New and broken

[cupcakes]

Hi

I want to call the helpline but I’m either working or with the children.

I am too scared to put too much detail here.

I am so unhappy I think ive been emotionally verbally abused for years but only just realised.

I am trapped lonely and scared

[White Rose]

Hi cupcakes.
Don’t forget the help line isn’t just 9 to 5. Keep trying when you can till You manage to talk to someone.
In the meantime you can still post here just keep it very general with no specific identifying info.
Don’t feel scared to ask for help or to share your worries x

[cupcakes]

Thank you I am not even sure what I will say if I get through.

I can’t see a way out I don’t earn a lot of money and I know he and his family will make my life as difficult as possible. Not sure I’m strong enough to fight.

I also don’t know how I could ever cope sharing the children they are so young and that would break me even more.

However I spend all my time trying not to upset him

[KIP.]

There is lots of help out there for you if you reach out. Can you talk to your GP? I felt like you do and now im well on the way to a peaceful happy abuse free life. You have many choices.

[Anonymous]

Cupcakes life is to short to live in misery it’s not fair on the children they can pick up on things .Reach out there is help .Iam free from abuse it’s the best thing I ever did . I had to plan my way out without him known and I did it . Hugs be strong

[lover of no contact]

Hi cupcakes,

I can understand your fears. I thought there was no way out for me too. I had no income, he controlled the money. He and his family made my life difficult when the marriage was ending but you know what with lots of support I got through that and I have no contact with them now and I don’t care anymore, although I had got on brilliantly with them (or so I thought) for 2 decades. He even influenced my teenage children against me, that was hard, but I got through that (lots and lots of support like this Forum and the phone calls to Women’s Aid as I needed it). My no income sorted itself out. I got a job. I don’t earn a lot now but I manage by keeping a record of my money, being careful and concentrating on essentials and having ‘free luxuries’ eg walks in beautiful nature instead of gym membership and my yoga classes etc. I’m clever with the food shop, clothes etc. I’d rather be poor but free from abuse.

First things first…you need to be free of him. His family will still be influenced against you by him even when you are still in a relationship with him. Believe me he won’t stop subtly criticising you to family and friends just because you’re still in a relationship with him. You can’t control that.

You are not alone, we are all dealing with the low income and the fallout with his family/mutual friends, we will support you in that.

Keep posting and reading the other ladies posts for strength and ideas.

[cupcakes]

Thank you ladies I still can’t believe I’m in this position I Feel so sad and so sad for the children

I am going to call them one evening when the children are in bed and his out.

His family abuse me too it’s like they gang up on me and it’s gone on for years. His threatened to take the children off me and is trying to say I’m mental (I’m not) his threatened that I will come worse off and to ever cross him

Lover of no contact…. my worst fear is what your husband did, turning the children against you. So glad you got through that. His done that a little but I know that will happen more if I stood up for myself.

I am glad you ladies are through it and better off gives me a bit of hope

X

[lover of no contact]

Yes it was the worst emotional pain ever him influencing my teenage children against me and him using them as weapons against me and his words were coming out of their mouths. The pain of that abuse was worse than his verbal, financial, emotional abuse. However, a friend said to me that ‘my children’s fear of him was as great as their love for me,’ so that helped me. And eventually it did pass. But in a funny way I think the children were relieved when they saw that I was becoming stronger and saying a non-verbal no to abuse by taking steps to leave my relationship with them. I suppose they always felt powerless when he was abusing me. Also I wish my father had had the support to leave my abuser mum when I was a teenager or younger, it would have saved me so many years of living in an abusive home.

My children’s alienation from me (orchestrated by him) and the weakening of my bond with them, turned out to be temporary. Although at the time of leaving I thought it would be permanent and that was my worst fear ever. Occasionally my eldest child who is a young adult now can be influenced against me by her abuser dad and his family and it shows in her attitude towards me. But I don’t fear it as much now. Once she has sufficient time away from his and his enablers (family), she comes back to herself and our bond is back to normal.

I have more confidence now that I am who I am and that comes through despite his ‘smearing of me’ to others. And he is who he is and that will become apparent with time despite his confidence in his façade, his ability to charm others and deceive others that he is a good person. The truth will always out in the end. It may take time but nothing is stronger than the truth.

[lover of no contact]

typo -taking steps to leave my relationship with him.

[cupcakes]

Wow you have been through so much and sound so strong. I think I could take anything from him but turning the children against me or using them to cause hurt would be the worst.

I am so sorry for what you have been through but it does sound like you have come through it very strong and positive.

