New and overwhelmed

[Mozart]

I have been married for over (timeframe removed by Moderator) years and I have two beautiful children who are at (detail removed by Moderator) school. My husband wasn’t a drinker when we got married however, over the last (timeframe removed by Moderator) years he has become dependent on drinking alcohol (beers) in the evening. The quantity peaked in lockdown, and although he drinks less now, he still consistently drinks every night. I suspect he drinks somewhere before he gets home too, I have seen his car parked up down a side road and when I approached, he turned the car around drove away pretending he hasn’t seen me. He also claims find my friends doesn’t work on his phone so I can never see his location. We have busy lives, with both of us working and we spend very little time together, however in the morning I do see glimpses of the man I married. However by the time I get home from work he’s already had a couple of drinks and he has turned into the person who I don’t recognise. He engages in very little conversation with me, he’s short tempered with me and sometimes the boys, he sits in the kitchen on his own drinking until he can’t keep his eyes open anymore which is usually about 8.30/9pm. I’m left in the lounge with the kids or picking up the kids from various clubs. I feel so lonely and let down. 
My husband went through a family trauma (timeframe removed by Moderator) years ago, this isn’t the cause of the drinking but has had a huge impact on his mental health, he tried some counselling, but then stopped going. Back in (month removed by Moderator), I got to breaking point I told him how lonely, isolated and sad I was for he and I. He was devastated that I felt that way and couldn’t believe how he’d got to this stage. We agreed to go to the doctor together and he was took the first step and asked the doctor for help admitting he has a problem. The doctor referred him to alcohol dependent group and provided me with weekly counselling sessions. More than (timeframe removed by Moderator) months on and my weekly sessions have now come to an end and he didn’t engage in a single group session. I understand now that he has got to want to change and try as I might, I can’t speed the process up. For years I have put him and the boys first just trying to keep a peaceful family home. We stopped being intimate over (timeframe removed by Moderator) years ago, the only opportunities we had with young kids, was in the evening but this would be after he’s had too much to drink which wasn’t enjoyable for me. I have realised throughout my counselling sessions that my boundaries have been pushed over time to somewhere I don’t recognise. I don’t want to allow the kids to have slack boundaries too. I want to show them what a healthy relationship looks like, but I can’t do this in our current situation. My husband has broken my trust as he can be dishonest and sneaky around alcohol. He is at such a low point that he takes criticism very badly and catastrophises everything. After a disagreement he said he might as well not be here and suggested he would take his own life. The kids heard and were obviously upset and concerned. I spoke to him the next day and suggested he speak to the doctor but he refused and said he didn’t mean it he just said it in the moment. I know he loves me and the children more than anything, but while he is struggling with alcohol, we will never be his priority. His health has suffered recently, but he won’t address it and carries on regardless of the impact to himself and us. He won’t open up to his friends or allow me to speak to them about it either. I’ve suggested we go to couples counselling but he refuses. My feelings towards him change multiple times during the day depending on if he is sober or had a drink. 
For years, I’ve tried to shield the kids but the oldest has started to see things for himself now and his relationship with his Dad is being tested, he obviously loves him greatly. How can I keep everyone happy and not break their heart? I worry about what co parenting would look like in the future, if I’m not around 24/7 who can shield them. I worry how my husband will cope if I decide to leave. Please give me your words of wisdom. 

[EvenSerpentsShine]

It must be so painful to live with alcoholism and to watch someone destroying themselves ( and your family by extension) every day.

I really feel for you. It’s sad that sometimes it takes a major life breakdown before people manage to find help for this, and often it seems, have to reach the proverbial ‘rock bottom’ before they are able to stop drinking and seek help.

From your point of view, is there a local group for partners of alcoholics that you could join Al Anon I believe it’s called? This could offer you support.
I know that many people are forced to leave alcoholic partners because the behaviour is just unacceptable to them or their children.

[Mozart]

Thank you for your reply.

I went to some Al-Anon sessions (number removed by Moderator) years ago but the group was small and they had all left their partners.  The group wasn’t right for me at that time as I was after coping mechanisms and strategies but maybe it would be worth going back.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Maybe it could be worth trying again, sometimes things just aren’t the right time for us are they? A lot could have changed in (number removed by Moderator) years.

If you have other bigger towns near you they may have a slightly larger group. Some groups don’t really gel either I’ve noticed. Going back, or going to a new group ( the same place will probably have a new crowd anyhow by now) may be worth a try. It’s no commitment if you don’t like it, no need to go again.
I suppose you have 2 choices! Go or stay.

If you decide to stay there may be all kinds of things that can help you cope with it.
Do you feel you want to stay? Or do you feel that leaving is your only option now?

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Ps replying to posts: this site times out after 15 minutes, including if you’re writing a post. You won’t know it but when you come to submit it’ll just disappear. It’s infuriating but doesn’t seem like they’re going to change ( sound familiar!!) . Write in several shorter posts if you want to be sure you don’t lose any longer posts. Xx

[Breadandbutterpudding]

I’ve just been in this situation too. Partner was sober recovering alcoholic when we met, that lasted (timeframe removed by Moderator) months until we lived together. I’ve just had to leave recently with an emergency bag and go no contact as the abuse was slowly escalating daily. Like you I’ve tried everything I can. He’s been offered rehab but not interested. They will choose the bottle every time as hard as that is to hear. Look after yourself and the children before you loose yourself completely

[Author]

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