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[Endymion]

My partner was arrested last (detail removed by moderator) and has not been allowed in the house since and won’t be (detail removed by moderator).
Obviously, I’m massively relieved and grateful but in order to protect my son I naturally covered up why his father wasn’t living with us anymore.
His father was always very manipulative towards and competitive about our son but now it is clear he is succeeding in turning him against me. He is very angry with me and says terrible things, things I know he hasn’t come up with on his own.
It’s heartbreaking and terrifying – would he choose to live with his dad if he could choose (even though his father has never looked after him and deep down doesn’t really want to).
Does anyone have any advice? My instinct has always been to protect (cover up) but perhaps this isn’t really what’s best for our son at all?

[KIP.]

Your ex will take your child from you simply to punish you, he has absolutely no interest in what is best for your child and what he’s doing is child abuse. I’d contact womens aid for support and start to keep a detailed journal of everything going on. I’ve seen this happen too many times. He’s brainwashing your child and preparing him to take his side in anything coming up. He’s also discrediting you as a parent to your child and anyone else who will listen. This is very concerning and you need to gather a good support network. Rights of women offer free legal advice. There’s a national domestic abuse helpline and the NSPCC have a great website. Don’t wait any longer to take action. Make sure you’re the legal resident parent. Use a third party for all communication with your ex and make sure you have a plan for (detail removed by moderator) to prevent him returning.

[Endymion]

Dear Kip,
Thank you very much for responding. It’s wonderful to hear from fellow sufferers. That is exactly what he’s doing and although I knew he would it is now really alarmingly clear and I worry I’ve undermined my case by being too friendly. I tried ignoring him but obviously that makes me look like even more of an unnatural cow to our child. It’s very hard to stay immune when someone is being so friendly and seemingly reasonable – even though I know it is an act.
I have tried Rights of Women many times but can never get through. It is obviously very under sourced and pushed to full capacity. I shall keep trying.
I’ve looked at the NSPCC website and will explore Women’s Aid more thoroughly. Thank you for listening and for all the practical advice.
Helena

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Endymion,

I wanted to share with you what I did (we have 2 young teens). At first I hid the abuse to protect them, I didn’t know that they were already affected by the DA. The walking on eggshells feeling, both my children also felt it, their mental health has been impacted and both are now on a waiting list for help. They’re both now aware and I am educating them about DA (I believe the Freedom Programme should be taught in schools). For me, my children already new something was wrong with their dad but didn’t know what, they now know he is Domestically abusive and that he is very manipulative. After the initial realisation that their dad is an abusove a**hole they now are learning that his behaviours are wrong (and illegal). They are now on a waiting list to receive help themselves. I decided on no more secrets and started to talk to them about it.

My ex didn’t physically hurt me much, he didn’t need to as he intimidated us so much both physically and mentally (he would push, shove, I stopped him physically fighting with other men infront of our children and a friends child once as well). He had all financial control, belittled me, gaslighting, lies, constantly wanted sex and would ask why I wasn’t normal as wives should want their husbands, sex was a way of me keeping the peace (obviously my children do not know about that stuff).

What KIP has said is true, i was warned when I was where you are about how my husband would punish me and use our children to get to me, I didn’t quite believe my husband would use our children as i believed he loved them.. he did go on to use them until I stopped contact. I am now not in contact with him as that’s the only way I can move forward.

2 helpful books are Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven. Why Does He Do this by Lundy Bancroft. Also, womans aid, your local one, they are so helpful and supportive.

Keep a journal (my journal is written in my phone, notes, so I can quickly access when I feel unsure of his behaviours or if I start to think about going back, we have a trauma bond which is like an addiction to break).

Keep posting ❤
Stay safe ❤

[Endymion]

Hello HereforHelp,
Thank you for sharing your story with me. It all sounds chillingly familiar. One always hopes that he’s learned his lesson, surely he wouldn’t want to harm his child this way, maybe he’s even changed now that we are no longer in the toxic relationship, etc, etc. But, although things are a million times better than when I lived with him, I am still in that toxic relationship, and every time I think I’m moving forward, one little text or action on his part and he’s looming as large as ever. I have spent two solid days trying to respond with and deal with his (ostensibly innocent) texts. I have started a journal.. I wish I’d done it years ago. He won’t physically hurt me now he’s known to the police and these little but endless manipulations and score pointing are so much harder to prove!
Thank you for your book recommendations. I shall try and get hold of some copies.
Thank you,
Endymion

[Lisa]

Dear Endymion,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post.

You’ve received some helpful replies. Whilst it is natural to protect your child from the abuse, and it was probably what you felt you had to do to get through it, there does come a point when a level of honesty can become necessary. Children are very perceptive and it may be that your child needs you to initiate the communication so he knows that it is ok to talk about his father’s abusive behaviour. Whilst I know that having this conversation is extremely challenging, it can be done in an age appropriate way, and can be really empowering for your child to know that they can talk about their feelings and be heard.

I would suggest speaking to your local domestic abuse service for some advice, they may even have a children’s service you can access. Gather some resources about how to talk to your child and plan it in advance. It’s normal to feel anxious about doing so, and you have to be prepared for a range of reactions, but many children do appreciate an honest and open conversation. Anger against the non abusive parent is not uncommon, but communication is key for you to support him through this.

You might find it helpful to read through the Survivor’s Handbook section called
“How can I help my children?”

Also Family Lives have an informative website and Helpline.

Keep posting as you work out how to move forwards, there is support for you here.

Lisa

[Endymion]

Hi LIsa,
And thank you very much for all you are doing. I have noted your concerns about privacy.
Thank you for the pamphlet, website and the advice. I do try and let him know he can talk to me but I think I need to be more proactive.
Many thanks,

[Author]

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