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Hello to all of you very strong women,
Yesterday I finished and signed my NMO statement, this was very overwhelming and I felt terrible most of the day. (detail removed by moderator)
Most days I am experiencing multiple emotions over everything, sometimes I feel so guilty and want to stop everything I am doing and find him and apologise. Normally after big arguments and he apologised and things were calmer I would feel closer to him than before- like we’d withstood something together and I felt like we were connected more strongly.
Other times the abuse seems much clearer, and that is even more difficult, because I still love him and can’t understand why he would put me through this. Then I feel so absolutely heartbroken and devastated. I wish he could have stayed the person he was when he is at his best. I only every wanted more time with that person. But was that person even real?
I am also ashamed about how I could be during arguments towards the end of the relationship. I now know it was reactive, but I hate that it ever came to that, that I could be reduced to similar behaviour as him. He would accuse me of abuse often. I felt like things built after me taking the abuse for a year. At some point, I had to either let him break me, or fight. Is this normal? Has anyone else been through this or am I as crazy as he would always tell me I am? He would often tell me that I was lucky to meet him now. He was much angrier when he was younger. He would tell me how much angrier he had been with his former partner and how much better she was at dealing with it than I was.
How will I get through this? Who will I be after this? What if this is proof that I am too difficult to love? I used to think I was a good person, that I had so many friends and members of family that love me so deeply, but he would tell me it was because I lied about myself to them. But if I am a good person, why did this happen to me? My case worker says this is the question she can’t answer. I feel like I will always love him, and I don’t know if I think this is okay or awful. He told me so many times that I would never be capable of a normal or healthy relationship, because of who I was. I am so scared that now he will be right.
Does anyone else feel these things?
Sending you all the light and hope that I can x*x
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Hi Staytrue,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. I want you to know that none of this is your fault.
There is a difference between how you were during arguments and his abusive behaviour. In his case he chooses to be abusive and knows exactly what he was doing- he wanted power and control. In your case you are emotionally reacting to a horrible situation and nobody can judge you for that.
The fact you are worrying about your part in this shows that you are not the problem here. Abusive men often don’t take responsbility for their own behaviour and will blame their partners. part of domestic abuse is chipping away at your self esteem and self worth. You deserve better than this.
If you aren’t already I would encourage you to reach out to your local domestic abuse service for ongoing support.
You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.
The Freedom Programme is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK.
Take care and keep posting
Lisa
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Welcome yes I can relate. I remember the agony of the NMO questioning if it was right to do it terrified of the reaction not knowing if it would make us safer or more at risk remembering the good times hearing his voice that said it was me not him – the crazy making gaslighting. These are hard times and early days. This has happened to you because he chose it to happen he chose to abuse you that’s what abusers do.
Please read up on trauma bonding it explained everything to me I read and I read and take all support.
Who knows what the future holds none of us do but I will say after decades of horrifying abuse to me and my family we eventually got safe we are happier than ever before. I’ve met a lovely man but I value my independence now too.
Please start trusting your voice and try to turn down his narrative back yourself and good luck xx. -
Hi staytrue
What you are describing is trauma bonding. The following is from the Betterhelp website and is the best explanation of trauma bonding I’ve found.
“Traumatic bonding is a phenomenon in which the survivor feels connected to their abuser based on attachment amid the abuse. During the stressful points in the relationship, the survivor has elevated cortisol levels. The survivor feels like they’re on the edge, thinking that they may be hurt or abandoned by their abuser if they don’t listen to them. They’re desperately seeking the reward hormone dopamine, which is a pleasure chemical. When the abuser gives the survivor affection, they’re rewarded with dopamine, which further reinforces the traumatic bond.”
Trauma bonding can be a real challenge and many women will go back because of it. They mistake the feelings for love and those feelings can be very strong. Time is a healer on this one. Counselling can help as can natural ways of replacing dopamine such as walking in nature etc. Google them. They’re a great way to gently wean yourself off the need for that dopamine hit.
The difference between abuse and response is the difference between control and instinct. If violence, threats or aggression are used to control it is abuse. Whilst abusive men may appear to be acting instinctively they’re not – their behaviour is totally contrived and heavily orchestrated. “Why does he do that” by Lundie Bancroft explains and evidences this.
When we feel under threat and respond it is instinctive. Most of us have heard of freeze, flight, fight. When put into a threatening or stressful situation blood is diverted away from the thinking part of our brain and diverted to our hearts and muscles. Only the instinctive part of our brain is left with a full blood flow so that part takes over. It’s sometimes called reptilian brain because reptiles only have a limbic (instinctive) brain. The instinct will tell us to freeze so as not to be seen, flee to escape the danger or fight to defend ourselves. When your partner started revving up, you knew from past experience that you were under threat so your reptilian brain took over. It’s not a nice way to respond but it was, unfortunately, your instinctive response to the threat you perceived. That is different from abuse which is deliberate.
He clearly wasn’t used to this type of response and he tried to guilt trip you out of it. His previous partner didn’t respond better to his abuse she responded differently. Simply by making that statement he is evidencing his own repeated abusive behaviour. It was not your responsibility to behave “better”. It was his responsibility to stop – not do it in the first place!
Well done for getting out staytrue. Do whatever you need to do to stay out. Invest time and energy into dealing with the trauma bonding and it will pay dividends in terms of your progress.
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Ahh my lovely, it was heartbreaking to read your post. My husband completely broke me last year but with help I’ve finally started to fight back and divorcing him. What you’re feeling is completely normal, they make us believe that every thing they say and do to us is our fault, I was told by him I’m too sensitive and everybody is breakable. None of this is your fault, you’re still the beautiful, strong woman deep down. You deserve the world my darling, not this mind breaking abuse he’s putting you through, since I’ve learned more about abuse my feelings towards my husband are lessening week by week, it doesn’t get better lovely, trust your inner instincts, sending you a big hug x*x
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Thank you each and every one of you for these incredibly wise and kind words – it has truly filled my heart to the brim.
Thank you Watersprite, this is exactly how I have been feeling & my thoughts for weeks. “Hard times & early days” is the perfect summary. I can’t imagine the pain of decades of this, and what strength you possess to retrieve yourself and family and make a new future. You are hope personified!!
Thank you Eggshells – really loved this book suggestion, have bought and started reading. Proof in itself that abusers can’t blame their abuse to us on their exes or childhood is this forum, which is so full of care and support despite everything we have been through. Thank you and Lisa for easing my guilt so much with this breakdown of the differences between behaviours. I once told him that fighting with him was the worst thing in the world because it felt like he used deep psychological warfare and he laughed and seemed really pleased. I felt like someone with no tools and no experience. This makes so much sense to me now. Taken yours and Watersprite’s suggestion & have been reading all the time, trauma bonding was like reading a book about my relationship. No wonder it felt so different to other relationships before, I really did feel the highs and lows so physically.
Twitcher yes absolutely, he would also tell me I was too sensitive. Thank you for reminding me that it would not have gotten better if I had stayed. SO happy to hear you are finding your own voice again. You too deserve so much more real love than you were given. Another wonder woman!!
These messages have helped me feel so much stronger about the NMO, and there just isn’t enough gratitude to express how huge a help that is… Just weeks ago after physical violence from my ex I was refusing to call the police for hours, now I am here and reading these messages of solidarity. We are all braver in our truth than our ex partners could be xox
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