings with his own friends, if he does its only for a couple of hours and he always tries to make it home before i go to bed: ‘to say goodnight’.
At the weekend I always say: do something with your friends etc. But he ‘wants to spend time with me’.
Its absolutely exhausting. -
Im afraid i dont have any words of wisdom but just wanted to say i know exactly how you feel. I work with my husband. I have 1 day off a week to catch up on chores etc as he does nothing at home, but he always choses to either leave work early on that day or not go to work at all. If i am away from him, for example doing the school run, shopping etc, he phones me constantly. He wanrs to spend all of the weekend with me and if i have any plans to do anything he sulks until i change them to suit his needs. I completely get how draining this is and how sometimes you just need that head space.
I hope you get some peace this weekend -
Hello Eyesopening
I have exactly the same problem as you. He only ever goes out to the gym for an hour but he goes so early I’m still in bed! He has no regard whatsoever for personal space and I have found this so very hard during lockdown. It is emotionally exhausting. He even goes in a mood if I don’t sit and watch tv with him, and he questions me about what I am doing if I go into another room. He talks to me from behind the bathroom door (and even comes in sometimes to talk) when I’m trying to relax in the bath – I want to scream!! So, I know exactly how you feel and although I’m new to this forum I think I’m right by saying this is a form of control. Even replying to posts on here is difficult as he is always around…. Aaaaggggrrrr!!!! It will be interesting to see what the other ladies say on this subject. Thank you for posting. Sending you a supportive hug xx
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I almost laughed reading these as it’s just ridiculous how similar these men really are.
Mine is usually fine if he has plans for himself or is busy doing something but if he’s not he will often sulk if I go off to do my own thing. Or tell me I’ve abandoned him but disguise it as a joke. He uses to call my name if he was in the bath whilst I was in another room and ask me to come and sit and talk to him. Then sulk and berate me when I said I didn’t want to. It used to make me want to scream as I just wanted 5 minutes alone to sit on the sofa without him there! He hasn’t done that as much recently thankfully but still uses other ways to try and make me feel guilty. He will also sometimes sulk or make a comment if I go on my phone whilst we’re watching TV, especially if it’s something he recommended we watch. It’s all very suffocating isn’t it? Xx -
I can’t believe the similarities here! I also get told that I’m abandoning him – these men really are so insecure aren’t they?! I sometimes sit for an hour in the supermarket car park after doing the shopping (when he’s not with me of course…) just to relax and enjoy some ’emotional freedom’. I sometimes feel almost at breaking point and my head is going to burst – another reason to stay focused on my eventual escape! It’s good to be able to talk with others who understand exactly what this is like. Thank you xx
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Yes it’s a tactic, I’m sure of it. It smacks of control and obsession, perhaps even possessiveness, which are all drivers of abuse. I’m not sure I’d see it as insecurity in the way a non-abusive person would be insecure i.e. I don’t think it’s simply “I need to know what she’s doing because I’m worried she’ll find someone else”, but more like “I need to make sure she’s not doing anything I don’t want her doing because I have the right to do that and she should want to spend all her time with me anyway because I am her priority”.
I think a big part of it is limiting any feeling of independence/autonomy. The more you’re with him the more you feel trapped and helpless. Maybe even the wearing you down emotionally is intended to make you feel more weak and helpless.
I don’t know whether they do all this consciously. I’ve read differing views on whether all abusers know exactly what they’re doing all the time. Some people seem adamant that abusers are calculating 100% of the time and whether they’re being nice or cruel, it’s all knowingly done with the aim of keeping you under control. I’m not sure that’s true for every abuser. I think my ex thought he was genuinely kind and loving at times. I don’t think he knows that his version of love isn’t love.
I think it’s another example of disrespecting our boundaries and letting us know they’re in charge. I remember sitting in supermarket car parks to get some time alone. Towards the end I’d sometimes make a dash out the house for a walk. I’d know that I’d get a load of grief when I got back, but at least I’d make it out! It’s just crazy, but sadly I’m sure everyone reading this understands 😢 xxxx
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Hi all, thankyou for replying, it is good to be able to talk to others who have gone through the same thing.
IsoPeace – yes I agree, its a way to dominate your time, space and mental energy.
I take the dog out and also sit in the car afterwards sometimes for some peace, if I get to go alone.
He even started coming on all those walks too… He doesn’t even like walking. -
Wow! I thought it was just mine that did this. He didn’t until our kids grew up so I didn’t need to be home to look after them. Before this we barely saw him after he finished work or weekends. Once our youngest left school he changed. He barely went out apart from work, if I had a bath he would come and sit in the bathroom.
He complained if I decided to read a book instead of watching tv with him as I wasn’t paying him attention.
It’s quite depressing really and no way to live. -
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