I used to be a lot stronger… I don’t feel strong at the moment but I feel enough is enough. I’ve put up with things for so long now.

I only opened up to family and friends before Christmas and everyone was shocked as he makes everyone believe he is wonderful and that we have the perfect relationship and family..

I think it was talking to others that made me realise how bad it is.. when you say it out loud or write it down its makes it real and worse… when you don’t say anything it’s almost not real

X

[icequeen lady]

Hi cupcake im new here.too.i left my mine after (detail removed by moderator) yrs went ti a refuge n he wormed his way in now im trying to get rid again.biggest mistake i ever made. Im planning my escape as we speak. his fanily where the same always vile to me even tho id always been nice to them. He was also always axcusin me of cheating.which i never did.read my story.. how long hav u been with him btw?? How many kids?? One thing ive learnt is that its been (detail removed by moderator) yrs n he hasnt changed he always goes bk the same abusive person . I know now that i cant fix him .its not our jobs to fix them. Goodluck .virual hugs i feel ur pain .but u are defo not alone xx theres lots n lots of women goin thru this right now amd if u break free theb ur one of the lucky ones. Xx i know one girl whos been with her partner for years gmhe treats her absolutly teribbly but she cant leave him she never will .its like she jusr excepts it. Druves me mad.and im determined not to be like that .i refuse to .n so shud u . Iifes short .i wud rather be alone now than with him x*x

[Mermaidbaby]

Hi cupcakes im new here but i related with your posts so much i just wanted to say im going through very similar circumstances too. I feel excited about breaking free but the initial fear takes over and im still stuck here acting normal :/ big hugs youre not alone x

[wakingup]

Wow I’m exactly the same. I want to call the number but I’m scared I’ll collapse in a heap of hysteria once I actually get to speak to someone. I’ve bottled up and hid things for so long. I’ve been walking on egg shells for years living on a knifes edge. I commute to work daily in another city and can sometimes spend the time driving talking to myself for (detail removed by moderator) miles. I’m trying to reason with myself and trying to find out why? What did I do? When did this begin? I feel like I’m losing my mind on a daily basis like I’ve actually lost the plot

[Mimosa]

Please do call the helpline. It took me AGES to pluck up courage, I called several times but couldnt get through and didnt want to leave a message for the helpline to call me back. But eventually I did and the lady who called was lovely. I had a safe space to talk but then couldnt actually bring out the words. The lady was so brilliant and asked if I wanted to explore with questions instead as I didnt know where to start. This really helped. I felt validated by being heard, just to say the words out loud to someone I didnt know was good and she gave me lots of further info. She really helped me understand it wasnt my fault and in being exposed to this for  plus years without realising didnt make me weak or mad or naive, it made me someone who had just wanted to be a good partner. Still in this awful daily eggshell tiptoe but I am gaining strength and the helpline has really been an amazing help! The clue is in the name I guess!
Mimosa
X

[Anonymous]

Hi, I’m new here too, I was with my abuser years, I was exactly like you are feeling desperate to escape Years! I felt beside myself, Please, please don’t live in such unhappiness, The abuse always gets worse over time, Please keep ringing the helpline & don’t give up hope. I was desperate to get out, found the courage but would then get scared of coping alone so I stayed. His abuse worsened & by the time I did escape I was completely broken, now seriously ill with mental health problems. You’re not crazy, that’s what they do, make you feel like you are. Don’t leave it too late before being brave enough to get help & leave, No one should live like this, I came away a vary I’ll lady because I stayed years longer than I should through fear. Love & hugs x

[cupcakes]

Hi I am sorry I have not replied to all your messages but thank you all for your kind words and sorry so many are in the same situation. I wish I could put more details on here as would love your views and help but I am too scared. The last few weeks he actually hasn’t shouted or had a go at me. It’s just so hard knowing what to do when small children are involved I feel that I plod on for them but it’s like living in a ticking bomb waiting for the next blow up. I try very hard not to upset him but I know me just being offish with him will upset him…. Gosh feel like I have said too much already

[cupcakes]

Blueberry.. I am so sorry that your experience has made you poorly its frightening what it does to you. I am not the person I used to be my confidence and self esteem is awful and I never smile. Hugs to you too x

[cupcakes]

Waking up…. How are you have you called yet? I have tried a few times but no answer. While it rings I feel like I start to panic and then feel glad no one answered because if they do this all then feels even more real.

[Sadie]

Just call

They are lovely and understand so much almost without you having to say it all.
Sadly these men have a lot in common.

[Author]

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