New and walking through dark valleys

[petal123]

I am new here and still figuring out how this forum works. I am struggling with insufficient social support. My family doesn’t take the severity of my situation seriously. While my friends care, they lack the knowledge to help. As an international student living alone, the resumption of studies, the process of appeal the case, dealing with triggers and psychosomatic symptoms that caused by it, it’s overwhelming. I have been in tears every day since realising the impact of what happened to me. Knowing he is a perpetrator who abused, coerced, assaulted and rape me is difficult, especially since I still have strong feelings for him as my first love. I rely heavily on helplines because I feel incredibly lonely and isolated without anyone to support me. I really… hope there’s someone that could share how they walk through this dark valleys in life.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

This is a lonely thing to happen to us, I think we have probably all on this forum felt very lonely and lost often. I know I have.
One of the things abusers want to achieve above all else, is to isolate us.

I don’t have any answers except what has worked for me. Remember the people who have loved you, and do love you, in your life, and let thoughts of them give you strength.

Ask for help everywhere you can but understand that, in the end, only you can get yourself out of this one.

If you are young, this will be a very useful lesson for you to take forward into your future, so learn all you can about abuse and abusive people ( Lundy Bancroft book ‘Why does he do that’ is a good place to start and he also has ‘Joyous recovery’ about recovering)

Take baby steps. Some days you’ll get nowhere, other days you’ll move forward a lot. Just keep moving towards your goals, however small those steps are. Focus on your study. Get angry if you have to! Don’t let this person take away your future, please. Do it for all us women even if you can’t do it for yourself! Keep studying even if you’re reading through the tears. The tears will pass.

It won’t be easy but keep going. You WILL come through the other side. And you will be stronger and wiser for it, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Ps one of the hardest steps for me was to truly understand that what happened to me wasn’t my fault.

This is a really tough one.

But it’s also one of the most valuable lessons we can take from this.

There are some people out there who are not like us. They are like empty shells or vampires.
I still don’t understand them really, but now at least I know they exist in the world and move amongst us.

Maybe they’re just really miserable and they want us down there in their miserable dungeons with them,  to keep them company.
Misery loves company.
Whatever the reason. This wasn’t your fault.

[Author]

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