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Hi,
this is completely new to me. My partner of (detail removed by Moderator) years ended the relationship (detail removed by Moderator) days ago. I feel completely helpless, like I’ve lost a limb. My friends are telling me it was emotional abuse but I don’t know. He never hit me but he had a temper. When we argued he would break or damage my things. He would call me horrible names and he was very jealous. It wasn’t always like this, he used to dote on me. He’s taken our dog. He’s walked out before and after a few weeks we would then start over again. This time feels final. He smokes weed & more recently there has been cocaine. I haven’t tried to contact him since he left.
I know I should just let go & want better. I can’t stop questioning everything & wondering if he will change or try to rectify things. I don’t know what to do or what to expect from posting here.
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Hi Safespace
It does sound to me like you have come to the right place to help you understand the nature of abuse, and how that has affected you in your relationship.
Regardless of whether someone is physcially violent, you can still feel the same extreme fear. It’s the same as when someone holds a gun to your head, you have no idea whether it’s loaded or not, or whether he will shoot, you will experience the same extremes whether it’s loaded or not, whether it’s fired or not.
His ‘temper’, as an abuser, will often be manufactured, in order to dominate and control you, because he can use it to scare you if he thinks you are getting out of control in any way, this could be for any reason, whether you are upset, angry, or even enjoying yourself and happy.
Him leaving can often create terrible distress in a survivor of abuse, because all the structures of your daily life were controlled by him, and the attachment that you feel to him can be more extreme, because of the love bomb & reject cycle that abusers use, to pull their victim in and try to push them away to make them feel vulnerable. A survivor can end up feeling terrified of their rejection and unable to manage without this person that has become every minute of every living day with them. Whether they are with you or not you end up doing everything through their views/ways of doing things.
You can be left feeling that you can make decisions, don’t remember things clearly, are stupid, or don’t understand, and certainly cannot manage alone, this means he has won, has you under control, and it’s hard to undo that conditioning to the point that you know you absolutely can do this without him.
He will obviously be keen to know that you are not managing without him, which is his purpose, to make you suffer. We are here to help you know that you can do this, can keeping talking and getting support and make it without him.
The early hours, days, weeks and months are the hardest, like breaking a long-term habit. Absence, extended separation from him in every way is the quickest way to break the toxic bond he has set up through his abuses.
Post all you want and ask for anything you need, your situation is completely understandable, and the women here get how you are feeling.
Look after yourself, treat and pamper yourself, and do all the things you were not ‘allowed’ to do when he was there.
warmest wishes
ts
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Thank you for your kind words.
I’ve been trying to keep myself as busy as possible since he left so I’m not too much in my own thoughts.
it’s a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. He contacted me recently & it was a difficult phone call. I know he’s treated me so badly but my heart just broke for both of us. He offered to give me the dog for a while as he’s having to go into emergency accommodation. I still need to collect him. I’m not sure if he’ll change his mind tomorrow. I think it’s best for the dog but I worry he will demand him back whilst he trying to sort housing. I have a stable environment where the dog is better off. I honestly think he would be better with me at least for the short term if nothing else.
it took everything in me not to beg him to change his mind. But the whole time all I wanted him to say was that he has issues and he wants to get help. He even admitted he was the problem & it was nothing to do with me. I know I shouldn’t feel bad for him, regardless of what he’s done I would never wish anything bad of anyone. I just honestly wish he would get help. He hinted he had contemplated suicide & drugs but the dog had kept him going. I want the dog but worry if he does give me the dog he gets depressed.
I just feel awful for both of us. I know people will think don’t sympathise with him. To make matters worse I took the first step and had an appt with my local women’s aid but have been put on waitlist and worry I bottle it before my time is up.
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I completely understand everything you are saying, I do, completely.
Like every single one of us, we just want it to stop, right? Just stop. Stop it, and all the rest will be fine. They can’t, and actually, the abuse is at their core. I always thought if only that bit would stop, stop the abuse, but it’s so much part of their very being, that it’s way too complex a process to just make it stop. If only. It means a complete turnaround of all their beliefs about themselves and where women fit into society, as equals, not doormats. The hate is off the scale, and you deserve better.
Hold strong there. As for the dog, it will probably be a lot safer with you than with him. I would imagine the dog is quite stressed in the company of someone such as him, and also fearful of abuse itself. Take the dog and keep it safe, and if you hear any threats of suicide, etc, then report those straight to the police so that he will get help. All that he’s done to you, is on him, it’s his guilt, and he needs to own that, whether he will or not.
You look after you, prioritise your own needs, and do your best for you (and your dog).
warmest wishes
ts
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If it is coke and weed then let him walk out of your life and be gone.
I’m so sorry he’s taken the dog and I am sure it feels utterly horrible and devastating. The truth is, there is nothing they love more than the drugs. You can’t encourage them to change because deep down they really don’t want to.
I hope that the coming days improve fore you x
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