New job with a controlling bullying ** line manager

[iliketea]

Hi, I haven’t posted here for a while but would really appreciate some help working this one out. I started a job before Christmas, (detail removed by Moderator), and being a single parent, and it is a complete nightmare. The woman who I’m working under is so horrible, she talks over me, treats me like i’m an idiot, she told me to hurry up the other day, she made me work the afternoon (detail removed by Moderator) when everyone else clocked off at lunchtime. I’m finding it really triggering as its so like how the ex treated me, she even told me I had imagined something she said, when I know I didnt, it was on a recorded meeting so i have listened back and its even there! I did do some work experience at the same place a while ago so had sort of experienced being back in the work place, and thought I knew what it would be like. They pride themselves as being family friendly too, but it has been a total and utter nightmare and I’m now having sleepless nights and nightmares when I do sleep, about having to go back there in the new year.

First of all a lot as changed in the work place since I’ve been out, I’m not a dinosaur and I have kept up with IT etc but its a different thing when you have to use MS Teams quickly for example when you’ve not used it in a work situation before. Of course I’ll get it the more i use it but the manager has said things like “I haven’t got all day” and “Come on, its not that difficult!”. I also have primary aged children so the run up to Christmas was crazy busy admin juggle as I’m sure any parent knows. So anyway, my line manager is (detail removed by Moderator). She interviewed me and seemed nice, and understanding about being a single parent, and I also know she knows the background to the separation. But she totally backtracked on the flexible working and was expecting me to be in the office in office hours which was really hard with all that was going on and also not what they said as you’re allowed to work from home too but she had a go at me in the last week and said I needed to officially arrange it. Even though I had discussed it with her already. Its all really crazy making and I don’t know what to do, It really wrecked my Christmas as I’ve been worrying about it, and its also brought back on PTSD again as I think its triggered me too much.

What do I do? I really need a job and need to have a certain number of payslips for something – guess I shouldn’t give too much identifying information – so I can’t just not go back, and also it will look bad on my CV, but I also know that its not something that can be sorted out with HR and I just do not want to go down that avenue, I don’t have energy to be fighting for my rights within a workplace having been doing it for the last X number of years with ex. Not sure what Im looking for really here, understanding, anyone else been through this?

Is it just the result of counselling and therapy and groupwork and now having the tools to recognise a bully and a n********t at twenty paces and an inherent need to now boundary that ASAP before it gets out of control. I tried to challenge her on it, in the best way I could think of by asking offline what was wrong as she was clearly frustrated with me and she just denied it and told me i was imagining it. Any advice on how to behave towards this person, in this situation, which I probably have to be in in the next couple of months. How do I lessen the impact on me, lessen her effect, and how do I not rub her up the wrong way as this is very clearly what is happening, like my ex, everything I say and do is wrong. So if you have to work with someone like this, how do you do it?

Thank you. x*x

[minimeerkat]

sounds so very stressful for you, which is naturally having an effect on your mental health
if you are aware of exactly why this is all so triggering for you, with this knowledge can it help you try to cope with it any better?
its not your ex doing these things, but yes it sounds as though it is someone who possesses the exact same personality traits. so dont know if it will help you when thinking that perhaps this lady is just trying to make you feel small so that she is able to feel more powerful & in control – even try if you can & feel slightly sorry for her
yes there may be a few things that you can improve on in time, but please do not allow someone like this to make you feel incapable or incompetent – because it isnt accurate at all, it is just someone taking advantage of you being new & learning purely to make themselves feel better. i wonder if deep down this lady actually feels the very things shes trying to make you feel
its easier said than done, but if you can try not to let her words or actions affect you so deeply it will help. try & see her as a deeply troubled soul
believe in yourself. know that everything you are hearing or seeing is happening, just try & remind yourself why this lady is behaving this way – she obviously has problems
you cannot help but think how deeply unhappy these people must be to behave the way they do
whether this will help you through the required period when you could then make plans to look for something else? whatever you do, dont feel stuck x

[browneyedmum]

I have a few thoughts to share – but more like professional advice rather than anything else.

MS Teams sucks. I am very IT fluent, working on (detail removed by Moderator), etc. And MS Teams suck great big huge balls. This is more fact than opinion.

Go ahead and ‘officially arrange’ the work from home, if for no other reason than it gives you space to breathe, away from this line manager who has clearly broken your trust regarding work flexibility.

Disclose some of your line manager’s behaviours to your line manager’s manager. Many companies want skilled talent around our age who also have a great breadth of experience and knowledge from working over the decades because there are invaluable people skills there that aren’t obtained any other way. Suggest to your line manager’s manager that perhaps your line manager needs some management and leadership training. Even though your line manager has treated you in a punitive way, you can turn it around to make it a “learning experience” for your line manager. It gets you out of the line of fire and makes it so that the spotlight is on your line manager, rather than you. And then you look golden for suggesting it.

And finally… it’s always easier to get into a better job when you already have a job. It just somehow magically works that way, since you have the upper hand there in really diving in and understanding a company’s culture even before going to an interview. There’s a lot less pressure in pursuing another job while you have a job, iywim? Start looking now while sorting the above out. Hopefully it will help you feel a bit more empowered. You do have a choice.

Feel free to message me if you’d like to talk more. Wishing you all the best xX.

[Bananaboat]

Toxic workplaces are awful and the only real resolution is to leave, even if it’s not straight away just accepting you need to start looking can feel empowering. The other thing to help is to keep a log of incidents, it gets it out of your head & helps to see it’s them not no but then if you ever decide to proceed to a formal grievance you’ve also got evidence. Back up discussions via email if you can ‘so to confirm we agreed x y z’ or confirm any questions you asked/training you need. You can make a flexible working request to confirm your hours or working location too.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s another fight you could really do without. It can help to ask questions in an interview about why the person you’re replacing is leaving, what’s the culture like etc as you can pick up subtle clues in the answers. It really is triggering working somewhere toxic so look after yourself x

[StrongLife]

I’ve had bullying and controlling bosses and colleagues.

I see them now immediately. There is so many around and I know it’s difficult. Some have been utterly bad. I’ve had workmates screaming and yelling at each other. It unacceptable in workplaces. They are supposed to be safe.

Have you thought of moving on and saving your mental health?

[Babyface@]

Ive experienced this it is very triggering. I’ve bounced around jobs over the last three years because of this. Lots of bosses seem to be (detail removed by moderator) There are some good you tube videos on how to assert yourself in a purely professional manner. I would be in tears sometimes behind my computer screen 😭 with the constant criticism. Think when we get triggered we just want to run out off the room. Panic sets in. She probably cottoned on to the fact you had been in an abusive situation and took advantage. The last manager I would actually class as sadistic. They are out there and they can be calculating. The best advice is to leave if you can. After six attempts and a bouncing up and down (date wise) CV this job so far has no bully’s. I’ve kept my private life to myself and tried hard to go in with an attitude like I’m not here to be liked I’m here to do my job. Hope this helps little xx

[StrongLife]

Good good point there in keeping it behind computer screen rather than in person. I moved from in person work then wfh for same company and the abuse followed on Teams at home. Eventually I left of course with boss screaming in my ear.

Some places are just so toxic- it’s not worth my time. Others are genuinely nice. Hard to pick it upfront when you may get a quick half he to 1 hr interview

[Author]

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