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Hi everyone, I’m new to this forum and have been looking for somewhere I can let everything out and where people would understand me and where I can understand others situations.
Me and my partner have been together for over (removed by moderator) years. There is a bit of an age gap I have only turned (removed by moderator) and he is (removed by moderator).
Everything was amazing at the beginning however, due to covid my mental health took a turn but he stood by me and helped me through it.
Recently well for just under a year, he has completely changed. He’ll accuse me of looking at men when I’m not and if he’s driving and I’m in the passenger seat and (removed by moderator) and a man drives by or walks past he’ll accuse me of teasing. Then says women are all the same. This makes no sense to me since when does (removed by moderator) tease men. If I bend down a certain way I’m teasing. I got out the car and (removed by moderator) and so happens a car went by 2.5 seconds after I done this again he accused me of teasing the guy that went past.
He calls me moody when I’m not, yet it’s him that’s in a mood and tries to put it on me. He has his own business so is under a lot of pressure but can’t see he takes it out on me. He likes to drink at the weekend as he says it helps him to destress. He can be a horrible drunk and even worse the next day after the comes off the drink.
He can come across as very paranoid and I have noticed this with his workers and companies he deals with also not just me. If they say something he takes it the complete wrong way yet doesn’t admit he’s sensitive and I always reassure him that’s not what they meant.
He accused me of making a fool of him because I said something he took the wrong way. He told me to f**k off and (removed by moderator). He hasn’t been abusive but I wouldn’t put it past him with the amount of anger he has in him. I was always told he had anger issues but I didn’t take any notice because he was never like that with me. But I have seen it more now he can just flip then acts normal straight after and expects me to be fine with him.
He gaslights me all the time, for example he lost his (removed by moderator) and he told me he’s not going out until he finds it. We were meant to be going shopping this day but he wasn’t going til he found his (removed by moderator). He said I (removed by moderator) and I can’t find it. (Removed by moderator).
I searched everywhere couldn’t find it and told him to look where he last was. He then done that, went upstairs and came back down to say (removed by moderator). Only kidding (removed by moderator). This isn’t the first time he’s accused me of hiding things, I got upset and he did hug me and apologise.
He has some mental health issues but doesn’t admit to them. I myself have adhd but push myself to get help. He on the other hand can’t admit he has issues and that he can be wrong a lot of the time. He isn’t the best at socialising and avoids it as much as possible.
He isn’t a bad person but some of the things he has done or said makes me question everything. His dad was a very controlling man and was abusive to his mom. Yet he hates him but he’s turning into him. He can’t see he’s turning into him. I just want him to realise what he’s doing to do and how he’s making me feel but I’m afraid he’ll never change.
Thank you for reading
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Hi Sunsetluv,
Welcome to the forum. I hope you find this a safe and supportive place to share your experiences.
Whatever the reason for your partner’s change in behaviour in the last year and regardless of the age gap or any mental health issues he may have, there is no excuse for the way he is behaving. As you have identified, he is emotionally manipulative (gas-lighting), and blames you for his behaviour rather than take accountability, which are extremely common traits for perpetrators to have.
If you ever want to receive more in-depth, one-to-one specialist support around what is happening in your relationship, you can always call your local domestic abuse service. They can provide both emotional and practical help. They are a free service as well, so use them on-going as you need.
And do keep posting, as many of the other women here will very much relate to what you are going through.
Take care,
Lisa
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Hi Sunsetluv,
Having a read of that last paragraph specifically rings a bell for me. My abuser also had an abusive father, but he wouldn’t admit he was turning into him.
Although he disliked his father, looking back, I also think he admired his primitive ways towards women. My abuser was also in denial about his own true nature, despite being unhinged. He would never admit to any wrongdoings, no matter how much evidence you give, no matter how many people you have on your side, and no matter how hard you plead with him. He would never admit he was the problem.
I sacrificed a lot of my time, energy, space, and general well-being to make room for his controlling behaviour and outbursts. But all the efforts would be disregarded and for him it became an expectation for me to be a punchbag in everyway and for me to regulate his emotions for him.
There were also issues (similar to yours) with how I dressed,wore make up and spoke to men. It is now obvious to me there were major insecurities and extremely controlling behaviours. He would say I was doing it all for attention. Although I tried my best to ignore these comment, I did feel very judged and shamed for how I presented myself.
I know now that it was never my responsibility to manage my abuser’s feelings for him, including his inability to control his anger or his insecurities. It is unlikely that these people ever get better due to the lack of empathy they have towards you and their inability to admit to their problems and seek professional help if that is what is needed.
The hardest thing I found was leaving, as he made me feel like I was abandoning him, almost as if I hadn’t done enough. I felt guilty for it.
But once I did leave I actually took time to look after myself for once, and focus on my well-being, and that opened up a whole new lease of life. And it was easier than I thought.
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