New here and need advice

[Babs49]

Hi everyone ,
Me and my husband have been together for (detail removed by Moderator) years now married for (detail removed by Moderator) we have 3 gorgeous children. I don’t know where to start really or what to do. I know my husband is emotionally abusive to me and looking back it has been that way since very early on in our relationship but of course I carried on in love thinking all we be ok and looking back ignoring the worst parts of what was happening. Much of what he does is very covert not obvious . My life is constantly walking on egg shells because of his moods . He totally emotionally vacant unless it suits his needs. He’s never really said he loves me to be honest without it being forced or genuine. He’s completely un supportive of me unless it’s something that will benefit him in some way for example financially. He calls me names on a regular basis his favourite over the years has been s**g. He swears daily at me in front of our children some of the worst language possible . Everything that goes wrong is my fault. The list is endless to be honest I wouldn’t know how to begin to to explain it all . I can honestly say I’ve wanted our relationship to work loved him tried hard for our family , been a loyal
And hardworking wife and mother . Not a perfect person but tried my very best. I’ve tried to discuss with him what we are going to do for the sake of our children. I’m met with childlike mood swings and the silent treatment or eventually some sort of verbal abuse and threats of ruining my life or turning the kids against me . I’ve just reached my limit now . I know I need to get out . I have a decent job but no money no savings I don’t know where to turn or what to do . I’m just stuck in a very bad place x

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely I’m sorry to hear this, you’ve come to a good place as so many people can help give advice. One of the hardest things to accept is that talking to them will never work, it’s such a basic human action we naturally want to talk issues out but it’ll never work with these men and will usually trigger a response. Do you own your house or rent? Do you have any family or friends you can talk to or stay with? Don’t worry if not that’s ok too. Best advice I can give at this stage is educate yourself, read the books people recommend, watch the YouTube videos, start a journal. I found Lundy Bancroft’s book why does he do that a great help but others may suggest others. Read posts on the forum and if you haven’t already, reach out to support groups like womansaid, refuge or your local DV. It takes time so go st your pace, but recognising you want to get out is a big step on that road x

[Babs49]

Thank you so much for your response . Just to let this out finally and have someone respond has been very emotional. Within (detail removed by Moderator) we have moved back to our home city from (detail removed by Moderator) and bought a house together . His dad who is a wealthy man put a substantial amount towards the house so we only had to take out a small mortgage out. So this has been a continual stick to beat me with of course in his eyes this is his house because of the money his dad has put in . I don’t want anything out of the house I’m willing to walk away with nothing and start again but rents don’t look cheap when you need space for 3 kids . I feel like if I don’t get away soon I won’t survive mentally for much longer. I’ve confided in my sister and she has been very supportive . I feel like I’m drowning and can’t breathe from frustration . Xx

[Bananaboat]

Re housing I’d suggest two things to start with, first get some legal advice! Lots of places offer free consultations but also check they are experienced with abuse. Whilst you might want to walk away with nothing, you may be entitled to something or at least want to protect yourself from any debt (for example if he stops paying the mortgage and you remain liable). Second, contact your local council as mine has been really supportive, I think they have a duty to help Domestic abuse victims but they definitely take this into account for your banding. Even whilst still under the same roof they are helping me which is a glimmer of hope. It’s hard so reach out and talking about your experiences after hiding it all for long.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi and welcome to the forum, you are in the right place, you are not alone.

As Bananaboat has mentioned above, get us much support as you can, WA is a good place to start. Have you read Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven? That’s a really helpful book.

Also, if you feel your mental health is suffering could you contact your GP? They also can signpost you and it is also a log which is a good thing.

I am a long term married with teenagers, my ex was a high earner but I have learnt (since seeking legal help) that as our home is in both our names it is half mine also (which in my mind will help our children later in life so I shall fight him for half, eventually, for now I am getting used to the calmness at home without him here. Also, the freedom programme is really helpful. I don’t want to overwhelm you so shall stop there.
Keep posting as much or as little as you want ❤

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