New and frustrated

[gentlewoman]

I have been separated for (detail removed by moderator)years and he has now divorced me. He is emotionally and financially controlling and plays on my mental health
He took court route and we have 50/50 care of our hildrenand he refused mediation. He controls schedule and is utterly rigid. Won’t let me phone children ever yet he texts them every day and won’t let me take the children to one off events yet I have been flexible to him. He makes it v hard to take them to activities. I inserted a clause into court order re flexibility at other times when parents agree.
He vetoes everything. I work at the end of the week when children are with him so can’t take boys out on an eve as it is a school night but he swaps it round in hols making childcare harder and won’t agree to change (detail removed by moderator). He controls which church they go to homework help as he has the children on Friday Saturday.
He will not let me write schedule
My solicitor says if we try to amend things it could go either way and I could lose more custody.
He constantly criticises me on email and orders me around which I have just started fogging in reply as I get no where in explaining just more criticism. He is not reasonable.
I have told him not to leave things in my house /garden for children unless they specifically initiate asking him (eg homework)
I feel my hands are tied and I can do nothing to improve the situation. He is v clever quick plausible and has an answer for everything.
What can I do?

He has refused to use online calendars etc.

[KIP.]

Have you tried a contact book that the boys take with them from house to house. All changes, comments etc are noted and brought back with them. Try the contact book and block every other means of contact he has with you. Can you use a third party for emergency contact I,e, your mum or family member. Take back control x don’t allow him access to any other part of your life. No contact means no mind games. It looks like you have them on a Sunday? Take them to the church you want to. Might be nice having two churches x drop off and pick up can be done somewhere else if your have family locally willing to help. Speak to your GP and get the mental stress he’s putting you under noted.

[gentlewoman]

Thank you but have tried the contact book but it was thrown out by judge
Contact happens only thru email.
We agreed in court to alternate handover times on Sundays so we could both take them to church but he now takes them on sat night
GPs has been aware from start and helped me get legal aid.
I don’t have local family although he does and they are clones.
He refuses to accept communication via anyone else.
As I say unreasonable.

[KIP.]

Is it possible for you to move closer to your family?
Things have changed since the judge threw out the contact book. Including the stress you’re under. It’s not upto him to refuse contact via anyone else. You have a right to feel safe and have some peace in your life. You have a right not to have contact with someone who makes you ill. im sure if you can evidence his behaviour, going back to court might be your best bet. Keep the emails etc and build a case until your solicitor feels your case is strong enough x you say he won’t let you phone the kids. It’s not upto him. Phone them if you like. He texts them, so maybe start with texts x

[Serenity]

Hi Gentlewoman,

You’re not alone. I for one have an ex who sounds like your abuser.

My ex is entirely inflexible regarding contact arrangements ( we have a contact order for youngest ) yet ignores and tries to override the order himself. He is forever trying to break the rules ( cleverly) just to show he is in charge and to try to get a reaction from me. All cleverly done, so that if I took it to court, I would be deemed unreasonable and inflexible.

For example, he’s taken both my kids abroad for a holiday. He expected that I would not agree, but I did. I gave no reaction ( but secretly I am worrying). Though he was meant to have the boys on a certain day, he told the kids he’d be licking them up the night before, as the plane was very early the next day. In fact, the plane wasn’t very early the next day, it turns out. But I know he did it just to get a reaction and to make me look bad in front of the kids by getting me to react negatively. But he didn’t win- I didn’t react and didn’t let the kids know I was frustrated. Contact arrangements are peppered with incidents like this.

What I mean is, awful though it is ( and I know, every thing he does affects you), I think one thing we must do for the abuse to not get worse is to go ‘Grey Rock’ ( see Grey Rock Method). That is, to pretend we are so dense that many of these things go over our head. This is preferable to us letting on that they are affecting us, as this would only spur them on more.

Secondly, limit or eradicate contact. If communication is by email, only look at it twice a week, not everyday. Allow yourself days where you don’t need to read his poison.

Can anyone read the email for you and ‘sanitise’ it before reading it to you? That is, someone who isn’t connected to him emotionally could read the email for you and just tell you the basic information, without using his horrible words? My brother-in-law did this for me for a while. Even reading emails from my ex badly affected me.

Of course, there are situations where he can’t be ignored, such as jeopardising your childcare. i don’t think the judge could argue that this concern is unreasonable. Your working life needs to be protected. Log each time he dies this. Build a case. Eventually, you could show it to a judge, evidenced.

You going Grey Rock will either have the effect of him getting bored because he’s not getting a reaction, or he will up the abuse to get a reaction- and then hopefully he will do something to prove to the judge who he really is.

I really sympathise. But just think how pathetic these men are, that they have to play such games? If you remain the calm graceful swan, over time he will hang himself. And how pathetic he will look to the kids.

However, that hurt that you feel from his constant abuse can’t just vanish. It needs to go somewhere. The worst thing is to not talk about it so that it builds up inside you and you become fearful and feel victimised. You need to maintain inner strength and I honk that he way to do this is to continue to reach out for validation and support from those who truly understand. Maybe you could attend a Pattern Chanding course to strengthen yourself, go to DV counselling or attend a support group to share your burden and receive ongoing validation and advice. I have used all three and still go to counselling and my support group.

If you have no family near, all the more reason for you to build up an ‘army of support.’ You will have a support network, and he won’t understand how come you’re so strong.

Remember, bullies are cowards under it all. You are stronger than him. You can strengthen yourself in different ways X

[gentlewoman]

thank you all so much.
I am trying all you have suggested. I have recently started fogging a reply on email (eg we are all aware of the importance of xyz) and have looked up grey rock method and also informed him I will only look at it once the day before I return the children to him and the day they return to him. I will consider getting someone else to receive the messages on my behalf without him knowing and then they can forward them to me in their own words.
I have tried ringing the kids before and received phone put down, superdad playing with one child in the background ( but no sign of other one) and straight to answer phone. Yet him and his mum initiate text every day to my son’s mobile. Now my son is very tense about our paths crossing whether in person or on the phone even though I have tried to make things friendlier in the past.
I have also refused to play the spreadsheet game where he buys something (not even needed) for one child and then tells me to pay for one for the other child as I feel pushed into a corner without any choice. He has a very well paid job and I am part time so not financially equal at all ( I think he earns more than 2/3 more than me net a month)
I have had dv counselling (20 sessions) but when I got a letter from a professional backing up some of the things he said about me it knocked me for 6. It is easy to go to the opposite extreme and think it is all his fault and I am not rubbish at any of this but trying to get a balanced view of one’s good points and bad points is very difficult for me. and actually setting myself some goals is hard on my own too.
I so worry when I stuff up with a friend they are going to say but “you really are what he said you were like after all” and I would loose a friend again.
I have contacted the solicitor again and sent her a list of the recent inflexibilities and nibbling around the edges of the court orders and asked if she will keep my file open until there is enough to go back to court. I have set up a meeting with dv and anxiety support from a local women’s organisation too because it is so hard dealing with this on my own. People tell me to ignore it or put distance between me and him but how when it happens week by week. Ignoring or protesting don’t make any difference and the status quo stays the same. I don’t think I can move nearer to my family as we have 50/50 care. Sometimes all I can do is talk and talk about it but I can never get any further forward with the situation and I feel he knows just how to entangle me and as I am the one with the anxiety problems and he is so plausible and professional and quick, he comes across much more believable than me and he has an answer for everything and tends to exaggerate and overgeneralise every small indiscretion. It is so unreasonable and unfair on me and still so controlling over what we do as a family and when and seems to have no idea that this indirectly affects our beautiful children.

[Author]

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